Finding Me... All of Me

Being Thankful

2012-01-10T01:42:00.001-05:00

Beginning this year I'm attempting to see things in a new light. I'm glad that my husband and I are starting this year with jobs to go to. I'm thankful that my kids are healthy and are doing fine. And, more than anything, I'm thankful for the promise of something more and better for my family. We are hoping beyond hope that we will be fortunate enough to take advantage of the housing market and be able toome truly big enough for our family.

It's funny how just six short years ago I believed that my family would never consist of more than myself, my mother and my daughter. Since then, I've found my wonderful husband, gained a stepson and had another baby (who isn't much of a baby anymore). Needless to say my life has changed and family has doubled in size, but my house didn't grow with it. What we are looking for is something with at least four bedrooms, and a good chunk of land. We are both set that we don't want anything with neighbors so close you can hear their conversation or somewhere withh horrible home owners fees. I want something that feels like a home, something somewhat "old" and rustic feeling. Don't get wrong, I want the ammenities, but want some character too.

Does that sound like an over-the-top order to fill? Anyway, that dream takes preparation and that's what I'm working on now. This first few months will put us in a better place financially. Then it's finding a mortgage company, getting pre-approved, finding a realtor and hunting to find our piece of heaven on earth. We do know that this will be our home for the rest of our lives, so we want to find a place that we really want and do some sacrifices to have it. I'm excited and afraid, but all in good ways.

Then there will be the joy of moving and decorating. I want to do more thsn I've ever done and really make it my dream home. I feel that I've earned the right to have this my way. I'll consider my family and their'likes and needs, but I'm ready to have my space too. For'twenty years I've been more'concerned with everyone else now it's my turn.

I'm happy and that feels good!!!

Something's Wrong

2011-07-22T18:34:00.000-04:00

I wish I could put my finger on what has me in a funk, but I can't say exactly one thing. Rather it feels like a multitude of little things that keep swirling around in my head. The big thing is that I've come to acknowledge that the only reason I'm on a website like Facebook (or MySpace) is so that I can pretend to be connected to people. In reality, I have no friends in my real life. There is no one to talk to or confide in. There is no one that I can depend on in my darkest times or when I'm most desperate. Even the members of my "family" are rarely, if ever, truly there for me. And the sad thing that keeps coming to mind is "if I should die today, no one would be there to say goodbye except my husband, my children and my mother". My sisters probably wouldn't come and I doubt my dad would venture the 700+ miles for something so trivial and final.

People often cross my mind and I find myself recalling memory after memory of them, how we met and any and everything I did with that person. I know definitely how their presence impacted my life, both good and bad. I wonder if I cross anyone else's mind? Did I impact anyone in any way? What is the memory recalled if I do cross their mind? And why, at this point in my life, does it even matter to me? What is it in me now that needs validation? What has changed in me that needs to be quieted? I wish I knew these answers.

Dammit, I hate feeling depressed and confused. I want to be happy and do things that happy people do. I want to feel things deeply and completely. I want to laugh, share stories and feel connected beyond the meaningless hellos and how ya doings at work. Perhaps all this is because the hubby is out of town. Maybe I'll be better once he's back home. GOD I HOPE SO!

Hello

2011-07-08T16:52:00.000-04:00

I have become so incredibly slack since getting married and having LAM. I can't believe that I allow my blog to go dormant for so long. It isn't that I don't have things to say or life to "report" on, it's simply that I can't find enough time for me to do any clear thinking. I work weekend nights so the rest of the week I'm striving to maintain some normalcy in a sleep schedule. Mind you I'm not very successful with that and since the step-son is visiting I can't even watch late night television to pass the time and that makes it even more miserable.

Yeah, the step is with us for a visit and I'd like to say that it's been a pleasant thing, but I'd be lying. I honestly believe that if we threw out all of the video games he'd never step foot inside the door. Conversation and the desire to spend time with his dad isn't there at all. I could probably count the words said between them on both hands and that's sad considering he's been here nearly two months. He also showed up with the idea implanted that he should come here so that he could do more. He was told that we would be running the roads and doing all kinds of things since "we had money". And to his dismay, we haven't done all that much. Time and finances just don't allow for much these days.

Then there have been issues with my family... sisters and mother. Mom recently had a stint in the hospital and came home with us still not knowing what all was going on. It's so frustrating how doctors are these days. Not one will say a definite anything for fear of being sued. And heaven forbid one of them to actually make a decision that doesn't involve the consult of about half a dozen other doctors. Hell, they couldn't even make a decision on her fractured ankle because a podiatrist didn't examine the x-rays and make the call. It has to be a specialist for everything or you just aren't treated. What ever happened to "family doctors" or general practitioners that did a little of it all? It was so much simpler when one doctor could examine you, diagnose and treat you for all of your ailments. I understand the need for specialists, but come on... a doctor is a doctor is a doctor.

While my mother was in the hospital I had to deal more with my sisters than I have in quite a while and I'd proud to say that I didn't lose it with either of them, but can now recall WHY I don't have all that much to do with them anymore. The one here in Georgia is so narcissistic that the entire world revolves around her even when we are uncertain as to what is happening with mom. She couldn't get past herself to be of any benefit, but had plenty of time to cry a little and make it look like she deeply cares. The one in Florida made the statement that she would come if mom wanted her to, mom said she did, but she never bothered to show up. I suppose her life is way too busy for her to make the drive. And I do understand that everyone has to work and all, but don't brag about what else you can do when you want to do it when you can't sacrifice a few hours to see your own mother... ya know, the one who gave you life!?!

I suppose I shouldn't let any of this bother me anymore, I should be numb to it, but it does and I'm not. I find that the older I get the harder it is for me to excuse their behaviors. I can't see how they can think of nothing and no one other than themselves and what they want. Sure, there is always the facade that they are thinking about others and doing the best by them, but ultimately, it's all in benefit of them. And what tops it is that if and when decisions need to be made regarding my mother's long term care, I'm sure no matter what, it won't satisfy them and they'll complain but will still never step up to the plate to help out.

Enough complaining... everything else seems to be going okay. R and I are still together and happy, horribly sex deprived thanks to the youngest, but happy just the same. I'd like to find some time for us to escape for a night or two, but our schedules won't let that happen. He works Monday through Thursday and I work Saturday through Monday. Our one day together is Friday and typically it's spent doing something mindless with one or more of the kids in tow. Not saying I don't enjoy his company regardless the situation, but I'd like to have adult time too. Someday... hopefully!

And now back to the grind! Hope all have a great day.

2011-01-10T23:42:00.003-05:00

Tonight was the first time I've missed work since I began my new job in April 2010. I was really working towards a "perfect attendance" thing, but mother nature changed that for me. We have been overwhelmed with winter weather. I'm not complaining too much because I think it's beautiful to look at, but it sure is a booger to get around in. When you live in a place where this is definitely not the norm, there's simply no equipment available to make it more pleasant. When I left work last night, the snow had already accumulated quite a bit and it was a slow ride home. Today, the snow covered a thick layer of ice and made it completely impossible to travel (unless absolutely necessary).

Other than the winter weather, life is good. R and I have made great strides to get things caught up and be 100% back on track. I'm hopeful that this year we'll be able to not only strengthen ourselves financially, but emotionally as well. TC was a bit more than I could bare and I admitted my limitations with the belief that we could work around them and find a way to overcome them. There has already been some changes around the house. I'm more at ease and I don't feel so tense about being at home. R seems a bit more relaxed too. If truth be told, I think he'd admit that it was more than he could do too. The downfall to this is that I think I may have put a wedge between R and his mother. She has it in her head that "I" did all this and that I am trying to separate R from TC for my personal gain. She refuses to believe that her precious grandson could have any faults at all and that is a problem in itself.

Anyway, thing is, we are taking it all one day at a time and working through some things. R has mentioned TC coming back at the end of the summer, and if it works that way then so be it. I'd prefer to have a bit more time without him so that we can make some adjustments to the household before bringing him back. Sometimes, I even find myself hoping that he'll truly be happier with his mother and opt not to live with us full time. I love the child, hate the behavior... it's a very hard thing.

Beyond that, I'm having some issues with myself, the way people perceive me and the acceptance that I am alone in many, many ways. Tonight I was checking something online and saw that I could get discounts for funeral planning along with tax preparation. Yeah, I know, weird thing to notice, but I noticed it. I told R that if something should happen to me there would be no need to notify anyone. That in thinking of it, the only people that would have need to know are the people living right here. Outside of this box, I have no friends. Outside of my immediate family, I have no one. I've lived a rough life and it's too short to spend it making up lies and living in misery, so I've opted to be a very abrupt, honest person and obviously this isn't a good trait to have. Because I refuse to lie to people, I have ultimately decided that I'm better off alone. Friends only want to hear what they want to hear and family only wants something for themselves and to shove the blame off onto others.

I have a wonderful husband that I can talk to about anything. We have great conversations about everything. He is my best friend... my only friend. My life revolves around my family and I'm not sure that is a good thing. I have nothing outside of it. I have no identity other than daughter, wife, mother, co-worker and a faceless stranger. I'm hoping this year can change something in me, for me, about me and make it better.

2010-12-29T04:49:00.002-05:00

It has been a while since I've written on here or anywhere. Once upon a time I wrote in a journal daily to keep up with my own life and thoughts, then life and thoughts got too hectic and nothing would pour out of me. I think I was afraid that if I wrote it down and saw the words clearly then it would be more "real" than merely living it. If you don't acknowledge the bad, then the bad doesn't really exist... right? Well, it has all caught up with me and I've discovered, once again, that there is a trade-off for all the good in our lives. Karma gives you something amazing only to tarnish it with something unbearable.

My relationship with my husband is by far the best I've ever had with any man in my life. He is my best friend and I find safety and comfort being by his side. We can spend hours talking and never run out of things to say. He and I can sit quietly across the room from each other and still manage to feel connected. I love him with everything in me designed to love another human being (other than my children of course). On Christmas eve I celebrated the anniversary of the first time he told me that he loved me and wanted us to be exclusive. We've shared four Christmases so far and made promises of spending many, many more together in just the same way. But those promises may be short lived.

It's been no secret that my step-son has been quite the hurdle for us. Since day one of him moving in things have been nothing like I (we) anticipated. I was told that he was a good kid, a smart child and that he was gracious and well-mannered. That child evicted when the other child moved in. We've had issues over the past three years with lying, stealing, bullying, manipulation, disrespect and other behaviors that you'd expect more from a small child, not one that is on the verge of being a teenager. TC will be 13 in April and he still has issues such as bed wetting, pooping in the tub, refusing to bathe properly, not brushing his teeth and homework is a joke to him. On top of that, he's extremely lazy and won't do anything for himself unless you just out right make him do it. And that is where even more problems lie.

I refuse to allow this behavior to continue and am insistant on him becoming a responsible, accountable person. As a mother, it is my job to prepare him for a life outside of our home. I am to nurture him and guide him into learning how to be self-sufficient. So, I do correct him when he's wrong and I point out that his current behaviors/attitude is detrimental to his overall being. I instruct him to make his own lunch, clean his room, and so on. One of the biggest pet peeves in the house is laundry. My mother does most of it, and it typically takes all day to get it caught up. She does the whole thing... washes, dries, folds, hanges and puts away. I told her to stop putting TC's away and to make him do it. He doesn't! Most of the time it ends up on the floor of his bedroom or closet and before long you can't tell what is clean and what is dirty, therefore creating more wash the next time.

Monday when I got up to get ready for work I was told about some behavior of TC's the night before. She had done five loads of laundry and had asked TC to put his things away. He did with the exception of a hoodie. He brought it into the living room and wore it for about 20 minutes before dropping it on the floor. When asked to pick it up he gave attitude and threw it on the couch. Shortly after this it was back on the floor and then dragged through the house into the den. Again, mom asked him to pick it up if he wasn't going to actually wear it. Nothing! R didn't even say anything to him about doing what he was told, so it fell on deaf ears. Since nothing was done at the time, I called TC into the living room to have a little chat with him. I told him calmly that if he couldn't respect what my mother did for him then when clothes were found on the floor they would become garbage. I said that he needed to mind my mother and acknowledge that she was an authority figure too. That was it... no screaming, no yelling, and all was back to normal... or so I thought.

Shortly after R comes in from work with his ass on his shoulders wanting to know what was going on. I had no clue what he was talking about. Finally after asking a few times what he meant he finally said that my mother-in-law had called him and said that he needed to take TC somewhere and listen to him. TC had taken the phone to his room and called his Nanny and mother and told them that I was being mean and hateful to him and that I hated him and didn't want him here. He made it out that I had threatened to take all of his clothes away and that I had screamed obscenities at him. LIES... all lies! Like I said, I had talked to him about it and then went on my way getting ready for work. I thought all was fine when the conversation ended, I had no idea I was going to have to justify myself again about my scolding TC. (And yes, I said again. This is far from the first time this has happened.)

Needless to say I exploded at this time. I am so sick and tired of having to justify myself to people who do nothing in the day to day taking care of this child. Everyone wants a say, but no one wants to do the work and they all could do so much better. And the worst part of it is that the all believe that this child can do no wrong. To them, he's perfect. That in itself is the reason why he behaves the way that he does. No one has ever held him accountable for anything he's ever done, so now, he believes rules do not apply to him. So, with all that in the back of my mind, I screamed that I was tired of it all and that I wanted him gone now. I want him out of my house and away from me for a while. This led to a fight between R and I. Our first real big screaming fight.

At this point, I'm ready to forfeit my marriage and relationship with R just to get this child out of my home. I can't take anymore of this. Three years of constant bullshit is just more than I can do and I've reached my end. Last night we had a screaming match to the point where R was grabbing clothes out of the closet to leave. I told him that it was pathetic that even now he couldn't have balls enough to put his foot down to a 12 year old and make him mind properly and that he couldn't demand that his mother take him for a while. I told him that if he couldn't find strength to change it then maybe leaving was the best thing for him. I refuse to live a life miserable because he continues to close his eyes to all that his son does. I'm quick to acknowledge the shortcomings of my daughter and I refuse to give special treatment to his son. The excuse of adjusting is crap and I won't accept that anymore.

So, with all that said, I'm fearful and sad to say that I'm uncertain what the new year holds for us. R finally told TC's mother that she had to take him now, but I'm awaiting the excuses to come before the end of the week. If she refuses to take him, then I have no choice but to help R find a place of his own to raise his son. I'm so at the end of my rope that I can't see any other way to make this better. I need a break from him for a while and I have to get it at whatever cost to my marriage. If tables were turned, then I'm sure we wouldn't have made it this long. I'm hoping for the best, but am anticipating the worst.

VALIDATION

2010-10-22T17:08:00.004-04:00

Our lives are so incredibly precious, yet we never see our own worth unless it's reflecting from the eyes of others. Why do we adjust our value based on others perception of us? Why does what other people feel, think and convey mean so much to us? And why doesn't this need for acceptance, appreciation and validation weaken over time? We apparently never reach an age where the phrase "I don't care what they think" really rings true.

Last Thursday my father-in-law finally called 911 and asked for help. By the time he reached the hospital he had been in a heart attach for approximately three days, his blood sugar was sky high and he was a breathing miracle. They did an immediate angioplasty and found that he was in need of a triple bypass surgery. All three major arteries around the heart were 95% or more blocked and it wasn't an option for him. So, they began working to get his blood sugar down and have his vital signs stabilize before scheduling the operation.

As soon as we heard the news we made plans to get to North Carolina in a hurry. R has been working in Mobile, so he had the furthest to drive. And considering we had other family members that wanted to come, it took some clever thinking to get everyone where they wanted to be. I ended up riding with my sister-in-law and her friend. R took the "scenic route" and went to Jacksonville, Florida to pick up one brother and bring him along. We arrived Thursday night around 11:30pm and R got there around 4:30 am Friday morning. I was so happy to see him, but so sad that it was under the circumstances that it was. That is the double-edged sword to having loved ones at a distance. It sure is nice to see everyone and reminisce, but it's sad that it often takes a tragedy to get you all in the same zip code.

That brings me to my point of this jaunt. This man, father of six, who rarely showed any affection and never showed emotions, broke like a small child. He had been very bull-headed, like most people in their 70s typically are, and had fought some with the nurses. He didn't want to be told that what he had been doing, or in his case, not doing, was bad for him and that he would have to do something different. More than that, he didn't want to be "chained" down to that bed by all the IVs and monitors and told anything by the doctors that he saw as "quacks". Finally, the dust settled and he began to smile. His children had found a way to be here and stand beside where no one had stood before. We all laughed and joked, told stories about our families and discussed everything except the elephant in the room. That elephant kept quiet for a long time until he just couldn't hold back any longer. He said it! He said what I had been thinking and feeling guilty about myself. No one ever makes the move to be there until it's damn near too late.

It's easy to find reason... we are too busy, the kids have school, there's a deadline at work to meet, the car is on its last leg and so on and so on. Truth is, we are a society of selfish beings. Our lives are all about us and we can't see beyond our own noses. Sure, we take care of our children and maybe even help the neighbor up the street occasionally, but those loved ones that are too far away to see everyday are more the "out of sight, out of mind" ones that we neglect to connect to. Personally, most of my family live in Louisiana and I've been away from them most of my life and all of my adult life. I've made the trip "home" a dozen or so times and over half of those were for life-threatening surgeries or funerals. Very few trips have been for want of their company. Right now, it's been over three years since I've seen my very own father and last night I found out that, as I sat in the hospital waiting the outcome of my father-in-laws surgery, my dad was at the hospital having a kidney stone obliterated. I know it isn't a major thing, the kidney stone, but it's my father just the same and I couldn't be there and probably wouldn't have made the trip anyway.

I'm saddened by the thought of all of this. When we are children and teenagers we want to be seen as popular, as adults we want to be well-liked (maybe even envied), and as we grow older we want our lives to reflect who we have been. We need constant validation for all that we do. Someone must accept, acknowledge and appreciate what we do in order to feel worthy. The boy must think the girl is pretty; the girl must see the man as a super hero; and the children must see the parent as larger than life. Validation... the new bad word. Why do we seek it? Why do we die emotionally without it? Why can't we find a way to do it within ourselves and leave the rest for the rest of the world to worry about? As I ask these questions I know that I'll never find the answers and I'll always need the same as everyone else. We are animals that need the belly rubs and patted heads to believe we are superior to any other wild thing our there.

Opening the Box

2010-06-27T17:48:00.002-04:00

It's been so long since I've written anything on here that I have no clue where to even begin. I've closed myself off to the entire world. I wrapped myself in a "blanket" of constant that could not and would not hurt me. I'm lonely in here and I'm ready to come out of the box... hear it?... the lid is opening and I'm stepping out.

It's been almost a year since I received the call that my best friend of twenty-two years had taken her own life. The ironic thing was that that very same morning, when I was getting dressed, I had taken a pair of shoes that she had given me to see how they'd look with my outfit. I suppose that was a sign that she was in my heart at that moment. Wish a million times I had listened more intently to that still, quiet voice and made a simple phone call. Who knows, I may have been able to save her? That is the question that continuously goes through my head (and my heart). Could I have made a difference? Why didn't she call me to talk before she acted so selfishly? There wasn't anything that I would not have done to stop what happened to her. I would have spent days talking non-stop just to have those few extra words... now, I'll never hear her voice again.

Since that time I found myself more secluded (and protected) from the hurt of losing another person that I called friend. When I was nineteen years old, I lost David. That shut me down for quite a while and I didn't think I'd ever be okay with him being gone. And I admit that there are bad days still associated with the loss of him. His birthday and that horrible day in February always makes me a little sad. Now, I not only have those two days but two more... and every day that makes me think of a memory. I'm terrified of opening up to another "in real life" friend. I don't want to feel cheated and abandoned by anyone else. I don't want to ever get another phone call telling me that someone else has left me behind. I don't want to dress for something I'd rather not go to. I don't want to feel that emptiness that never fills back up. I JUST DON'T!!!

I have had some joy though. My son turned one on June 16th and he's growing more amazing all the time. He's beautiful and funny and I can't wait to see how his life with turn out. His laughter makes me feel warm and happy. His smile brightens the darkest moments and I can't even begin to tell you how it feels to have his little hand in mine. My daughter is now a second grader and she's amazing too. Each day I'm blessed with her is a day that I can't be thankful enough for. No one else may see what I see, but she's something wonderful, beautiful and brilliant. I'm happy to have my children, I'm elated they made me a mother and I'm anxious to share their big moments, little moments and the moments we think mean nothing at all.

My husband is working out of state and has been for a while and will be for a while longer. The economy has really put a strain on our marriage, but we're surviving it. I miss him daily and wish things would change to the point he could be home every single night. There are days when I feel totally alone and overwhelmed, but I'd never tell him that and make him feel guilty for having to provide for us. He's sacrificing for us and I can't tell you how loudly that speaks to my heart. I'm finally back to work too, but it's only part-time right now. It's hard work and it takes its toll on me, but I'm hoping to go full-time before long. I figure if I can land full-time then my husband can come home and patiently wait for something here, in state.

Other than that, I think all is well on the homefront. I have good days, bad days, but all days are worth living. Each day begins a new journey for me, for us, and I'm walking it with hope in my heart that things will always be this good or better. Much love to all of those that drop by here... focus on what we have and don't stress about what we don't.

Time Flies

2010-01-18T12:47:00.002-05:00

Good grief! Has it really been this long since I've posted anything? I can't believe this much time has passed in my life, but I suppose it has. I won't come up with some stupid excuse as to why it's taken me so long to get back here, but I will say that my life has just been extremely full with dealing with life. Being a stay at home mom/wife is a much harder, more demanding job than I'm used to doing. I have to say that it was much, MUCH easier being a working woman and not dealing with the housework, the kids (as much), dinner and all that goes with it. Now, I'm consumed with planning, keeping schedules, running errands and doing the tasks that most people deem as "insignificant" in the home. I've grown to appreciate women who choose to stay at home more. In fact, I think women who stay at home should earn a yearly bonus for doing the hardest job in the entire world. GOOD JOB STAY AT HOME MOMS/WIVES!!!

I can't complain about it all though, I'm loving the fact that I'm witnessing all the "firsts" that I missed with my daughter. Lucian is growing like nobody's business and he's got me (and daddy) wrapped completely around that adorable little finger of his. Just this month alone he's sprouted his first tooth, is crawling, says "da da" and is now trying to pull up and stand on his own. I'm just about positive in saying that my son will be walking well before he's a year old. Is that amazing or is that on track? Damn, I can't recall these details anymore. I can say that I had more energy six years ago with my daughter, but the fatigue is worth it all to me. Lucian's smile is the most beautiful thing and he can make you feel like the most special person in the entire world just by touching your face. Wow, what babies can do to you?!?

The hubby is doing great and is an amazing person. He ventures out into the cold every single morning to provide for us. I've never heard him really complain, but I know he'd prefer to be sleeping a little later in the mornings and working in warmer climates. We're doing so well considering the financial situation of our country. We're not rich by any means, but the bills are being paid on time and we're able to put a little back each month again. I'm still looking for work and am hoping to find something good before my unemployment runs out. I'm not looking for the "perfect" job, but I'm hopeful that I'll find something I can be happy with.

The older kids are doing okay. We're still having homework issues with Thomas, but maybe it's the age and a phase that will pass. I am a bit disappointed with the school system here. When report cards came out this time I found out about a policy they have instituted. No child can earn a grade below 50. Even if the assignment is not done at all, they still receive a 50. Some parents may be okay with this, but I'm not. This doesn't teach our children accountability or responsibility and, in my opinion, mocks the kids that actually do do the work. And it deceives parents into believing that their child is doing far better than what they may actually be doing. Just as an example, if a child gets three grades; 100 on their agenda, 75 on a test, and a 50 for not doing their homework, it averages out to 75. Take those same grades and change that 50 to a zero and you get a 58... BIG DIFFERENCE HERE! If you saw your child with a 58 you'd be concerned that they aren't learning what they need to know to proceded to the next grade. If you see the 75, you are deceived in believing that your child is doing farely well with a "C". And the worst part of this is that the kids know this and many, including our oldest, and simply choose not to do the assignments because they know they'll get at least a 50.

Christina is doing well, in fact she earned an award for "mastering" her skills this last nine week period. I'm very proud of her and am excited to be attending her first "musical" at school next month. She actually has a speaking part in a production called "Barnyard Moosical"... she's going to be a goat and I can't wait.

Life is good and I'll try to post some pics later for those that don't have me on facebook or myspace. Hugs to all :)

It's Not All Soggy!

2009-08-05T08:24:00.003-04:00

I'd like to say that life has taken on a glow so bright that shades are required just to wake in the mornings, but the truth is that it's more dismal than I care to admit. So far we're hanging on with a hope and a prayer that things will change for us and become "comfortable" again. I'd like to get back to the point where I KNOW, without doubt, that the bills will be paid. I'd like to drop in the mail the two payments we're behind on the mortgage and take a sigh of relief knowing that we aren't on the brink of defaulting on our home loan. I'd like to walk into the grocery store and buy a bill of groceries and NOT have to worry about what bill I'm not paying just to put food in my children's mouths. And, more than anything else, I'd like to not feel angry about the entire situation and guilty for buying CM's gifts for her birthday next week.

Yep, my baby girl is turning six years old on the 12th and I am in shock that the time has flown by like it has. It seems not that long ago that I was holding her in a receiving blanket and wondering how I was going to learn to be a mother. I recall the fear I had before leaving the hospital. I'm assuming they were normal thoughts and fears, but I wondered if I really had it in me to be a mother. I feared that I'd fall short and not be able to care for her and all her needs, but so far, I've managed to NOT fail her completely. She doesn't have everything she wants and we skimp a bit on the needs sometimes, but she seems to be happy. And I know that she's made my life better everyday since she's been born.

And that brings me to the second of my loves... Lucian is growing so quickly. It's hard to believe he's already almost two months old. Yep, he'll be two months on August 16th! Some days it feels like I've held him a million times and other days it feels like it's the first time all over again. He is beginning to make more noises and I'm anxiously waiting for the giggles to start. He's holding his head up well and making great strides in scooting across the floor. I swear, at this rate, he'll be crawling full force within another month... if we have that long!

As for the other child, well... it is what it is. I'd like to say that he's better, but we have more bad days than good with him. He's insistant on being callous and cold to CM every chance he gets. The plus of the entire situation with him is that he's finally acknowledging that CM is his "sister" and he's warmed up to being a big brother to Lucian. We feared that he'd remain distant and that he'd never bond with him, but he has and it makes me feel good. As bad as it is to admit it, in the long run, I feel he'll ultimately have a closer, stronger bond with CM and Lucian than he will with his other sister and brother by his mother. He doesn't realize it now, but with having a home with us, that means ties will bind the tighter than simple weekend visits. Being here, with us, he'll grow and watch the others grow and change too. Now, if only God can give me patience and the open heart I need to learn to like TC. I've loved him because I love his father, but liking him has been the difficult part... I'm hoping beyond hope that we can fix that.

Another aggravation I have is the way the economy is going and the lack of concern R seems to have for our situation. He's a union ironworker and things have been really off for him for a long time now. He was laid off in October 2008 and stayed that way until February; he worked until the end of March and then was laid off again. He has worked a total of three days since then. I understand that everyone is struggling and construction work is tanking all over the place because they can't get financing for projects, however, if you don't keep your name active on the books, then you can't expect to be called to work. I asked R yesterday if his name was back on the list and active, he ignored me for a while so I asked again and insisted on an answer... the answer was "I'll call the hall tomorrow and get it added back on." Yeah, this pissed me off completely. I have no job to go back to, I've put in over 50 applications and am making a plan just in case we lose the house. R gets angry when I bring up foreclosure, but it's very possible this could happen, especially if he doesn't go back to work soon... REAL SOON! I mean really, how can he expect to cover the bills when we have NO income other than unemployment. The way I figure it, we either buy groceries or pay the mortgage, we can't do both. And if I do both of those, then we have no electricity or water. It's a no win situation without him going back to work and that can't happen if he doesn't become more pro-active about looking for a job SOMEWHERE, union or not, we need income.

The good note is that the kids started school this past Monday and they both seem to like it. And to make things more interesting, I'm going tomorrow for an orientation class to see about acquiring my GED. I figure I have no excuse not to go and take care of this. Since I no longer have time constraints I can take the prep classes that they offer to ensure I pay the fee only once to take the test. Keep you fingers crossed for me/us that all will work out the way it should. I have faith that God will see us through, but I wish he'd share the plan of action with me so that I could avoid the migraines and stress induced body aches.

Hugs to all!

The good and bad of life

2009-06-28T07:21:00.004-04:00

Well, life has changed significantly since I announced my pregnancy back in October. First came the bad... the assholes that I have worked for for the past eleven years cut my hours again only to end up terminating my position completely and canceling my insurance a mere two weeks before me giving birth. Can we say gratitude? I can't say that any of their actions surprised me, but I will admit that I was hoping they'd have done the "right thing" by me and helped me through the maternity leave. Instead I got a separation notice and not quite a month's pay.

And as if that wasn't bad enough on its own, R hasn't worked since the beginning of May. He's a union ironworker and there are just no jobs to go to right now. He's called every morning to the hall hoping for something to put his name in for, but it's dead. He's drawing unemployment, but it's only enough to pay his personal bills and nothing really towards the household expenses or groceries. I went and applied for unemployment myself, but don't really qualify to receive it until I can actively seek work... translation, until my maternity leave is up, I get nothing.

And the icing on the cake for the bad came this past Wednesday when R and I went down to file for food stamps. Yes, we are in that position to ask for serious help. Like I said before, his unemployment doesn't really pay anything and I'm not drawing anything right now. You'd think that it would be a no-brainer and that we'd be approved no problems. Well, I was wrong. We walked out of there with our pride swallowed and no help at all. For whatever reason, we didn't qualify for any assistance at all. NOTHING! Can you freakin' believe that?!? I was amazed at how they figure we can make ends meet when the only income we have right now is A$277 per week and the mortgage alone is $615, not to mention we have utilities, car note and diapers to buy. My last hope is that we will be approved for WIC and that it will cover the formula for "Bug".

But it isn't all bad either. I figure God is testing me and my faith and that everything will be fine in the long run. I have a beautiful baby boy to love and an amazing little girl who loves me regardless of our bank account balance. Lucian was born on June 16th at 1:42 am after 16 hours of active labor and a last minute C-Section. I was wiped out completely by the time he made it into this world, but he was/is worth every second of discomfort and pain. He's my last unless God has a hand in it, and I'm enjoying being a "new mom" again. The only issue that I'm having with him is that his paternal grandmother is insistant on calling him by a nickname of his middle name. I'm trying to keep the peace about it, but it irks the piss out of me!

Tuesday will be two weeks since I had Lucian and I will be released to drive on my own again. That's when I will be pounding the pavement looking for a new job. I know they say to wait six weeks until you do anything, but I don't have that luxury right now. We are in a bad way and I have to find something soon. To be honest, it may come down to me finding a couple of jobs to make ends meet until Russell goes back to work. We are hanging on by a thread and it scares the hell out of me. I've never been in such a bleak situation and I'm hoping to overcome the obstacles and find a "peace" in the near future. Please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

I think that about covers everything right now. I'll be back soon to let you all know how things are going. Now to go play with my baby :)

He's Here!

2009-06-19T16:30:00.002-04:00

Don't feel much like writing a novel right now, but wanted to post that I will be on here soon to post my labor and delivery story of my new baby boy. He's precious and I'm madly in love! Hugs to all my friends who have to wait to hear more.

Big Changes, Fear and 37 Weeks Preggo!

2009-06-04T13:05:00.002-04:00

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been around a lot lately, but I've had a ton on my plate. First off, May 29th was my last day at work. This can be viewed as a good thing, but it's really not. I worked for this company just shy of eleven years and all I got out of it was a separation notice, a joke of severance pay and the promise to cancel my insurance effective June 1st. How great is that considering I have 3 weeks left in my pregnancy? Whatever happened to company loyalty to its employees? And to make it worse, I was actually expected to prepare everything and make things easier for those that they were bringing in to the fold. I've never wished harm to anyone really, but this time around I'd like to believe that justice could be doled out quickly. Hopefully karma will find its way around to getting them taken care of.

Then comes the fear. R has been laid off for the past month and nothing is in the near future of changing. We're not doing all that well right now and I'm afraid it will get worse before it gets better. I have to go file for unemployment but am unsure if I'll get penalized for being pregnant. And even if I'm not, it's barely enough to pay the bills, so that means filing for food stamps just to make ends meet. Let's hope the hypocrisy doesn't raise its ugly head and keeps us from getting that bone thrown to us.

Then there is the issue of the alien whose taken full control of my body! I am 37 weeks along today and I can't wait to see his little face. So far everything looks really good and there's no real reason to induce before 39 weeks. They won't let me go beyond that because of the diabetes, but if I go before that they won't stop it either. He's growing so big and takes up every inch of my insides. He's very active and has me extremely sore right now, but hey, I'm happy he's doing well and healthy.

Gonna run go pee, but I'll check back in soon! Hugs to all my friends, God bless and all my love!

Time is Flying

2009-04-16T17:00:00.003-04:00

Can you believe that I've already hit the 30 week mark? I can't! In fact, it seems a bit surreal to me right now. The thought of having another child in my arms, my house, my life is a bit terrifying. I thought by now I'd feel that I had everything together, but instead I'm feeling like I don't have the first clue as to what I'm doing or what I was thinking. I'm sure I'm one of about a trillion women who've felt this way, so I'm not looking for some Zen answer, but it would be nice if I could go one day without doubting myself and the decision I made to do this again.

The flip of the coin is feeling my baby boy growing and moving inside of me. I'm soaking in these "moments" that are just between the two of us. It's like we have a secret language that only he and I can understand. Too soon from now I'll be sharing everything about him with everyone else, so I take great strides to touch back when he knocks. The funny thing is that through all the ultrasounds we've had, he's made it a point to make certain they know who's in charge... HE IS! He refuses to move until he decides it's time to; which is usually after they've turned the machine off.

During our last appointment they found that "Bug" is measuring a whopping 3lbs 15oz. This is about a pound more than he should be weighing at this time. Of course I have my doubts about the measurements because the tech did everything so damn quickly we barely saw anything at all. Which was a real pisser considering I had taken CM with me to this appointment. We were hoping for a 3D pic of him, but the tech refused to take time to try to get him to move and get a shot of his face. Anyway, thing is, if he's really weighing this much, they said there's no way I'll go to a full 40 weeks. I'm assuming that they will end up inducing me at 37 weeks like they did with CM. Translation... I HAVE ONLY 7 WEEKS LEFT! Yeah, that's frightening as hell. Other than "Bug" being a big boy, the appointment went well. My diabetes is pretty much under control and I'm feeling really, really good.

CM is doing well too. She's on spring break this week and has had a full week of playing and getting dirty. She had a dentist appointment this morning and came through without any bad news at all. They checked for her "big teeth" coming in and all looks fine, including have NO CAVITIES! This is a good thing considering she loves her some goodies! It's amazing how quickly she's growing though. I look at her sometimes and recall the first moment I saw her face. Hard to swallow that almost six years have passed since that second. It's a bit saddening to watch her grow when all I want to do is wrap her back into my arms and keep her close to me. Now, I'll be doing that with another baby... SHEESH! the hurt we put ourselves through!

Other than that, life is good. I'm learning how to trust more than I ever thought I could and I'm finding faith in myself that I didn't realize I had. I'll be changing jobs after the baby is born and that scares me to death, but it will be good. I have faith that God will guide me in the right direction for that. I'm also learning that it's okay to be a little weak without appearing to fall apart in front of those that you love who love you back. Yep, this pregnancy is teaching me a bit about humility and limitations. IT'S ALL GOOD!

25 Wks 5 Days

2009-03-19T13:49:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone, just thought I'd pop in and make another update. I had an appointment this week with my perinatal doctor and all is looking really good. My little "Bug" is growing like a weed and is quite active these days. However, he was being a bit stubborn when it came to having his picture taken this time. He refused to get in "better light" and have a really good photo made. We did have the opportunity to do all the measuring of legs, arms, head and tummy; all of those things look great. On our next appointment we're hoping to get in for a 3-D ultrasound, but I'm just as happy with the plain ole ordinary ultrasounds.

As for me personally, I am feeling pretty good in spite of the fact I'm having to prick my fingers four times a day and give myself shots twice a day. I'm hoping the recent increase in insulin will be all I need until I'm through with this pregnancy. I'm worried that all that insulin will make it harder on "Bug" when he reaches the outside world. I know I'm probably worrying about next to nothing, but still, it's my job to do this and it won't stop for about thirty or so years. :D

Things at home are going well too with the exception of R being laid off again. I don't stress too much about it, but it's not really the most opportune time for this to happen. I've been cut back to part-time at my job, so the carrying I did the last go around can't happen this time. In other words, it could get rough real quick if he's not called back to work. And to make it worse, I'm doing everything I can to get the necessities for the baby bought, but feel guilty if I spend any money on anything. I'm hoping that something will break and things will just simply fall into place for us and our finances.

The kids are doing well too. CM has been battling head lice, but she's a trooper about all the washing and picking, so it's not so bad. TC is happy to be off restriction but is anxious about getting his report today. He knows that if it's bad, then the punishment will be too. Considering he's had a month of down time to concentrate of schoolwork, there's no reason he should not be making good grades.

I think that about covers everything. I'll be back as soon as I can to post more of the adventure. Hugs to all and happy arrival of real spring!

21 Weeks 5 Days

2009-02-18T12:42:00.004-05:00

Went to the doctor yesterday and saw "Bug" again. He's doing just fine and growing right on target. They said his measurements are right in line with my due date of June 25th. I was just surprised to find that I was still wrong and that he was still a HE! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be having a smooth, uneventful pregnancy and a healthy baby growing inside of me, but I'd rather it had been another girl. I know what I'm doing, kind of, with a girl... I'm clueless when it comes to raising a son. And I'd like to think Mom will be a big help, but she only had girls too.

All in all, once the initial shock wore off, we are all happy with our baby boy coming soon. Now if we can just get the rest of life to fall into place. I'll write more about that tomorrow, today is too emotional.

Hugs to all and here's a pic!

Do You See What I See?

2009-01-26T11:38:00.004-05:00

Hey everyone, I can't keep a secret for long and neither can my baby boy! Yep, that's right, we're having a BOY! I went to my regular OB this morning and they could not find the heartbeat with the doppler, so they had me wait for ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. As soon as she put the ultrasound to me he flipped and spread his little legs for mommy. No doubt about it, there's a "woobie" there.

I won't say that I'm not a little disappointed because we really wanted a girl, but I know that "Bug" is healthy and growing just right, so I'm thankful to God to be blessed with a boy. Now I have to think blue and boy names.

17 Weeks 5 Days

2009-01-21T16:40:00.004-05:00

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to hope on here and leave a bit of an update. I had an appointment with the perinatal specialist yesterday and was hoping to find out what "Bug" was, but it didn't go like I'd hoped. Bug is measuring perfectly on track for how far along I am. I haven't gained a single pound as of yet, I feel great and I'm doing okay managing the diabetes. Everything was going just wonderful until my already willful child decided NOT to cooperate with us. No matter how much we pushed and prodded, Bug wasn't moving to show us anything good.

So, we know that Bug is growing, but we don't know if Bug's a boy or girl yet. My heart still wants a girl, but I'll be elated to have a healthy boy. I do have a second chance at seeing though. I go to the regular OB on Monday and they may do an ultrasound there. In a way I'm dying to know, but in a way I'm willing to wait until February to learn the "truth".

Hope everyone else is doing well and I'll check in soon. Much love being sent with this post!

17 Weeks Along & Everything Else

2009-01-15T15:14:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone, sorry I haven't been updating constantly, but there's not a whole lot to tell really. So far we've found out that I have gestational diabetes that will probably continue after the pregnancy is over. In fact, I began insulin shots about a week ago. So far, I'm doing okay with it and am trying really hard to eat better. And I must be doing pretty well with the eating control because I'm four months into this and haven't gained a single pound... YAH ME!!!

My next appointment is with the perinatal doctor on the 20th. Hopefully we'll be able to see the sex of the baby and have a definite, although I'm already pretty set on this baby being another girl. After that things will really start to pick up. Right now I'm the only one who feels the baby moving, but in a couple of weeks CM will be able to feel it too. She's so excited and talks to "Bug" all the time. I may be hoping for the impossible, but I really think she's going to be an amazing big sister. I know we'll have bouts of jealousy and anger, but overall, I'm very optimistic.

R is now back to work and hopefully we'll get "leveled out" again real soon. We've butted heads a few times on a few issues, but I think I've finally proven my point and he's grown some nads where the ex is concerned. I refuse to have my entire life hang on the whims of a spoiled, selfish bitch of a woman and I've spoken my law. I feel since we provide everything on a daily basis for TC, then the least she can do is drive to come get him for her weekends, which she typically finds an excuse to cancel. Money is tight for everyone and no one wants to drive three hours round-trip, but it's her son too and she can make an effort. I wouldn't be so adament about this, but since they split almost two years ago, R has done ALL of the transporting and that isn't fair to him (or us).

Other than that, things seem to be going well. We're finding our "co-parenting" niche. Though I feel like a horrible bitch on most days, I have to say I refuse to allow TC to get away with things I wouldn't allow CM to. In my eyes it's mandatory for the children to understand and respect we are the adults and they are not, that means following our rules and asking permission for certain things. If this cannot be done voluntarily, then punishment will be doled out until an understanding and acceptance is achieved. And yes, I do expect more from TC simply because he's 5 years older than CM and should be able to handle more and do more; however, by example, CM does far more than he does without having to be told constantly. UGH!!! Why can't it just be easy?

We've also had our first war with lice this week. CM managed to pick it up somewhere and had been clawing her head non-stop for days before I actually spotted some of the culprits. That meant a run to Walmart to get RID and several hours of washing and combing her hair out. The next morning I repeated the process and found a few that had evaded the previous night's raid. So far none have returned, but I'm washing again this weekend just to make certain.

And that about covers life around these parts. Hopefully when I post back on her Wednesday I'll be announcing we're on the pink or blue team. Cross your fingers that it's pink cause I'm not sure I could survive a boy if they're all like TC. In fact, I'm not so sure on most days that I'm going to survive TC himself. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'd rather it be me and my babies alone than having R there and having to tolerate a child I can't get close to and trust anymore. God give me strength!

Hugs to all... much love!

Hard to be Happy

2008-12-04T16:45:00.002-05:00

I know it sounds like a horrific pity party that I'm throwing, but I just can't seem to get happy about much of anything right now. R has been laid off since the end of September, his savings is gone and the unemployment only covers his "personal" bills. My paycheck is covering the mortgage and utilities, but little more than that. We have Christmas coming up and have to borrow money to have anything at all for the kids. I know gifts aren't important, but every parent wants something under the tree for their child and I'm no different. I feel I'm getting screwed by Medicaid this time around. During my last pregnancy they covered the co-pays and my insurance paid the rest. Now, their policy has changed and they won't pay co-pays at all for any reason. Basically I signed up for NO help at all. That added expense is $40 dollars more a month that I don't really have to spend. Oh and let's not forget that we have to pay for parking too!

On top of the money issues I'm finding I have issues with R being at home and things NOT getting done. I look at it this way, if you're the one home all day with nothing to do except playing your computer game, then get something accomplished. Do I really need to make a to-do list every single night for the next day? If you see the floor is dirty, vacuum, sweep, mop, whatever. If you see that the clothes bin is full, do laundry. He's a grown man who should be able to do things without being told. And to make it worse, if you aren't going to do it yourself then don't bother me when I start to do it myself. Don't wait until I'm halfway through to ask if I want/need help. The answer is, "NO!, I don't need help because it should have been done while I was out working!" It's so infuriating to tell him to put something on for dinner, how to do it, when to start it and then have to wait until 9pm to actually eat because he did it all his way. UGH!!!

Then add in the fact that the morning sickness has been kicking my ass and is just now easing off a bit. I've had a major chest cold and now have a sinus thing that won't give me a break. Of course there is no medicine that I can take that will REALLY help, but hey, that's part of being pregnant right? I'm in need of a couple of pairs of maternity pants, but can't afford them. I need to start saving for when I have maternity leave, can't do that. Things have to be bought in preparation of bringing this baby into the world, can't do that. And the list goes on and on. I'm tired of feeling like it's all on my shoulders. I'm tired of taking care of an ungrateful child that isn't mine. I'm angry that no matter who I have a relationship with it all falls on my back to carry the entire load. I'm just so fucking fed up with the way things are that I'm almost ready to blow my stack and tell R to take himself and his brat somewhere, anywhere else and leave me to raise my own children alone. If I have to do it alone, then leave me alone. I know that's probably jumping the gun considering R can't help the economy and the fact there's no work available for him right now, but good God help me in other ways so that I don't feel I'm flying solo here.

And PLEASE STOP telling me how hard the pregnancy was for your ex. That lucky bitch didn't have to get up at 6am to get two kids off to school nor did she have to get herself ready through morning sickness and go to work full-time, pay all the bills herself and do 99% of the housework. No, it wasn't so bad for her... when she wanted to nap, she slept. When she was sick she didn't have to worry about it, she just wobbled into the bathroom, threw-up and laid down until she felt better. I doubt it was all that horrible considering she had nothing to do except be pregnant. And so help me God if she says anything along the lines of relating to what I feel this weekend when we see her, I'll probably deck her!

I think that ends my rant for the day... hope everyone else is doing well.

Introducing Baby Bean

2008-11-19T12:27:00.002-05:00

Well, I just thought I'd pop on here and introduce, by photograph, our newest addition to the family! I went yesterday for my first perinatal appointment and got an U/S done. Lucky for me to be considered "high risk" and have the opportunity to see "Bean" growing every single appointment.

The visit went well in spite of the fact R was disappointed there weren't two babies in there. We have one healthy, on-track baby growing inside this womb. I'm just happy everything was as it should be and that nothing bad had happened. I was a bit worried... no, I WAS SCARED!!! Now, I can rest easier knowing that all is good and the first trimester will be done in just a few more weeks. Hopefully the morning sickness will be gone then too.

As for everything else, well I'm doing fine. I'm anxious for R to be called back to work. He's been laid off for almost two full months now and things are getting a little strained. Of course Christmas will be shot if he doesn't go back to work soon. There's no way that I can manage the mortgage, the utilities and everything else too. I just simply cannot stretch it that far. Keep your fingers crossed that he'll get a call before the month is out.

Other news is that my wonderfully brave, strong and handsome nephew has made it home from "Hell" (the war in Iraq). He will be spending some time in Colorado before heading this way to visit his oh-so-happy aunt for Christmas. Him and his wife will be moving to Columbus, GA and living a life around Ft. Benning. If the offer is still good, my nephew will be teaching there and hopefully won't find his way back to war of any kind any time soon. I know, without doubt, that God has blessed him (and us) for allowing him to come home completely unharmed. Well, physically unharmed, mentally, I can only imagine the horrors he's seen and had to do to others. I pray that God continue to give him strength to build a strong life and find happiness. Trust me when I say all those that fight, have fought and those that have given their lives deserve more than a mere thanks could ever cover.

Lastly, my mom will be leaving today on a bus headed for Louisiana. She will be going to meet up with her "husband" and then headed back home in a few days. They'll be renting a place close by, but far enough for everyone to have privacy. She is venturing out on creating a life for herself again. I love my mother, appreciate all the help she gives and has given to me, but I'm ready for her to have a life and me to have mine back. It's not easy trying to run a household when there are two queens of the castle. I think it's a good thing for everyone. Hopefully the transition will be a smooth one.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

Clinic Visit

2008-10-27T14:27:00.002-04:00

I know that a lot of people would slam me for getting some help, but honestly, things are tough all over. With that being said, I went to the county clinic this morning. I had a pregnancy test done and filed all my paperwork for WIC and Pregnancy Medicaid. The WIC comes in handy to get the basics and encourage me to eat (and drink) better while pregnant. The Medicaid is what I use as a "secondary" to cover what my insurance won't. If this pregnancy is anything like mine with CM, then the charges can rack up quickly. With her I saw the OB and a perinatal specialist and took Heparin shots twice a day. There's no way I could have covered all of those co-pays then and now, with the new plan I'm on, I certainly couldn't. Oh well, to hell with those that think I shouldn't, I'm doing what insures I'll have a healthier baby.

As for the rest, we're still pregnant! I admit that I was getting a bit rattled waiting to hear a confirmation. I suppose most women do this, but if not, then I'll admit to being totally neurotic. I'm even more anxious to go on Thursday to my OB and get a good look at "Baby Bean" and if he/she is in the right spot and developing on track. Nothing has happened to make me think anything is wrong, I just want to be told it's all okay. Once we get that, then it's time to tell everyone IRL.

I have to say that has been the hardest part (and still is). I want to tell everyone I know I'm expecting again. Keeping it quiet from my mom has been torture for me. There have been a millions times over the last week that I've about stumbled and said too much. I think she knows already and is just playing my game, but still... I WANT TO TELL! And more importantly, I'm ready to tell CM and see how she handles the idea of being a big sister now that it's going to actually happen. I'm hoping she'll accept it well, but all that could change once the baby is born.

Other than that, there's not much going on around these parts. I've been trying to stay alert after 2pm, avoiding morning sickness as much as possible and imagining what of mine this child will possess. Life is good! (Now if only they'd call R back to work! LAY OFFS SUCK!)

No One Spotted It

2008-10-22T11:02:00.004-04:00

I have to say that I'm a bit saddened that no one spotted what was new on my page. I thought for certain everyone would catch the widget down on the right. Well, for those that looked, but didn't find... I'M PREGNANT! It's early, real early, but I couldn't hold it in and NOT share it with my online family. We've decided NOT to tell IRL family yet, not until I actually go to the doctor and get the "official" diagnosis. We figure it's best not to get the kids in the know until we know for certain everything is good and how it should be. I have to say that it's been excruciating for me to keep this secret. I've wanted to tell my mom at least a million times or more, but I know if I did, then it would have slipped to the kids already.

I'm very excited, happy and scared. I wanted this, but wasn't expecting it to happen so quickly and easily. It took me a long time to have CM. In fact, they told me for over ten years that I would never have a child of my own. I suppose I've proven that doctors aren't always right! The really terrifying part of this is that twins run in R's family. Considering how quickly I got the positive on the HPT, I'm wondering if we could have more than one. Could you even imagine? I can't! Oh well, I suppose if that's the plan for us, then so be it. Obviously it was the time to have another baby so I'll take what is given to me.

Thanks for letting me share! I'll let ya'll know more when I go to the doctor on the 30th... gosh!, that's going to take forever to get here :( So, those that have a link to me on Facebook or MySpace, please DO NOT post anything there. As I said, I haven't told family yet and don't want them to know until I'm ready to tell them. THANKS A TON!

2008-10-20T15:38:00.002-04:00

LOOK AROUND MY PAGE AND SEE IF YOU NOTICE SOMETHING NEW... I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW TO SEE IF ANYONE FOUND IT.

No Wonder They Fail!

2008-10-01T11:26:00.001-04:00

Best Temp Gig In History

I read this story this morning and it honestly made me sick. With salaries like this running the gamut, it's no surprise that financial institutions are failing. How can any one company believe that their CEO's are so great to warrant an annual income or severance package like these? Come on people, think for one damn minute. We all know that the higher up the ladder someone is the less work they actually do. The people in these positions typically spend their days telling their assistants what to do while teeing off at the fanciest golf club in town. And as if "Joe CEO" isn't taking enough on his own, there are typically numerous presidents, vice presidents, assistants, secretaries and the path continues down to multiple people claiming to do the exact same job.

I feel like this is the MAJOR point they need to write into the "bailout bill" before it even gets serious consideration to be voted into affect. Any financial institution needing assistance should have to submit records of salaries being paid out, the positions examined for validity and then each and every single employee beyond a certain pay point should have the choice given to them to either take a serious pay cut or termination with minimal severance packages. Why does this make sense, well let's think... if we shell out the $700 billion dollars to these companies the first thing that will happen is they will line their own pockets before they worry about us little folks down at the bottom of the barrel.

My personal opinion is that each and every U.S. Citizen should be given a true and worthy "stimulus" check. In turn, these citizens will pay on or off existing debt, buy new products and services and the line will continue until it filters into the banks. This is a definitive answer to the problem. We are consumers and if we are in a position to buy, we do. It's the nature of our behavior. Our government needs to stop thinking about big business and start concentrating on it's people that create the base for these corporations to operate continually. If we are given the chance to better ourselves we will and that makes a stronger country overall.

The other point is that the government also needs to look at "big business" and regulate just how much of their workloads are going to foreign countries. Yes, I know they get the labor and services done at cheaper rates, but it's killing us here. Ponder this... Company A decides to bring all their work back to the U.S. and employee citizens of this country. Initially they will lose some profit because they'll have to pay at least minimum wage; however, that same person earning those wages will begin to buy more and that in turn feeds that same companies profits. It's a circle and right now it's broken because our people are left unemployed while the woman in Budapest who is answering the customer service calls is making $2 per hour and spending it in her own country and fueling it's economy... NOT OURS!!!

I'm not a college graduate, I'm not a politician, but I am a citizen and a consumer. I understand that that sometimes the best answer to the question is the simplest idea. Once upon a time the United States was a strong, self-sufficient country. We could build anything and depend on our own means to help nurture the "American Dream", now, we are so dependent on other countries we can't grab our own asses without them designing a GPS to show us where it is. I think the first step to making our country and it's CITIZENS stronger is to bring it all back home. We need to open our eyes to the obscenity in politics and big business and find our way back to a government that believes what President Lincoln said in his "Gettysburg Address".

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

It's My 34th Birthday

2008-09-26T15:43:00.002-04:00

Yep, through it all I've managed to survive up to this point. I've fallen down many mountains and climbed my share of slippery slopes. I've learned that nothing is so bad that you can't bounce back from it and nothing is so good that it won't tarnish at some point in time. It's like the bible says, "to everything a season". I too have had seasons; some golden and sweet, some emblazoned with anger, and some so blue that I thought my heart would fall right out of my chest. I've also acquired a taste for my toes and have partaken of them often. My mouth tends to override any sense of rationality that I may possess, but I can't be labeled as being deceitful or coy. Nope, I'd rather hurt you with the truth than deceive with a lie. I think that could be one of my downfalls.

Oh well, I don't have much to say about today. I had bought tickets to see 3 Doors Down, but they postponed the show so that's not happening. R is taking TC to his mom's tonight and has to have a talk with them. Her boyfriend, new baby's daddy, can't seem to hold a job and pay the bills and since R won't do it anymore, they are moving to North Carolina. I know this is going to be hard for TC and probably make his behavior worse for a while. I'm praying that it won't and will actually open his eyes to the fact that my home is the only home he has and he should try harder to make it work and not be so selfish and mean all the tie. Anyway, thing is, once that all happens I doubt it will leave much time for me and my birthday. Don't mind really, what I planned fell through and can't think of anything I really want to do other than that.

I did want to thank those that dropped me birthday wishes. THANK YOU SO MUCH! It really did make me feel good to get the emails and comments. I can't believe that I've managed to keep so many friends online because I totally suck in person :) Hope you all have a great evening and a wonderful weekend. MUCH LOVE!

2008-09-26T13:30:00.001-04:00

What's Sexy About Your Name

You are sexy because you are sensitive. You feel deeply.

You're the type of person who loves being seduced and pursued.

You're too passive to ever take the lead, but you don't mind waiting for someone to notice you.

And once someone is chasing you, you love every moment until you are caught.

Everything inside your head gets a little intense at times. You can get a bit overwhelmed in the bedroom.

Your senses are very sharp. You are easily stimulated and turned on.

What's Sexy About Your Name?

Fear & Loathing in Georgia

2008-09-25T12:05:00.002-04:00

I don't even know where to begin with this. There are so many things going on both inside and outside the home that I'm completely overwhelmed. First off, there's a gas shortage in Georgia. Due to the damage done by Gustav and Ike, the refineries are not completely back online and therefore, we are not getting full shipments here. I'm sure it isn't affecting just our state, but others that draw from the Texas/Gulf area as well. Typically this isn't a big deal, but we have an insane number of TOTAL MORONS! who believe they have to not only top off every single day, but block traffic around and near all gas stations with fuel, cut in line in front of those who've already been waiting for an hour or more and then start screaming matches and fights with those that they cut off. Yeah, it's like freakin' Disneyland around here this week. NEWS FLASH!!! The refineries will be back online and working at full capacity within a week to ten days, until then, if everyone drives a little less, then it's not a big deal. The trick is NOT to run to the big convenience stores, but stop off and pay a little more per gallon at the "mom and pop" type stores. Trust me, they have gas aplenty.

The next big thing is the sheer rate of inflation us little folks have seen recently. It began with 9/11, carried through to the war, the government, oil tycoons, big business and hurricanes. I, like most other lower-middle class families, am having a really hard time making ends meet. I did what I thought was the right thing by filing with a debt management plan only to find I was being robbed. Then I filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy to save myself and my home, that may have been a mistake too. My home is mortgaged through Countrywide and though they told me they'd work with me on me reaffirming my mortgage and NOT including it in my bankruptcy, they proceeded to file a suit against me to begin foreclosure. Yes, I am behind on my payments, but that was by instruction of one of THEIR "agents". They said if I allowed it to become "default" status, then they'd modify my loan and things would be right as rain... NOT!!! Now, I'm wondering if my bankruptcy will clear through the courts without protestation and what will happen with my mortgage/home when I go to court on October 10th with Countrywide. Factor all that in with the fact my gas tank is making me diet and that adds up to one pissed off bitch!

We are still having problems at home too. I've come to the conclusion that TC refuses to do anything about his behavior simply because he'd like to see me and his dad separate. He knows that there are no options like him living with his mother, so that means R would have no choice but to rent a place and move them both out of the house. In fact, this very topic came up yesterday when I confronted R about TC's latest and greatest lie and treatment of CM. R said he was sorry that he brought his "brat" into my house and disrupted things so badly. He was sorry that TC made CM so unhappy and afraid to do anything. Then he ended the conversation by reminding me that if we couldn't fix things then he'd have no choice but to move out. You can only imagine my heartache to hear it and my anger knowing that our entire future depends on his son's behavior. I understand his son comes first, the same as CM comes first with me, the problem is, it's not blatant dislike that's the issue or that I'm being mean to TC, the problem is simple jealousy and control. TC likes it when he has total control and when the world revolves around him and ONLY him. I've never seen a more selfish child in my life. (Or maybe I'm the one being selfish, who the hell knows anymore?)

And to make it worse, R and I were talking marriage and having a baby. We discussed our plans we'd like to see come to fruition. We've started a savings account for a vacation next year, a cruise to be more exact. There are tons of things that we want to do and have made provisions for and now, it's all shit in a blender. Last night, sitting beside R on the sofa, it occured to me that this could be one of the last times we have this type of closeness. My heart hurt so bad I couldn't breathe. Then my mind went into overdrive telling me that I wasn't worthy of love and that this is just a sign that some people are meant to be alone forever. I bashed myself with "you should have known better than to believe this was something special" and "how stupid can you be for falling in love again?" It's a blade slicing in both directions at once, I want to hold on so tightly and completely that R can't go, but I also want to begin distancing myself so that I can breathe when he has to leave. I know it's inevitable, TC won't change his attitude and I can't make wine from water. In other words, I need a miracle to make this work and I don't think God's in the market for handing them out to sinners like me.

I started this year off believing it was going to be something amazing. For the first time in what seemed like a lifetime I was happy and optimistic... now, I just want to make it through without a total breakdown.

2008-09-05T13:51:00.002-04:00

I suppose I should have vented earlier, but I've been trying to cope without bitching or whining too much. Now, I'm at my wits end and am feeling over stressed and angry. For a recap, R and I have been living together since June and TC got thrown on us at the last minute before school started in August. I won't lie and say that things have been great, but I figured it would all work out; I'm beginning to think it may not.

TC's behavior has been less than stellar since his arrival. The first week of school he had a fight on the bus. When asked what it was over, he lied. The next morning when the boy he had the confrontation with tried to speak to me, TC had a fit and refused to let him get a word in. So, I knew, without doubt, that TC had a hand in starting the quarrel. Then after I got over with the flu, he lied about being sick and needing to be picked up from school. He didn't get in the door good and he was asking to go outside, IN THE RAIN, to play. As if that wasn't enough, he flat out refused to mind my mother. No matter what she says to him, he does as he pleases. He believes that no rules apply to him and it makes it difficult for my mother. She doesn't feel comfortable disciplining him, but can't handle his insubordination and disrespect.

Then there are numerous issues we're dealing with TC regarding CM. First off, he's very manipulative and holds his age difference over her head. The first incident was me finding out that they played the "show mine, show yours" game. TC wanted to see her "privacies" as she calls it and told her to show him. Of course wanting to "please" him, she obliged. After she got to thinking about it she realized she wasn't comfortable with it and told me. She then explained that it only happened once but that TC often called her into the bathroom with him or tried to follow her in. We didn't make a huge deal of it, but laid rules down that there would be NO sharing bathroom time and NO closed doors.

Then there is the issue of him not being able to keep his hands to himself. The first time CM said that TC "whipped" her I figured they were just playing. I did tell TC that he needed to NOT hit CM or that there would be consequences to his actions. The second time CM didn't say anything. In fact, she tried to hide it so that TC wouldn't get into trouble. She needed a shower and we were running late, so I offered to help her wash quickly. She did everything she could NOT to show me her backside, when I demanded her to turn around I saw why... her bottom was bruised up. I knew what it was but asked if she had fallen. She said no and then I asked if she got into trouble by Granny. Again she answered no and then dropped her head. I told her that keeping something from me when I asked was the same as lying to me, so she whispered that TC had done it. I was livid!!! She said that TC had gotten on to her for scratching her bug bites and for "copying" a picture I had made for her. He coaxed her into going outside and getting into my mother's car so that no one would hear her crying. When he was finished he told her NOT to say anything to anyone or else he'd do it again, worse.

Needless to say this was the last straw for me. I got CM washed, dried and dressed for bed. Then I proceded into the dining room where R was sitting and called TC into the room. I figured it was best to hash it out in front of everyone so there'd be no miscommunications. I told TC that he was a child and that he had no right to "whip" anyone or make rules for anyone to follow. I also told him that if he ever laid another hand on CM in any way I would whip him myself so hard that I'd leave marks on him so he'd know what it felt like. Then when I'd said my entire piece, I did the only thing I could to avoid grabbing him and beating him senseless... I walked out of the house. I knew if I'd have started I have gone at it to hurt him and not discipline him and that's NEVER right. I was so angry that I was shaking and when R came outside to check on me I let him have it too. I told him things would have to change or TC would have to leave and if that meant losing him than so be it. I stated that I refuse to allow CM to grow up believing ANY MAN has the right to hit her for what he feels is wrong. And what really pissed me off, R only talked to TC. I felt like it deserved a whipping or at the very least an extensive grounding time.

Anyway, flash to today. R has a PSP and allows TC to play it, but he isn't allowed to take it off with him anywhere. This is a rule that's been in place for quite some time. This morning while I went to start the car, he grabbed it, put it in his pocket and headed off to school like normal. When I got back from taking him to the bus stop Mom mentioned that she thought he'd taken it. I searched the bedroom up and down. Yep, he'd taken it with him. I texted R and asked if he'd given permission for it. He hadn't. I then had to drive all the way to the school to get the PSP, scold TC and bring the game back to the house before coming to work. I was livid again. As if taking it wasn't enough, he actually began to lie to me when I asked him there at the school where it was. He was going to say he didn't have it! Can you believe this crap? Honestly, I have NO trust left in this child and I'm getting to the point where I dislike being around him or doing anything for him. I wish a million times that I hadn't agreed to him coming to live with us for the school year.

I'm in such a funk about all this. My relationship with R is the best I've ever had. He's an amazing man, but I'm not sure I can tolerate TC. And I know for certain I WILL NOT sacrifice CM's safety in any way simply because TC's mother won't take responsibility enough to raise her own child. At this point I'm willing to lose my relationship in order to "save" her. It makes me sad and angry that it's come down to this. I don't know what to do with TC and I don't know if I'm right in feeling this anger. I'm so confused and would appreciate any advice anyone can give.

Nothing Broken, Something Gained

2008-07-14T05:29:00.002-04:00

I didn't go to the hospital until Saturday around 1pm. I really thought that the swelling would go down and everything would be right as rain on its own. No such luck. In fact, overnight my toes swelled back up to the size of bratwurst and I couldn't feel the tips at all. Lucky for me Mom still had her walker from when she had leg surgeries, that made getting around a lot easier for me. But it was hell getting down the damn stairs!

On our way to the hospital we stopped for lunch. Nothing beats the old time drive-ins like Sonic. Then headed in for the long wait at the ER. Of course there was one family that had to make it annoying for everyone else. Please explain to me why if Grandpa comes to the ER all the family has to come take up valuable and limited space in the waiting room? Typically this is with black families, not trying to be racist, merely making an observation. Anyway, as we're sitting there awaiting the torture that would come with x-rays, one member of this family kept making snide comments. Apparently he felt that everyone else was there for the joy of it and that NO ONE deserved to be treated before his ailing grandfather. Everyone in the free world knows that it's in the order of severity and that wait time varies depending on time of day, day of the week and how many doctors are working the ER. I couldn't help myself but laugh at how ignorant this guy made himself and his family appear. Yeah, one bad apple can spoil the entire bunch!

After a short while I was called back to begin my session in pain. The x-ray machine was wheeled in and R was asked to step out to avoid radiation therapy. They bent my foot one way then the other and all I wanted to do was kick the girl in the face with my good foot while hiding the tears in my eyes. I know it's their job, but DAMN! does it have to hurt so bad just getting the pictures of the insides taken? After that we waited for the film to come back and be put on the computer. "Dr. Handsome" showed up and made a guest appearance only to reveal that it was NOT broken, but severely sprained and would remain swollen and sore for more or less a week. He said there was nothing to do except put an air splint on it and hobble around on crutches for a while. This should make the workday more humorous as I have to go up and down two flights of stairs. Then the meds came in... two percosets and an 800mg Ibuprofen. Once this kicked in I was pain free but entirely wired! Yep, this stuff makes me speed my ass off and I couldn't sit still.

Needless to say, I opted for hanging out for a while instead of going straight home. R and I headed for the mall. Good place considering I was suppose to stay off the foot and have it elevated! Thankfully R is understanding and allowed us to go at my pace. And I made him extremely happy. I found a great pair of shoes and allowed him to buy them for me. Then we travelled down the way to Bath & Body Works and I allowed the purchase of a few "spoil me" items. It's amazing how having him spend money on me delighted him. After three years I figured it was time to just let it happen. (However, I did feel bad that he insisted on paying the $150 co-pay at the ER.) We did have fun though. We talked and laughed and just were content being by ourselves, without kids, and taking our time exploring the stores that we love.

On our way home we stopped to get some dinner. Once home I doped up and parked my big butt on the sofa and watched television and read. I figured it was about time to do what the doctor ordered. I was happy to be off my foot and without the crutches jammed under my pits. Did I say that I hate those things? You'd think after all these years they'd make the hand grips and underarm parts a bit more comfortable or at least not smell like old tires.

Sunday we went to Walmart to fill the prescriptions and to pick up a few things for R's lunches and to make home-made salsa. R bought me a food processor a few weeks back and I'd been wanting to use it ever since I took it out the box. So, I opted for tomatillo salsa. I bought everything I needed and hoped for the best. I doped up to avoid the pain of standing and proceded to husk, core and cut my tomatillos. I added in my onion, peppers (from our garden), lime juice, cilantro and all the other goodies that we needed. I was concerned on two accounts... (1) I'd never made it before and (2) I was going to can what we didn't eat. Both of these things foreign to me I was determined to do my best. The salsa tasted great! I had pulled it off. It wasn't as spicy as I'd have liked, but it did the trick. And as for the canning process, it was a small trial run, but was VERY successful. I was so proud of myself. So, we snacked a bit after dinner, had dessert and then got ready for bed.

All in all it was a good weekend. I got the stress of the bankruptcy out of the way and have accepted that is merely my lot right now. I figured out that CM and I are on our own when it comes to her weight issues basically. I also found out just how caring and concerned R is for me and how much he needs to feel needed sometimes. I mean he did everything for me. Bringing my food and drinks to me, helping me around the house and then spending some money for something I alone wanted for myself made him feel completely needed and loved. Crazy how that works! He really is good to me, better than anyone I've ever been with and I can't imagine a single day without him in my life. I realized more clearly that I do need him in more ways than I originally thought. I needed to be taken care of and I allowed him to be the one to do it... it felt good!

And now to take a rest before getting ready for the daily grind. Hope everyone has a great day and finds one thing that makes them smile. YOU DESERVE IT... smile coyly and let others wonder what's on your mind.

All great things must fall!

2008-07-12T11:08:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was filled with appointments. First, I had the wonderful meeting with the bankruptcy attorney. She reviewed all of my creditors that I would be listing on the petition, checked over my household bills and gas usage and stuff like that then she proceded to give me "the look". I'm talking about the "how in hell do you do it" look. She said, "Ms. M, you do realize that it cost you almost $250 more per month to live than you make?" I responded to her, "that's exactly why I'm sitting across from you now." She then went on to tell me that a Chapter 13 (repayment) isn't a feasible option and that Chapter 7 (complete) is the only way to go. She then instructed me as to what to do regarding my mortgage and stuff like that. I don't want to lose my home in all of this. Going into it, my attorney is aware that I want to keep my home regardless of what else happens.

Then after that we headed into Atlanta. CM's nephrologist is located on the Emory side of Little Five Points, so it's quite a drive from home. It takes well over an hour to get there from here, and that's with NO traffic. Lucky for us, we had plenty of time. The appointment went well but disappointing. CM has grown another 2 inches, but has gained (which I didn't think she had) another 6 pounds. We discussed eating habits and what we allow her to have and it's like the doctor doesn't believe us. Apparently she seems to think that we sit there and shovel in the peanut butter cups and soda hand over fist. We don't. Yeah, there are some things that we could do more stringently, but we don't want to take everything away from CM. Thing is, I don't have the money to buy all fresh fruits and vegetables and I can't afford special cuts of meat. I try to make do with what we can afford and that isn't always the healthiest choices.

Basically, the appointment ended with then nephrologist saying there is nothing else she can do to help us and that she only wants to do a check-up once a year. We can monitor her blood pressure with her pediatrician and contact her if we need adjustments on her meds. She also referred us to yet another doctor to see claiming she could help us with the weight issues. Truth is, unless this woman is going to donate some of her paycheck to us, then the advice won't help. I know that CM needs to get more active and that we need to eat more fresh foods, but until the high gas prices go down and food prices drop back to where they were in January, it won't happen. It isn't that I don't want CM to be healthier, but I just don't have the money for it.

On our way home I called the PG ("paternal grandmother") to see if it was still ok to drop CM off for a overnight visit. She said yes and that's the direction we took. I was overzealous and thought it would be a good idea. It was a break in the "relationship" with her sister and grandmother. I didn't stop to consider the fact CM saw them for the first time in two years yesterday and would freak out at bedtime. Assumptions make an ass out of people and it did me too. I got home, got settled (which was hard to do, but elaborate on that in a minute) and then got the call that she was freaking out and needed to be picked up. Now, this isn't a minor drive either. It's around 45 minutes each way.

Needless to say I started to head out the door when R got an attitude. He said that I should MAKE CM stay there the entire night since that's what I told her in the first place. He said I didn't need to run go save her and just make her deal with her decision. I got angry, very angry. She's four years old, she hasn't seen these people in two years and she's panicked... YEAH, I'M GONNA LEAVE HER! I asked would he do that with TC, he said yes he would. I redesigned the question and said, "you'd leave him, at four years old, not ten, with people he hasn't seen in two years?" He got quiet for a minute. I said it would be different if she were older and understood why I was MAKING her stay, but she doesn't and I wasn't doing that. So, I said stay here if you want, but I'm going to get her. He got angry and quiet, but got in the car anyway. The ride was miserable. Not more than ten words were said between us the whole way there and back. However, CM was so happy and relieved when the door was opened and she saw R there to get her. She was happy to be coming home.

Now to tell you all why things seemed so difficult yesterday. I'm a clutz, BIG TIME! We were leaving the house at 8:30am and I fall down the stairs. Now this doesn't seem all that fantastic except for the fact that I sprained, strained, twisted or broke my ankle. It began to swell instantly. I could feel the heat pulsing through it. I wanted to cuss, scream and cry, but instead I just hobbled to the car and started the day. Got to the attorney's office only to find there were steep stairs to go up and down. Then back into the car to get stiff and settled for an hour. I got the doctor's office and hobbled in on my own accord, broke down crying because it hurt so damn bad, had to be wheeled out in a wheelchair and then managed to get home. R had to help me up the stairs and I laid on the sofa and cried until the medicine offered some relief. It was miserable and that is the other reason why R didn't think I should leave the house. I ended up sleeping on the sofa with R in the recliner across the room from me. He refused to leave me alone... yep, that means he really loves me!

Now this morning, I have to decide whether or not to go to the ER to have this swollen atrocity checked out. I'm afraid that if I go there will be nothing wrong and it'll be wasted money, but equally afraid that if I don't go something IS wrong and it won't heal properly. I hate ERs and I hate the idea of a cast, crutches and going up the two flights of stairs on Monday morning for work. Oh well, guess I'm off to hobble through the rest of my day. Hope everyone else is doing better and enjoying their weekend.

Drinks, Fireworks and a Good Life

2008-07-11T06:00:00.003-04:00

We had spent all week talking to everyone confirming that the plan was to have a cook-out, drinks and fireworks at our house. No one would have to worry about a designated driver or getting fined for shooting off the explosives. It was set, we were going to have several couples there along with some single friends and all the kiddos. Everyone had said they were making it no matter what. Even the elusive friend who's recently met a woman who doesn't believe in friendships travelling beyond her was going to show up. Anyway, the day of we find out that one couple couldn't come because the dog was acting crazy, one single got sick all of a sudden, one said she didn't feel well (but I think that was total BS) and then the elusive friend and girlfriend didn't make it either. What started out as being a big blow out turned out to be somewhat quiant with only a handful of people. Luckily it evened out for both me and R to have someone we really wanted to talk and goof with.

As for the kids, well they had a blast. All of them played for hours before it finally got dark. They squealed with laughter, ran like banshees and just exhausted themselves. I love it when that happens. All the while, we enjoyed burgers and dogs and more than a few apple martinis... that's my new love! Got to change it up from the traditional Evan Williams (green label) and coke. I played bartender, which is really dangerous since I mix strong. People have the innate ability to trust my alcohol dispensing abilities far more than they should. Thing is, when I drink I like to reach the comfortable numb, so I think everyone else does too.

R had the time of his life with his friend Dave that showed up. They talked about work, the union, the yard and house and everything else they could possible think of. It was good to see R having a good time and really enjoying the get-together in spite of most of the folks bailing out at the last damn minute (can you hear the aggitation in my voice?). When it got good and dark, we drug everyone out onto the front porch, pulled the water hose around the house and began the festivities. I bet we shot off about 100 fireworks. R had been stockpiling them for almost a year and they weren't the duds you buy at the local Walmart here in Georgia. Oh no no, these bad boys were the good ones from Alabama and South Carolina. They packed the punch and reminded us of how things use to be when we were kids. The best part was the ones that went a bit crazy. One roman candle sent a fiery ball towards my friend and damn near went up her dress. I laughed like a woman who forgot to take her meds. I swear I almost peed myself on that one. Then there was one that "chased" TC and another that danced right at Dave's feet for a minute before deciding to go upward. Then there was the smoke bomb that damn near evacuated the entire street. This thing wouldn't stop smoking even after we pumped about 10 gallons of water into/on it. UGH! and it smelled like rotten eggs... lovely to mix with the taste of my apple martini (#3, by that time).

Finally around 12:30, (yeah, I know early for most of the youngsters) I had reached my comfortable numb and was relaxing on the sofa watching the kids play video games. They were bouncing around like wild pygmies and I adored the sound of them all getting along so well. Then it happened... that sweet wave of heat and nausea. (SARCASM!) I knew that I had had one too many and needed to call it a night before my intestines did it for me. Lucky for me everyone was on the verge of calling it a night too, so I didn't feel so bad announcing that I was going to bed. I shook Dave's hand and told him that I expected him back sometime and had enjoyed his company, I told my friends that I loved them for coming over and that I hoped they had fun and then I kissed the kids and R and headed my happy, comfortable numb, almost sick ass to bed. Not sure if I even recall making it to my side of the bed, but the sleep was good!

The weekend was good. None of the kids had meltdowns or attitudes and we enjoyed some quiet "family time" over dinner out. Everyone laughed and joked and I felt good about everything again. I suppose allowing each person to find their way in this relationship is key. Being patient has never been one of my virtues, but this time it's essential to making it good and lasting. TC had a good time, CM loved his company and I didn't find myself on the verge of killing either one of them. And if you've read anything of late you know this is quite the feat for us. It was good to have a weekend that wasn't filled with pouting, brattiness or hateful, hurtful comments. I realized again just why I love our "family".

The week has been relatively uneventful. Nothing much changes around these parts. Wednesday I did get greeted at the door with some feverish lovemaking. R and I don't get the house to ourselves all that often, and since Mom and CM had gone to church, we took advantage... or should I say R took advantage! When I walked in the door he greeted me with strong kisses and the undoing of my shorts. Right then and there he took me just the way he wanted me and Damn! that made me feel sexy! It was one of those moments that was seized for all the right reasons. I was forced to see just how attractive and desirable R thinks I am. This is something he'd been thinking of all day and had acted it out without question or qualms. The rest of the night we spent looking coyly at each other and giggling like teenagers for what we hadn't got caught doing. Yeah baby, romance at its best!

And what made Wednesday even more exhilerating is the fact R brought up marriage again. He asks simple questions that let me know that it does and has crossed his mind more than once. He asked if anything would change between us and would I be happy NOT having the big honking wallet busting wedding. By now he should know that it's not important how it's done, but that I do anticipate it happening eventually. As for changes, nothing should have to change from the way we are now and I don't want it to. I mean this is the way I fell in love with him, we have a life together and I'm happy... why rock the boat? The only things that I'd see that would be different is my last name and the possibility of CM referring to him as "dad"; other than that... it's life as usual. I may be jumping the gun here, but I'd say we'll probably be married before the end of the year. I know it's presumptuous, but I really believe he's gearing up to ask. And to be honest, I'm ready to make that leap of faith with him. I have no doubts that he's the one I want to be with until I have no breath left in me. He's the ending point in my relationship destination, where we go from here I want to be together. I think he knows this, feels the same and is ready too.

Now today, I have to go to the attorney, file my bankruptcy (which I hate doing, but have no choice) and then take my baby girl to see the nephrologist for her check-up. I know that won't be good because she's still a little chunk, but I don't think she's gained anything. That is good in itself because grandma spoils her with food. (That's another gripe altogether.) After her appointment I will be dropping her off with her paternal grandmother and sister for a sleep-over. This will be her first time away from home overnight and I'm hoping that it goes well. She spent yesterday with her dad (big shock there, he actually showed up) and he took her to visit with them. I think it was moreso to save him from actually taking care of her, but either way she enjoyed herself. He actually spent some money on her as well. He bought her a few shirts for school, a backpack and a couple pairs of shoes. I was impressed that he actually did it and it only took me asking once. Perhaps he's really worried about R taking his place and is now going to step up to where he needs to be in CM's life. I just hope, for her sake, that he becomes more consistent and this isn't just a fluke type thing. She needs that love and acceptance and even though R is here, it's not the same as getting it from her REAL dad.

Well, I think that's about it for now. Not very exciting I know, but that's life. I'm off now to pout while getting dressed and ready to go. Like I said, I hate knowing that I've gotten myself into this financial situation, but had little control really. When the inflation of gas and groceries hit it hit me hard. I went from $90 every two weeks for gas to $150 and from $150 every two weeks for groceries to $180+. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it all adds up and when you're already running thin, thin goes to nothing quickly. And considering I asked for a pay raise a while back or to go to a 4 day work week and got denied on both accounts, I'd say I've done fairly well to keep going as long as I have. Robbing Peter to pay Paul is rough on the mind, I mean Peter eventually wants all his money in full too. Enough griping... time to get some clothes on and head out for another day in paradise.

Have a wonderful day!

I'm Still Around

2008-06-30T05:15:00.002-04:00

I know that it's been a long time since I've posted and I have no real excuse other than I've been too lazy (and caught up playing PackRat, thanks Bec!) to be on here. I suppose another part of it is the fact that I don't always like to reflect on what is happening inside of me and my storm raging head. I'm extremely happy that R has finally moved in and is considering my home his home. I'm elated that things seem to be working out like they are suppose to on that front, but that doesn't stop the neurosis from setting in and filling the good moments with an equal number of bad moments filled with fear, anxiety and doubt. I'm the type of thinker that if something is too good to be true, than it usually is... and that's the situation here to a "T".

CM is adjusting well to having R here with us all the time. In fact, I'd say she's growing so comfortable with it that the possible transition of R going from "just R" to "daddy" wouldn't be a huge jump for her. She rarely, if ever, talks about her own dad anymore and when he does happen to make a phone call this way, she doesn't have much to say to him. As far as visiting, she never even considers it. It's like she's reconciled that he's not around and that R is and that is as close as she's going to come to having a "father" around. Over Father's Day she insisted that I buy R something from her, but NEVER mentioned buying for V. I would say that this makes me sad, but instead I'm happy that she has him in her life to look to in that regard. V created this problem and I refuse to lie for him to make it easier. If he wants a relationship with CM at this time, he'll have to work awfully hard to achieve it.

As for me personally, I can honestly say that it's a roller coaster ride right now. I was so stupid to believe that I had found a good, reputable company to handle debt management for me again. I signed the contract, began having debits from my checking account and thought I was on my way to making things better only to discover that this company is total bullshit! FREEDOM DEBT SOLUTIONS, LLC based out of Euless, Texas is a totally bogus company. Yep, they are registered with the Texas Secretary of State, but they do NOT have a bond or license to practice debt management on file anywhere. (Checking into it late didn't help me, but I'm passing it on now to others!) Anyway, they've drafted my account since January and I figured I was making progress, last week I was proven wrong. I was served with papers on two of my accounts. I'm being sued!!! You can imagine I dumped this company ASAP and am scrambling to figure something else out. I have an appointment with a reputable credit counseling group, but not sure they can help with the existing law suit matter. I may have no choice but to file bankruptcy again and pray that I've learned my lesson this time around.

Emotionally, I'm travelling at warp speeds on this horrific amusement park ride that has no end in sight. I'm so happy with some aspects and so totally lost in others. A comment was made to me yesterday that triggered all kinds of emotional scars to be opened back up. R didn't say it to be mean or hateful, but the feelings of "not enough" came rushing back. I was crushed under the weight of trying to adapt to be what most women naturally are. Standing in the soap aisle at Walmart he simply said, "you should buy womanly things". This doesn't sound bad to some, just a mere observation that I do not spend the additional money on "woman" specific products. We all know they cost more than the general scents and being a single mother I've learned to make sacrifices a penny at a time to provide for my family. Anyway, all of a sudden I felt more like an anomoly... woman in body, but no other way. When he questioned it more I felt my defenses increase and I became a total bitch about it. He doesn't understand I've done without for so long that I no longer have the capacity to think of myself and things that I want, not even the simple things like make-up and shampoo. I buy necessity and think very little about the "simple indulgences" that make women appear to be more feminine.

I know that it's neurotic on my part to feel this defensive about something so trivial, but it goes deeper than that. I've lived self-sufficiently for so long that it's extremely hard for me to allow someone to come in and take the reigns on some stuff so that I can indulge in more for myself. I don't know how to think in concepts of me and my wants because CM's needs are always the forefront followed by my mother's. He insist that I'm not doing it alone anymore and that he's here if I splurge. I know that he is; however, I do not want to get comfortable with that notion or adapt to that way of thinking so much so that he wakes one morning and feels that I've taken advantage of him and his financial abilities to provide more. I want him to realize that it's not that I don't want, it's that I can't allow it. Something inside of me won't allow the guard to fall completely down. I have to provide, I have to sacrifice, I have to be stronger... it's what has kept me going this far and without it, I'm not sure I can function at 100%.

Other than that, I'd say life is going fairly well. We're still having issue with TC, his son, but I think that will all work itself out in the end. I believe sooner or later he'll grow to accept that his dad has chosen to continue this relationship with me and that it's easier to adapt than overcome. Plus, I'm hoping he'll see that CM and I love him very much and want him in our family just as much as we do R. I won't push to be a mother figure, but I will push for respect. I won't make him love me, but I will show that I love him. I think the key is to just allow him to work through his fears and anxieties and stand by so when he's ready to lean this way he won't fall on his face. Yep, I'd say that in spite of the financial faux pas and the fears that rage through me, life is looking pretty damn good!

Until next time.... I'm still around.

Looking Forward with Plans

2008-05-21T16:47:00.002-04:00

I suppose that's a bit misleading, but I do have ideas about where I want things to go. First off, I have got to get more serious about the weight issues. I need to stop pretending that I'm doing all I can do in order to make this happen. Truth is, I'm a slack-ass, whiner who's putting off the hard work. The doctor actually asked me if I'd considered gastric bypass surgery during my last visit. This is the big sign..."YOU'RE ASS IS TOO FAT... DO SOMETHING!" And in talking to my best friend of 20 years, I found out that I don't have to do it alone. She's willing to hold me accountable while being accountable to me to a certain extent. This is good... NO THIS IS FREAKIN' GREAT! I hate feeling so alone in the battle, finally I have a "running" partner that's local and can help me.

Then there are the hopes in my private life. I'm so excited knowing that R will be moving in and have gotten more relaxed with it all. My constant what-if mentality has quieted enough for me to actually enjoy the idea of it. With that also comes the on again, off again idea of whether or not I really want to be married. The answer today is yes, yes I would like to think we can make it to that point. Not only for me, but for CM too. She wants that "family" thing and I want to give it to her with someone that I can't imagine living my life without. R is definitely the man to fill both positions of her "male role model" and my lifetime companion. Being in love is a glorious thing. Never really knew it before, but damn I've figured it out and I ain't never giving this up without a fight.

The summer will bring good days. I'm planning on learning to do more for myself, more for my daughter and attempt to give trust and faith to someone even when it scares the hell out of me. That's my one stumbling block, giving control to anyone for anything at all. R is strong enough to demand and carry it through, so I think I may just be okay with handing the reigns off on occasions. I'm also hoping for a trip or two, camping and maybe even a few late nights remembering what it feels like to be young. Youth is almost a memory in its entirety, but I refuse to believe laughter can't make you feel lighter and spriteful.

Yep, I think life is looking pretty damn sweet and I'd love to hear from those that drop by to read my drivel. Drop me a note and let me know what excites you about summer and what, if any, plans ya got! Get my brain working here, engage me!

MySpace

2008-05-21T16:39:00.002-04:00

It may be totally pathetic, but I have a page on MySpace. I got started by being "invited" by friends, most of which are way younger than I, to be their friends on there. Since then, I've added a handful or so more people. I do like the ability to log into one place and check what's happening with all my friends and family, but for the most part, NO ONE writes anything good in their blogs. Hell, I don't write all that much in mine! (LOL)

I guess I was just wondering if anyone else in Blogland had a MySpace and if they'd care to add me to their list. I like knowing who ventures to read my BS and this is one more way to do that. If interested... www.myspace.com/tinasmind

Faith vs. Religion

2008-05-20T15:33:00.003-04:00

Most people seem to think that faith and religion are one in the same, but I beg to differ. One is something that you have, the other is something you practice (see the definitions below).

FAITH: –noun

1.	confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.

2.	belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

3.	belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.

4.	belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.

5.	a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.

6.	the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.

7.	the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.

8.	Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.

—Idiom

9.	in faith, in truth; indeed: In faith, he is a fine lad.

RELIGION: –noun

1.	a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

2.	a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects: the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion.

3.	the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices: a world council of religions.

4.	the life or state of a monk, nun, etc.: to enter religion.

5.	the practice of religious beliefs; ritual observance of faith.

6.	something one believes in and follows devotedly; a point or matter of ethics or conscience: to make a religion of fighting prejudice.

7.	religions, Archaic. religious rites.

8.	Archaic. strict faithfulness; devotion: a religion to one's vow.

—Idiom

get religion, Informal.

a.	to acquire a deep conviction of the validity of religious beliefs and practices.

b.	to resolve to mend one's errant ways: The company got religion and stopped making dangerous products.

Now that we've got the definitive definitions in order and fresh in your mind, I can begin my thoughts. I was raised predominantly Catholic with a "minor" in Pentecostal, but had experiences with numerous religions over the years by attending with various friends. Each church has their own guidelines and beliefs to follow, but two things remain the same: (1) Each group thinks they have it all figured out and offer "true" salvation and (2) they all want your money. Other than that, it's merely accepting their ideas of right and wrong.

The point I'm trying to get to here is, why are folks so worried about you attending a specific church or not attending at all? I've been asked so many times since I've decided to stop going again. The truth of it is, I have great faith in God. I understand because of Him there is everything including another day of living this life. I'm thankful for what I have, pray for those who have less and ask for daily forgiveness. I pray quietly, sincerely anywhere and everywhere that I feel the impulse or need to. My failure to walk through a set of doors and follow a sanctioned religion has no bearing on my faith. In fact, I feel better NOT attending a particular denomination. This way I have no feelings of hypocrisy plaguing me.

That is exactly why I left both religions that I attended growing up. We all know that the Catholic religion has become tarnished beyond belief. Not only did this "religion" cover-up their discretions, but it denied the damage it had done to children... INNOCENT CHILDREN! I couldn't attend mass without thinking about this one thing over and over again. I mean instead of excommunicating the priest that were caught, they simply shipped them off to a host of fresh children to exploit and violate. Yeah, I can stand behind that! Then there is the issue of confession. I can't believe that a man of flesh and blood can be the mediator between me and God where my sins are concerned. How can he tell me exactly how many prayers to say for me to receive absolution?

The list is endless, but I'll stop there and go to the Pentecost. I felt like a liar every time I attended service. I knew that the pastor wasn't living up to what he preached from the pulpit and I knew that I was trying to conform to beliefs that I didn't accept completely. I don't believe that God cares what we look like or how we dress. I also don't believe that Pentecost are the only ones who will be saved. And I certainly don't believe women are inferior to men in any way, shape, form or fashion. By attending that church, I felt like I was disrespecting God by pretending to be something I wasn't. Praying by their guidelines felt empty and fake to me, and I couldn't do it. So, I opted to leave the "RELIGIONS" in search of my own faith.

I'm happy to say that I've found it. I read my Bible sometimes, I ask tons of questions to many people and I pray like a sinner. Yep, I said "like a sinner", because that's the most sincere way to pray. It's having a heart that is fearful of God, but filled with love, respect and the want to be better. I go to my knees, sit in my car or lay in my bed talking to God like He's truly my "Father" and ask for guidance, forgiveness and peace of mind. I thank Him for all I have in my life and show humbleness in my humanity when I admit that I've fallen on my face before Him in one way or another again. Somewhere along the way, I've managed to instill a strong, unfaltering belief in my daughter. She's four and has more faith than I may ever possess and she's more sincere and honest than any preacher, priest, minister or other "holy" man has ever been found to be.

All in all, I think it's way more important to find faith in God instead of following a Religion formed and filled with the self-righteous. Remember those that announce often and loudly that they are "Christians" or are "saved" typically have the most to hide. I stand proud to those around me and drop humbly to God... yep, I think faith has won this battle in me.

As Time Passes

2008-05-19T14:40:00.002-04:00

It's amazing how quickly the time passes. I could have sworn it wasn't this long ago since I posted on here. And it hasn't been for lack of topics, it's just sheer laziness. I suppose I figure it's all going to jump straight from my head to my blog without any effort on my part. Silly girl, blogs are for typists! Anyway, I'm finally here again and I'm going to give the latest and greatest.

First off, we had TC's birthday. I was so excited. R and I went together to pick him out a guitar and stuff for him to begin learning to play. I figured it was something he'd show real enthusiasm about. CM had to buy her own gift for him and she chose 2 Ben 10 figures and a "boyish" bag to put them in. She also picked out the birthday card and told me what it should say. R made a great strawberry cake, really pretty to look at and smelled wonderful. (I did good, I resisted temptation!) It wasn't a big party, but he did have a couple of friends over and his mom was there too. R went to go get him from the bedroom, made him cover his eyes and led him into the dining room. We all sang "Happy Birthday" and he opened his eyes.... there was NOTHING! He wasn't excited in the least about anything he got. He was barely audible when he said thank you and rushed to get back to his video games. I admit that I was a bit ticked about it and truly felt like taking everything I had bought back to the damn store. I know he was preoccupied with his pals, but even they showed more excitement than he did.

The really good part of the day was N, TC's mom, being there. I had doubts that she'd actually make an appearance, but was pleased she did. I won't say we have a great relationship, but it's civil. We speak and laugh with each other pretty easy, although I get the feeling some of it is "pretend" on her part. Anyway, we all visited and had cake. When it came time to go I asked if N wanted to ride with us. She was ready to leave and I like making R nervous, so it worked out well. He stole a kiss from me while she was in the bathroom and then walked us out to the car. I was a bit put-off by that, but understand he's trying to keep things peaceful. So, he saw us off and probably sweated bullets until I called to tell him that we hadn't had a knock-down-drag-out. I was hoping to have something substantial said, but it was all idle chit-chat about her pregnany (which she loves to talk about) and her boyfriend's rate of pay (her favorite subject). All in all, it wasn't a half bad day.

Then the weekend following that, we took a trip to North Carolina. It was for his father's family reunion so I opted to leave CM at home. She doesn't do well with a lot of new people and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Plus, this was my first meeting too and was unsure about how they'd take to me. The drive up was good. TC slept most of the way, E (R's brother) was a laugh riot and the rental vehicle was so comfortable. We stopped and checked out a few places along the way, but mostly we just talked and goofed off. When we got there the boys made me go in the door first. I met Mr. M and he seemed nice enough, but I knew that didn't mean he liked me. After visiting for a short time at his house he asked us to join him, and a few other family members, for dinner at a local seafood restaurant. Again, the conversation came very easy and the food was fantastic.

After dinner we all went back to Mr. M's house and visited a little while longer. R and I knew that he didn't condone sleeping together unmarried and we planned on getting a hotel room. As the evening wore on we asked where the closest hotel was. Mr. M said that even though he didn't condone it, he'd let us sleep in the front bedroom because he wanted us there with him. Yep, I was liked and liked well by that one decision alone. R and E's jaws hit the floor. They couldn't believe that I had won him over like that. Truth is, I think he just wanted R there with him considering it had been 20 years or so since he'd made the trip to North Carolina (long story). Either way, I felt accepted and that was good.

I know some are wondering about the "long story" so I'll divulge. R comes from a southern family that believes interracial relationships are a no-no. With that being said, Mr. M was always respectful to N when he'd visit, but he didn't care for it being in his home. So, R didn't attempt to push the issue and respected his dad enough not to shove it down his throat. Now this doesn't mean that Mr. M was ever hateful or "prejudice" in the strongest sense of the word, it's simply he doesn't believe in interracial marriages or having "mixed" children. As I said, he was always kind and respectful of R's choses. I think he was somewhat relieved to see that R's new girlfriend was of the caucasion persuasion. Hopefully that's not my only selling point!

The next day I did a bad thing! I woke up and began "playing" with R. I knew he was paranoid about getting caught, but that was part of the fun of it. I had no choice but to take advantage of him in his father's home! And when I had finished with him, I slipped out of the room and said my good mornings and made my way to the bathroom to get the first shower (and to brush my teeth, got to do that quickly after ya know!). Then I had an opportunity to visit while R and the rest of the family took theirs. I had coffee and discussed life with Mr. M and he prepared me for the reunion we were about to attend. He simply said don't worry about anyone cause I was okay in his book and that's all that mattered. Again, I smiled knowing I had made a good impression.

The reunion was a big event. There were at least a hundred people there. There was tons of food and the weather was perfect. Upon entering everyone had to sign a guestbook and make a name tag. We were hesitant, but finally submitted to the horror of it. R made his out and then smile when he wrote mine. I said simply put Tina and let it go at that. Mr. M then said it should have read, "Tina (hoping to be Mitchell)". Yeah, he's funny that way. And on more than one occasion, when introducing me, R almost made the mistake of saying "wife". It was really too funny, but I had a great time. The only downfall of it was S, E's daughter. She's 22 years old and she has the mentality of a child sometimes. She has seizures and wanted to be outdoors playing with the kids. Her father said she'd have a seizure in the heat and that she had no business playing with the kids anyway. This offended her terribly and so, she sulled up and pouted the rest of the day. It was bad enough that she went to the hot van and insisted on sitting in there with no windows open. R went back and told E and E came unglued. Needless to say they had another, bigger, feud after we got back to the house.

The next morning when we woke up, R decided to get me back by "playing" with me. What he didn't realize is that I have NO SHAME! Nope, he thought he'd take me about halfway there and then leave me hanging... OH NO BUBBLE BOY! In return I began playing too and before he knew it I was getting my way. I believe it was the most quiet sex I have ever had in my entire life. But it was so worth the silence. Knowing he'd have no choice but to leave that bedroom and face his dad knowing what we had just done in his front bedroom was priceless. It was our own personal secret that kept us smiling the entire day because I'd sing-song, "I made you do bad things in your daddy's house!" The boys made breakfast while I had coffee and chatted. We all had our meal together and then I offered to clean up while they visited and got ready to go.

Our drive back was good, but somewhat stressful. S was still acting like a spoiled brat. You couldn't talk to her, she wouldn't respond. Honestly, she'd look at you like your face was melting, but not mutter a word. It was so aggravating that I wanted to tell her to grow the fuck up, but opted to keeping my big mouth shut. All in all it was a good trip. Mr. M invited us back soon and said that he really liked me. I know R enjoyed the visit and I have no doubt that we will in fact make it back before too long. The next trip up will include CM because it will be just to visit Mr. M, not a big function. Plus, if things keep going this way, it'll be important for her to know her extended family.

Which brings me to the next point. R will be moving in the beginning of June! I am so freakin' excited and scared that I can hardle see straight. I'm so ready for this. I have finally figured out what the hoopla is about being loved by someone. He is so good to me and makes me so incredibly happy. He's affectionate and honest and it's just an amazing thing. Everything I've had before is so sad in comparison to what I have now. Not that we're planning a wedding or anything, but I do foresee us being together for a long, long time. In fact, I can't imagine a day of my life without him in it. He's has become my best friend and so much more over the last few months. I've never needed someone like I do him, and allowing my weaknesses show has turned out to be NOT such a bad thing. It's okay not to be perfect, he loves me unconditionally.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have to go home and play with my baby girl. I'll be back soon, maybe even tomorrow, to drop more out there. Love to all!

The Randomness of Life

2008-03-24T11:58:00.003-04:00

Weird Comments & Graphics

There isn't a quiet moment inside my head. Even while I sleep I toss around ideas that make my dreams muddled and confusing. I'm randomly contemplating about half a dozen things at any given moment. It's so stressful and yet comforting to me. I suppose I've been this way for so long that the effect is rarely overwhelming. I do believe that the constant "motion" of my brain is key to the depression, anxiety and fears that I am plagued with. Quite certain that I should be under the care of a medical professional for this, but I refuse to wear a label.

I'm in love... madly, crazy, deep in love and I finally feel that it's being given back to me with the same ferocity. R is an amazing man. Being with him makes me feel so incredibly alive, sexy, feminine, intelligent and beautiful. As cliche as it may be, I'm more complete when I'm near him. When I try to pick myself apart he gently reminds me of all the things he sees when he looks at me and all the things I do that I can't recognize as accomplishments. He cradles me in a warm blanket of attention, respect and encouragement. Honestly, I'm not sure it could get any better than this. Our relationship was forged out of friendship and has blossomed with a passion that is indescribable. However, life is never perfect!

There are those daunting fears that surround everything I embark on. The great "what ifs" that won't leave well enough alone and feed my insecurities and vulnerabilities. We've discussed living together when the school year ends to the point where we've made the decision it is going to definitely happen. I should be happy, and I am anxious, but I also fear things will go horribly wrong and he'll leave and nothing will be salvaged. On rare occasions R will discuss his ex and I realize how much they had in common and how different we are in comparison. Then the question pops up, "if they could drift apart while sharing so many interests, how can it possibly last between us and our differences?" I also glance into the mirror and wonder how the hell he could leave what he had and be with someone like me afterwards? She is a beautiful woman and I'm nothing more than mediocre at best. Nothing about me screams for attention, nothing demands the glances of men or the comments of women, but he's here for some reason and I fear whatever he sees now will disappear and he'll wake to the real me and be disappointed.

As if all the personal issue fears weren't enough to make me nuts, there are issues with the kids too. CM loves R and wouldn't need much to see him as "daddy" (if she doesn't already). She wants that relationship so badly, but has no idea how to attain it, so she often shies away. There are moments when you can see she wants to hug or be close to him, but she doesn't know the boundaries and I feel pushy if I mention it to R. He's really perceptive, but I think he fears rejection from her as well. It's a strained situation and his son, TC, doesn't help matters. He's quick to remind CM that R is HIS dad and not hers and that he loves him and not her. I understand his desire to stand his ground and keep a hold of his father, but does he really have to rub her nose in it so often? It's like he gets a thrill in letting her know that he has both his mother and father in his life while all she has is me. Her feelings get hurt and I get angry and I'm not sure how to broach this subject with R without sounding like I'm nagging on TC. Take all that and then add in a dose of sharing issues and it can get pretty rough sometimes.

I'm also having issues with allowing R to help me. I use to push it off because we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend, but now I can't use that excuse. It drives him crazy that I refuse to come to him when I need something or allow him to pay for everything when we go out. He was raised with the old-fashioned beliefs that a man pays or doesn't take someone out. I understand this, respect it, but cannot follow through with it. I have to feel like I'm contributing something. His response is that I am, my company is contribution enough. (Yeah, he's sickening sweet like that sometimes! LOL) Anyway, I've found myself in a bad way financially and instead of discussing it with him, I turned to my sister and her boyfriend for help. He takes it as a bit of a jab, but that isn't my intent. Actually, it's just the opposite. I want him to know that I don't see him as a paycheck. I don't want to be rescued by him, just loved, and love shouldn't cost! It's a weird thing about me. I've done it alone for so long (since I was 15) that I don't know how to allow someone else to help me. I don't know how to open that door and allow him to see my mistakes and vulnerability. When something like this happens he shakes his head and says "when I move in it will all get better", but even that doesn't make it easier to let him in to that area of my life.

I did manage to figure something out that has been troubling me for some time. I have many friends who do not work, but rely solely on their spouse/partner to make the living. For whatever reason works for them, they stay home. Now I know that often, when small children are involved, it's easier and more cost-effective for one parent to stay home. It eliminates the need for daycare and flexible schedules and it makes one parent/person available to be a "homemaker". This is fine well and good if the "homemaker" actually does the work at home. If one person is doing all the income providing then, in my opinion, the other person should take pride in keeping the house and providing hot meals and clean clothes and various other things without always whining about what the working partner doesn't do. It's a balance! One earns the living outside the home while the other maintains the home. The only justified complaint, in my book, in this situation, is if the working part of the couple doesn't help with or give time to the kids, then by all means bitch and bitch loudly.

Back to my revelation... I use to describe this in conversation with anger in my voice. I'd be mad that a woman could "use" a man so openly without any remorse. It pissed me off that I had to bust my ass to make a life and they could sit back and have everything they wanted and never have to punch a clock for it. I was hurt when they would mock me for working and not latching on to a man. Then it dawned on me that they weren't using (not like I thought anyway), but were comfortable entrusting their livelihoods to their husbands/boyfriends and the livelihoods of their children (often not the child of said boyfriend/husband). These women I know have the ability to trust that completely and, yet, somehow, I missed it when I was looking in. They all feel that they are so loved, desired and deserving that the man should be happy to provide a life and not expect more. How wonderful it must be to feel that good and secure about your relationship with someone else? I can't even begin to imagine trusting someone like that. I love R, but even with him I couldn't let my guard down to the point of losing everything if he decided to leave. (And that sentence shows just how my brain really ticks... the horrible what ifs are always there.)

Life is so confusing, it constantly changes and warps, wraps and engulfs us, but we never get any clearer on the definition of it or ourselves. I'm walking around, eyes wide shut, and fumbling to make some mark that shows I was here and that I had some comprehension as to my purpose. I rove through the woods and I can't find a path, nor do I trust myself to forge one of my own. I wait for something to show itself and when it does, I still can't believe. I fear that my hesitation and fears will send away the one person who's willing to walk in the darkness with me. I anticipate the hate my child will feel for not having all the things in life she wants. I dread the finalization of cremating my mother when she's left me alone. I smile, laugh and continuously pray that something, someone will break through the wall of what ifs and give me peace. I want to be that someone!

Camping

2008-03-05T17:41:00.001-05:00

Now most people think of camping as hiking to view picturesque sceneries, fishing in a clear lake, hunting in a dense wood or singing songs around a fire with marshmallows on a stick. Ours was something like that, but something all together different too!

Couple of weeks ago (yeah, I know, I'm behind again), we took the kids camping. This was CM's first experience, my first time in forever and the first time in a long time for R and TC too. We had checked, double checked and checked again the weather report before making the reservations. According to The Weather Channel it was going to rain on Friday until 12ish, clear up and be a decent night, Saturday was to be significantly warmer with NO rain and Sunday was set to be a repeat of Saturday. Did it happen that way? HELL NO!

First off, CM got carsick before we even got out of town good. I'm not mad at her for it, but it sure was gross and inconvenient. We had just finished up Krystal's and they all came back with a vengeance. I told R that she was getting sick to pull over. Apparently not being familiar with the rules of carsickness, he decides to proceed through the stop sign and attempt to pull into a gas station several hundred feet away. RULE 1: IF SOMEONE IS CARSICK PULL THE CAR OVER IMMEDIATELY! We didn't make it without the up-chucking of the entire kids meal. I got out of the car, went to get her out of the car and it got all over both of us. Luckily, I have no qualms about going into a public place covered in gut-retchings, taking a "whore bath" in their sink or changing our clothes while some lady does the pee-pee dance outside the door.

We get back on the road and all is right with the world. We're talking and the kids are chattering away. I think I've done exceptional in finding a place that doesn't require a million turns to get there. Yeah right!?! Their recorded directions said simply get off exit "X" turn left on Hwy "Z", go 50 miles to park entrance. Sounds wonderful right? Well they were fucking wrong!!!! We ended up having to start over on one occasion. Then to make matters worse, I apparently lost all ability to read directional arrows once we got close. I sent us further into the goose chase, but no one was angry but me, so I guess all was well.

Keep in mind it's raining the entire time. And not only is it raining, but the temperatures have dropped. We get to the campgrounds, check-in, buy some wood and head to the site. We get there and set the tent up close to the fire ring. We unload some of the food and stuff and proceed to cook hamburgers and hot dogs over the open flames. We make hot apple cider for the kids and coffee for us. By this time, we're all figuring out that the weather man lied like a cheap rug and that we're going to freeze our asses off. We make the most of it by making jokes and playing around the fire.

When we set the tent up we put a child on either side of the air mattress. We figured we'd be good once we settled in for the night. Nope, no such luck. First CM couldn't get warm and asked to cuddle with me. She slid under the blankets beside me and R was cuddled up to my back. An hour or so later, TC woke up and asked could he get in too. Here we were, the four bears snuggling up to keep warm. Sound good? No, you can't move when you have a four year old kicking you every time you twitch. Ugh! I don't think I got two hours the entire night. And to make it worse, the rains kept coming, the temps kept dropping.

Saturday morning we get up, make pancakes over the fire and decide we MUST find a Walmart for more supplies. We head into town and yep, there it is in all it's blue glory. We buy some charcoal, thermals for the kids and a couple of sweatshirts for them too. We decide to have lunch in town and then head back to camp. I leave R to do the manly thing and get the fire going while I do a load of laundry. The kids tag along behind me and play on the playground. It's bitter cold out and everything has that horrendous, damp, cold feeling to it. Our hands hurt, our faces were chapped, but we all smiled and tried to make the best of it. That night, we cleaned up and loaded the car with expectations of throwing in the tent early and heading home to warmth. We opted against separate sleeping and all piled onto the mattress. Two adults, two kids, two sleeping bags and two blankets should have stayed warm....NOPE!

Within a matter of a couple of hours the temps fell to the point of freezing the condensation inside the tent. R started to shake violently and I couldn't make CM warm regardless what I did. R went to start the car and get it warm. he came back got CM, then TC and then I joined with blankets and pillows. We ended up sleeping Saturday night (about 8 hrs) in the car. We would occasionally turn the car on and run the heat until everyone was toasty again. Luckily, the car held up without blowing up or overheating. Sunday we headed home as soon as the gates opened and we laughed about our weekend.

Gotta go for now, but will give more later... HUGS!

A Bad Day but a Good Life

2008-02-09T05:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a little rough for me. It marked the fourteen year anniversary of David's death. They say that time heals all wounds, but I'm beginning to think that's merely something said in way of comforting, not truth. Each year passes and I think I won't remember, but I do. In fact, I can recall the phone call almost word for word. The sound of my sister's voice when she said "Baby, let me talk to Mom". The look on my mom's face told me something horrible had happened and that I would be crushed. And I was! She told me that David was killed and I fell into some type of hysteria. Then I took the phone back and asked what happened and why. As my sister told me I felt my heart sink to the pit of my stomach and sour in the acid. In an instant I replayed every single day, word and gesture David and I had shared.

Considering the fact we had practically grown up together, there were many moments coming back to me. As children, we played and ran like fools through the house with adults telling us to stop misbehaving. As teenagers, we shared letters, cards and sentiments of loving each other while he was in a juvenile home. And as young adults, we found a laughter and confidence within our friendship and love that allowed us to give ourselves to each other. Then the words he'd always said hit me like a ton of bricks... "when I grow up, I'm going to marry her". That's when I thought for the first time that I'd never be loved like that again. David simply loved me for being me and thought that I was beautiful in all my flaws. He accepted without judgments or expectations and I did the same of him. It was as close to the perfect love affair I think I've ever known.... until now!

R and I are still going strong. Nothing has diminished or changed. In fact, I'm willing to say that things have actually gotten better in a lot of ways, if that's possible? We have a certainty about our relationship and where we want it to be. The tendernesses are out in the open and we fully acknowledge that we're "off the market" and perfectly okay with that. Our children not only adore each other, but they adore each of us as well. His son has taken to me and feels really comfortable being with me and in my house, even without R being here. CM loves them both too and is open to say it when they aren't in earshot. Things are falling into place to become a future, but that doesn't come without my neurotic fears.

I'm one of these people who believe that when something is overwhelmingly good, something tremendously bad will ensue. It's the "waiting for the shoe to drop" syndrome. I'm constantly playing the "what ifs" in my head and fearing the worst to be said or done. I try not to judge R on my past experiences, but those experiences still creep into my mind and cause me great anxiety. It's like the picture is made of water paints and I'm waiting for the rain to wash it away. Yet, at the same time, I'm hoping for everything to stay vibrant and whole. The thought of moving in together or getting married scares the hell out of me. I want it so badly, but something in me won't allow me to wrap around and embrace it as something good and positive. I suppose I want some guarantee that this is right and that I've finally found the person I'm meant to be with for the rest of my life, but we all know that isn't going to come. I mean it isn't like we send off for a warranty when we begin a relationship. Hell, at this point though, I'd settle for a fortune cookie that said, "Yep, this is the one, stay here and be happy!" At least if it failed, I could blame some idiot typing stupid lines in Kalamazoo for making me believe something that wasn't true.

One thought that keeps penetrating is the idea "I'm second choice". With V, CM's dad, he made it quite clear that I (and CM) were not what he planned for and really wanted. I was reminded often of how he "wanted" to marry M and that they had planned N to a certain degree. He told me about their relationship, her pregnancy and N's birth and how excited he was about all of it. All the while, he had no interest in really getting to know me or planning for our baby on the way. He'd talk about buying quilts, onesies and having murals painted on the walls for N, but when I'd ask his opinion about something for our child, he felt it was all a waste of time and energy. I should have known how it would all turn out simply by what he didn't do then. And I find that same agonizing idea creeping in about R. Should we move forward, will he drone on endlessly about what he had and not focus on what he has now? Will there be "room" for him to love us and possibly another child like he did her, her child from a previous relationship and their child together? Can he embrace the fact that relationship didn't work, not put it in the limelight and allow us to grow as a family without regrets? Damn!, I hate the what ifs that trickle in!

That brings me to a point that has really been plaguing me. When R got with N, she had a child. A wasn't even two then. R took her in and practically raised her for the past ten years as his own. He loves her like his own child without question, just the way he should have. However, I'm wondering if he'll be able to do that with CM. Yes, she has a father (or sperm donor), but he's absentee at best. She's made comments that he's a tard because he doesn't come to see her. She's expressed numerous times that her "family" consists of me, my mother, R and T, but rarely includes V. She loves R and it wouldn't take much at all for her to see him as her "daddy", but I'm not sure that's a good thing. I'd hate to move forward in this and R be accepting of CM as part of my package, but not REALLY love her. I'm not saying he should put her before his own child, or even A, but I do want her to have a solid place in his heart too. I don't want to see my child jilted simply because he doesn't have room for her. And the question most would ask is, "do you love T?" The answer is an an unequivacal YES! I do love T and I am proud when he's with us. I've already made room for him in my life, my thoughts and my heart. Without a ring on my hand, in ways, I already view him as my son too. Maybe that's why it's so important to me that R feel something along those same lines for CM. I want our family, if we become a family, to be strong in love in every dynamic.

I suppose it's senselss for me to keep playing the questions over and over in my head like a subliminal message trying to sink in. What is meant to be will happen and I can't control it either way. Right now, I'm enjoying the way things are. I've been fortunate enough to find a friend who's turned into the love of my life. We all know that doesn't come around all that often. And I will keep my mind and eyes open as much as I can to see and interpret the signs along the way. I'm stronger than the kid that got married at 21 and the woman who had a child at 28. I have learned the valuable ability to let go when it's bad and move on. So, if it turns that way, I'll be fine and if it moves forward, then I'll rejoice. Either way, I'm living a good life!

The Days Drag On

2008-01-24T13:50:00.001-05:00

Okay, I know I should be thankful that I still have my job to go to and that they are still giving me a paycheck at the end of every two weeks, but for the love of Pete, can I have a little work pushed my way? I have exhausted every single "work" option I have. I can't afford to be sent home, so I have to appear to be consistently busy. This is a harder act to pull than one might think. If you appear too busy, then they know you're faking. If you appear to purposely working slowly, again it gives you away. I'm damned either way.

And to make matters worse, the sinus thing from hell is back! I swear my immune system is for shit this year. And it isn't your typical sinus issues like a stuffy head or runny nose. Oh no, this is something altogether different. I have no drainage, nothing comes out when I blow, but my head feels like it's five times normal size. I'm on the hunt for something that gives relief because the over-the-counter stuff I've tried is doing nothing. It's like what they say they can "fix" isn't what is wrong with me. Just don't get it, but am hating it.

Over and above that, factor in the "constantly broke" syndrome I'm suffering from. Now I know this doesn't set me aside from every other working-class schmuck in America, but damn it! I want a cure for it. It's like I'm on a downward spiral that I didn't buy a ticket for. First I found out that my job is no longer as secure as I thought it was, then the Honda decides to have transmission problems, my roof is still leaking, the Taurus (the car I drive) needs some serious tire help and a major tune-up and oil change and we all could use a little entertainment just to get our minds off of everything going wrong.

I have a feeling I'm not the only rat in a cage when it comes to finances and everyone is feeling the crunch too. Thing is, I'm scared to death. I have no one to turn to, nothing to bounce on and no direction or game plan if it all goes to shit. Plain and simple, if I lose my job and can't find another within days, I lose my house and have no choice but to move back to Louisiana and beg from family there. Of course R says that will NEVER happen and that he'd pay the mortgage if he had to, but I don't want him to have to. I'd rather eat dirt and sleep in a culvert than take a hand-out from him.

And yes, he's my boyfriend now and I should allow him to help... yadda, yadda, yadda, but I just can't do it. I can't give up that much control and show that much weakness and ask. Something in me just won't let it happen. I'd rather fail on my own accord than succeed by someone else's sweat. I'm so freaking odd when it comes to matters like this. I mean if I were either of my sisters I'd have my hand out so quick my wrist would snap. And R hates that I won't ask. He likes that I'm strong and independent, but he wishes I'd feel comfortable enough to ask. I don't think it's a comfort with him issue as much as a weakness/vulnerable issue for me. I have done everything on my own since I was 15 years old and I just can't seem to get around the idea that I'm always suppose to do things on my own. I'm smart, resourceful and able... I should be able to figure it out all on my own.

Oh well, it's another day in the life and I'll figure it all out. I know R won't let me fail, I know that I'll figure out a lot on my own and the rest God will have to show me about. Hope everyone else is having a great day!

Deep into the New Year

2008-01-23T15:38:00.001-05:00

I can't even begin to say how big of a loser I am for not keeping up with things. I've managed to write about a notebook's worth of entries about things that happen, but can't seem to make it online. And to think most people believe that typing is so much easier than pen to paper. Obviously I have some issues going on here, but I can't pinpoint it, so I can't fix it. Instead, I'll just simply play catch up and hope to do better from now on.

New Year's was a total blast. In fact, it may have been one of the best. We were going to do the whole club/bar thing since I've NEVER done that before, but decided against it when we factored in how much more booze we could buy if we did the party at home. So, we, R and I, opted to invite some people over and do a "smash and crash" at my house. Everyone got there and we fixed burgers and laid out chips, dip and nuts to snack on. Then after the food was consumed and the paper plates thrown in the garbage, the drinks began to flow.

I started the night off quite right with a single shot of Evan Williams followed by a double-shot drink of Evan and Coke. Did I mention I was planning on getting smashed before I crashed? Yeah, well I wanted to warm up to the idea quickly and continue throughout the night. From there I was soaring. I had numerous drinks, goofed with the boys, coaxed a first-timer to trust us with the liquor we doled out to him and watched my friend get tore up too quickly and then spend the night in the bathroom. I only broke down and cried once (damn female inability to maintain emotional structure when highly intoxicated!). Can't handle serious discussion while inebriated... nope, doesn't work for me. And I danced like no one was watching. It was a great time. Everyone enjoyed themselves, crashed around my house and didn't mind the kiddos being present. And now I'm looking forward to doing again sometime soon.

R and I are doing really well. We're spending tons of time together and just allowing things to be the way they are. Both of us love sharing time and quiet moments and hate when we have to split ways again, but we know it's best this way. Now that T is living with him, the option of living together is out until Summer, but I'm not in a big hurry to do that anyway. Yes, I love having him with me and miss him when he leaves, but I want to be certain this time around. I'm hoping by having speed bumps placed in front of us will help us to determine what we REALLY want from this relationship and each other. I don't want either of us to wake up one day and regret the choices we've made. Factor in the kid part of it, and it's even better that we're taking time to figure it out before combining our families. Plus, he isn't sure marriage is for him and I don't want to "just" live together indefinitely. Time will show us what is meant to be, and I'm giving him my time.

Wish everything in my life was this good. Work is a total pisser right now. They had a meeting with me about a week or so ago and said that there will be no more Internet that isn't work related, no more personal calls of any kind, no more instant messenger or email. (That is part of the reason I haven't been around much too.) I'm to do nothing that isn't work related. They are in the process of debating whether or not to keep me on, drop me to part-time or terminating me altogether. Part-time or firing isn't good for me considering it takes more than I make to live on right now. I'm hanging on by a thread, have no idea where to go with this and no clue how to even begin to "sell" myself to another company. I've been here for almost 10 years, it scares the piss out of me to think I'll have to start over somewhere else.

So, I started off last week very headstrong in what needed to be done. I had a list of things to do to keep me busy for several days, or so I thought. What I expected to take a week took me all of three days. Then I moved on to cleaning and reorganizing the office. That took another day or so and now, I'm sitting here hoping to appear busy as to avoid early dismissal. I so hate this crap, would prefer them to just go ahead and fire me outright, and then I could move on. Right now, it's a constant knot in my stomach. I get up, get dressed and drive in not knowing whether it will be my last day or not. I hate it... HATE IT!

Oh well, no need to complain. What is meant to happen will happen and whining won't change it at all. I'm hoping for the best on all fronts of my life. I'm praying that God will show me where I need to be and how I'm suppose to get there. I wonder if he could email me directions through MapQuest? (LOL) Life is good, even the speed bumps we hit have purpose. Take care everyone, I love and miss you all terribly.

Turkey, Santa and a New Year

2007-12-28T00:21:00.000-05:00

I know that some folks have been wondering what the hell happened to me, but I promise I've been around. I just haven't had it in me to blog all that much here lately. Comes back down to the fact I write less when life is being good to me and it has been incredible. Thanksgiving was great! I spent the day with R, CM and Mom. We had a big dinner, glasses of wine and a great time. We spent the day cooking and talking and just being comfortable with everything.

After that, I began the frantic search for the perfect gifts to give. I fought the mall crowds and kicked myself for not buying when I first saw something. I hated my bosses for not giving me a bonus or "gift" that would have helped the financial part of it tremendously, but I survived without it. I did manage to get everyone something that they'd like, so I was happy for that. But more important than anything bought, I was looking forward to having Christmas with the people that I love most. I was ready and eager to build another memory and boy what memories did I get.

First off, we had a small get together with some friends on Sunday night. The adults had cocktails and conversation while the kids played. I forgot how good it feels to have people over and just be adults. It's nice to talk and laugh like that. Then Christmas Eve came and the excitment started to build. T and CM played all day long and we didn't try to stop it for a second. We wanted them to crash out early so that we could have a few moments of time alone as well as getting the gifts ready for the next morning. We did manage to sneak away for a little while by "having" to go to Walmart to get some extra fixins' for Christmas dinner. R was treating us with a meal consisting of fresh rabbit, so we needed a few things for that. He was also going to bake some of his "famous" pumkin raisin cookies and bread pudding. I tell ya, he knows how to get to my heart!

That night we made burgers and hot dogs for dinner so we could clean quickly. The way we are in the kitchen always makes me smile. If you didn't know better you'd think we've done this "dance" for years. We help each other and manage to stay completely out of the other's way all at the same time. It's so comfortable and natural that it still amazes me. Then it happened, R took me aside and told me that he was ready to give me the fifth gift he couldn't wrap and put under the tree. I was so scared to hear what he had to say, but eager to finally know what the new year was to hold for us. He took me in his arms and said that we had spent two years together being friends and that over that time we'd become so much more than he had ever expected in the beginning. He told me that I know longer had to wonder what we were because he was in love with me and that he wasn't going anywhere and didn't want to be with anyone else. My heart raced, I tried to play it off, but it touched me deeply because for the first time I believed it. R does love me and he took the time to be certain so it means more to me than if he'd have said it on a whim. I was floating on air and no matter what else he bought for me, it couldn't compare to what he had just given me.

The rest of the night was something all together different for me. Nothing changed in our behavior to each other, but my heart was now at ease knowing I haven't loved in vain. And that night, when we went to bed, I could tell that the emotions were fueling everything between us to be something amazing. I've NEVER had the real emotion fueling the sexual desires, but this time I did and I know I never want to be without that. Before sleep took us, he whispered to me that he loved me and I slept in such comfort and peace that I knew this is exactly where I was meant to be and who I was meant to be with.

Christmas morning came and the kids tore through the paper like fiends. Luckily, I had found a great gift for T and CM loved everything. I got all kinds of things that I asked for and R liked what I had picked out for him. Then we took some time to just relax and let the kids play before cooking the meal. Again, we did the dance of the kitchen and enjoyed each other's company during it all. We had a wonderful meal of rabbit, dressing and all kinds of good stuff. The hard part was knowing that R had to leave after so he could go to work Wednesday morning, but that is what life is for us right now. He did admit that he hated to leave as much as I hated to see him go and that reinforced everything he had said and what we had shared the night before.

Now, I'm looking forward to my first time ever of being taken out for New Year's Eve. I'm also looking forward to a year filled with the love of a man that I think is nothing short of amazing. I'm not in a hurry anymore, but have comfort in knowing we're moving in the right direction. It will be a good year, I will accomplish what I need to and I will be loved along the way.

Turmoil

2007-11-16T16:42:00.001-05:00

I've been having some real issues this week. First off my mother has been sick for well over three weeks. What I thought to be a bad chest cold has turned out to be the first stages of emphysema. They did all kinds of x-rays and blood work to make certain that what they saw was not cancer of any type. Thankful that it wasn't, I'd have preferred it to be some minor infection. The good thing is that, because of this finding, Mom has decided to stop smoking and because I love her, this means I have too. (Bec, this means you aren't alone in the battle.) It has been four days for my mom and two for me. I know I should have given them up when she called me, but I had just opened a pack... couldn't throw the money away!

Anyway, thing is, I'm quitting! I've been smoking since I was 13 (20 years now) and I'm ready to give it up. I figure I would save a little more than $25 per week, so that's incentive enough. I'll also be healthier and stronger if I stop now. Not to mention, I think it would be good for CM NOT to be around the smoke. She can't make the choice, but I can and should have long before now. Another key part in this is the fact that R doesn't smoke and since seeing him, I made the conscience decision to NOT smoke around him. I knew he didn't like it, so I just didn't and if I can take his feelings on it into consideration, I should certainly be able to stop for the long haul for CM's, Mom's and my own health.

The other thing going on is a big bunch of fear that has been building up inside of me. R said that he'd tell me where we were headed for Christmas and that scares the hell out of me. If he decides to end things or put space between us, I'll be crushed. If he decided to stay with me and move forward, I'm terrified of failing at this relationship too. I swear love is a double-edged sword. You want it so badly that you can't breathe when they aren't there, but then when they are you're afraid they're thinking of the escape route. I HATE IT!!! I suppose finding out definite is better than always trying to guess what's on his mind.

The only sure thing that I can't be wrong about is HIS choice to be around me. I've offered up time and space on numerous occasions, but he still shows up to be with me. We go out, we talk endlessly about everything and we laugh like idiots sometimes. We've discussed all the expectations and in and outs of our thoughts on relationships, finances, children, religion and politics. In fact, I'm willing to say there are few, if any, subjects we haven't discussed to some degree. I'm pretty convinced that when our bodies fail us our minds will keep us close. And the best part to this observing thing is realizing he likes being touched and babied by me. I have no fear of him saying to leave him alone or to not touch him or any of those hurtful things said to me in the past. In fact, if I'm not touching R he seems to think something is wrong.

I'm not real sure if I believe in the concept of a "soul mate", but I do believe in love that is meant to be. Something happens between two people that just feels like "home" right from the beginning. It's an instant connection that grows without expectations or conditions... it simply is alive all on it's own. One day you look over and figure out that your best friend means something completely different and absolutely more to you... it's perfect, or as close as I care to get! I've found comfort, safety and a sense of peace with R and I'm willing to fight for it, live with it and give myself for it. It's amazing to be in love like this, now I just have to wait to find out if he feels the same for me.

Halloween and Then Some

2007-11-07T21:05:00.000-05:00

Halloween is by far one of my favorite holidays. Kids getting to be something from their imaginations is awesome. The whole trick or treat thing has gotten a bit scary, but their are alternatives. This year CM decided to go as a bride for her school stuff and an angel for trick or treating. We opted out of the door to door thing and went "trunk or treating" at a local church. It was easier on the gas situation and on my feet. CM loaded up and got a huge basket of candy plus had the opportunity to walk through an emergency dispatch truck. She thought it was so cool that they had computers inside and tons of radios.

In prepping for the holiday, CM and I made a cake for her snack the day before Halloween. She's really good in the kitchen and it gives some personal time together. She insisted on having jack 0'lanterns on it. We made all colors of icing and she smeared it all around. It turned out really good and she beamed when she took it to school the next day. I can just imagine how puffed up with pride she was when she told them she helped to make it. Then the next night we made rice krispie treats for her party. Even with that, she did really well. I know it isn't much to it, but keep in mind she's only 4. I loved doing it with her and seeing her bounce off to school so happy. All in all, it was a great Halloween and I have plans to dress up myself next year!

We've also spent some non-quality time with her dad. He came over once and insisted on being a total bore like always. He just doesn't get that he has to interact with CM if he expects to have a relationship with her. He worries too much about me and too little about her. To make it worse, his reason for not being proactive in her life is because I'm seeing R. I hate to see how distant he'll become if I ever get married. I suppose it comes down to any excuse is better than none and this one seems to calm his guilt. Can we all say PIECE OF SHIT!

The upside is the quality time we've spent with R and his son, T. They came over this past Friday night and brought the Wii with them. I like the concept of having to get up off the couch to play the games. T and CM played baseball, tennis and boxing. CM loved it and they played until they were both exhausted (that's the plus for adults). They laughed for hours and it made me feel good watching them. Regardless where this ends up, it's good to see them being friends and getting along so well. What amazes me even more is how T is patient with CM, especially since there is 5 years between them. To him, she's just another kid to play with, not some abnoxious, bothersome, little girl.

And with the kids playing, R and I had some time to just be. I really appreciate the way we can do that. Not having pressure to constantly entertain someone is nice. In fact, I've grown quite spoiled to it. This "relationship" is so totally different than anything else I've known. I can't recall another person that I've felt this comfortable with. Talking or dead silence, nothing seems out of place. It's easy to see why I'm madly in love with him. Now, I just need to figure out what's in his heart and head. We've spent tons of time together and joked about living together and stuff like that, but nothing has really changed. He did tell me that he'd tell me where we were headed for Christmas. To me that's just one more thing to worry about! Why can't he just tell me now and get it over with? Mom seems to think he'll ask me to marry him, I'm thinking more along the lines of living together. Or hell, he could surprise me and say that he needs time and space away from me. Whatever it is, it will be a definite that is better than the "what ifs" we have now.

One thing R is adament about is the fact of keeping me here in Georgia. I've mentioned several times that if I can't get things going in a better direction for myself, I'll sell my place and move back to Louisiana to be closer to family and some semblance of a support system. This bothers him tremendously, but I'm not sure if it's because he's grown dependent on our friendship or if he's wanting more out of this. Either way, he says I can't leave and that things will be better if I just be patient for a while. So, I'm giving myself until 2009 and then it's on! I'd never tell him this, but part of it is that I can't continue to be "just friends" with him forever. I want more than anything to be in a committed relationship, maybe not marriage, but something more that this. I want to know, without doubt, that I have someone to lean on when things get rough. Right now all I have is my mother and she's not in the best health, I'll need someone there when I lose her. I need to know that I mean more to someone. I just hope that someone turns out to be my best friend...R.

Back in the Saddle Again!

2007-11-07T17:31:00.001-05:00

I can't believe I've allowed so much to happen without me saying a single word about it. There is no excuse for me to use except for the truth... I've had a case of lazy ass going on around here. Now I'm back in the saddle and ready to ride!

After my whine about my birthday, I got a big ole surprise from R. He came in from Montgomery for the weekend and stayed Friday night with me. When he got there he came in and asked me to go out to the car to get his other bag while he took a shower. Of course I didn't mind it if it meant we could leave quicker. The surprise was that when I threw open the car door there sat a bouquet of flowers, a beautiful watch and a card with a handwritten message inside. Now I know this wouldn't sound like much to a lot of women, but to me, it was a ton. He had called and wished me well ON my birthday which was more than most of my family did and that was enough for me, this was simply extraordinarily extra! I couldn't help myself, I blushed and almost cried when he put the watch around my wrist. Then when I read the card, I really got sappy. After all the yapping stopped and R finished getting ready, we went out to dinner at Joe's Crab Shack (my choice) and then just goofed for a while. It was a wonderful night out and it made the missed calls less important.

Then a couple weeks after that R and I took a trip to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. It was just the two of us and I kind of had fear the drive would be horrible. Even though we have great conversation I figured five hours would be pushing it. I was wrong. We headed out at 6am and took our time getting there. We stopped at roadside flea markets and just enjoyed the day. We arrived around 2ish and checked into the hotel. Upon entering the room, I found out how much R had anticipated our arrival. Without hesitation, he showed me exactly what had been on his mind while driving. I enjoyed his thoughts completely!

The city was beautiful and we walked about 100 miles. I didn't mind it at all, but I was stupid to believe that you can walk that much in wedges without consequence. Okay, don't laugh, I'm still learning about this girly crap! Anyway, I didn't push doing a lot of the touristy stuff, but opted more for one on one time and drifting from place to place. We did go into the hall of illusions. Wasn't real impressed, but it was something to do. Then we played black light putt-putt, now that was fun. I could hardly putt for having my toes glow back up at me. R thought I'd wimp out and not play, but was pleasantly surprised when I won by two strokes. And yes, I'm still talking about the game here! (LOL) Later we went to the Trout House for dinner and had an amazing meal. Way to much for one person to eat, but amazing just the same. We talked during the entire meal. After that we decided to head back for the hotel. Good idea considering I had no flesh left on the bottom of my feet from wearing those damn wedges that looked so cute and the fact it was closing in on 11 o'clock. We did stop in at a bar for a quick drink before heading back to our room. The drink was strong, the service was shit, the karaoke was even worse, but it helped make me forget about my toes. One drink and then to the hotel to take a hot bath and get ready to play with my toy... I mean R until we collapsed into sleep.

The next morning we got up, checked out and took off walking again. We hit "FlapJacks" for breakfast and devoured about five pounds of food before trekking to a few more shops. We looked around a bit and talked more. Then we opted to head for Pigeon Forge and take our time to make our way back to interstate. Once there, we checked a Harley Leather shop and various other places, then took a tour of a winery. We taste tested several of their wines and decided to take the tour... total waste of time since it was Sunday, but it was fun still. We did buy three bottles of wine to bring home with us. It was really good wine and we liked bringing something back with us.

We had a great time, but R brought something to my attention that sets me apart from most women. I had spent the entire trip with him and had never once asked for anything. I didn't buy anything myself. I was content simply being there and being with him. I saw things I would have liked to have, but money is tight for me, so I didn't splurge on myself. I could have asked R to buy me things, but I don't feel quite right about that. I have a job, he has obligations, it just doesn't make sense to me to ask for much. Anyway, I think it sort of bothers him that I don't ask. I don't do it to hurt his feelings or anything, but we're friends and I don't want to take advantage of him. He asked if it would be different if we were married. At first I said yes then recanted to say no because if we were married he'd be paying half the bills and I'd have extra money of my own! Pride is a big thing with me, I don't like to be dependent on anyone for anything. I'd rather sacrifice than swallow my pride.

Anyway, it was a great trip and one I'd love to do again sometime with the kids. We could make a weekend out of it and just enjoy the life for a while. And this concludes our broadcast for today... I will be back tomorrow with more of what's been happening... I PROMISE!

I'm So Slack

2007-10-26T14:47:00.000-04:00

I got a comment from KSHIPPYCHIC asking if I was still around... I am, and I'm reading everything, but have been real slack on updating about myself. I could say it's been because there's been nothing to write about, but that would be a lie. In fact, I've been super busy and doing tons of stuff... but I've been just plain lazy too.

Won't go into it all right now, but I will be updating real soon and getting everyone caught up on what's been happening and what I'm hoping for real soon.

Love to all,
T

P.S. HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO EVERYONE!

So They Say It's Your Birthday!

2007-09-26T15:08:00.001-04:00

Yep, that's what it is... another birthday. I'm 33 years old today. I woke this morning to a text from R and then we had a conversation. He remembered me, but I'm sure MySpace had a hand to play in it considering it notifies you of upcoming "friend" birthdays. Either way, I was happy to be talking to him. It's pathetic I know, but I am totally addicted.

After that conversation ended my baby girl, who's been sick this week, came to my door and hollered "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY". I could have used a little quiet time, but I wouldn't have missed that for the world. She insisted on singing me HER version of the birthday song. I have to admit hers is a bit more "blues" inspired than the traditional and could catch on. She hugged me tight, told me she loved me and kissed me. Nothing in this world can possibly compare to the love a child gives. It's pure, simple and undeniably real. She smiled at me and said that I was "the bestest mommy she's ever seen". It was golden.

My mother bought me a digital camera and gave it to me early so I could use it at the fair. I'm nowhere near being talented like some of my BlogWorld family, but I do love to take pictures. The bad thing is I have to remember NOT to download them from the memory card before I get them printed... or better yet, I should just buy the damn printer for home use. Yeah, that could work!

Anyway, I did want a "gift" for today too, so I went shopping at lunch time. I opted for Old Navy. I love that place and they have great skirts that fit me well. I bought two skirts and two tops. I figure it's about time I got something new to wear. I had one skirt that I liked to wear out and I can't keep using it over and over again. It makes me look pathetic, like I have nothing else in my closet. So... I corrected the issue. Now I just need to find me some really cool fall/winter boots to wear with everything. Damn, that means more money to be worked for, saved and spent! Sheesh, I can't get a break!

Other than that, life is good. I'm anticipating my time with R on Saturday night. Have no plans for Sunday other than hanging around the house or possibly going to the flea market. Nothing planned is good sometimes, taking the day on a whim leaves the possibilities open for anything to happen and to just be.

Another year has passed, a new one begins and I still have no clue where my destiny lies. I question my emotions, my intellect and the people who have danced in and out of my life. Nothing makes sense, but nothing is in vain either. I've laughed, cried, loved, lost, flown and stumbled, but I'm still here. I have a feeling this year of my life may be the one that changes everything. God, I hope so!

IMAX, Midways and Foolishness

2007-09-24T15:11:00.001-04:00

Starting with the anticipation of R getting to the house, the weekend was looking good. We had made plans to go see "Transformers" at the IMAX theater. This was the first time I'd been to an IMAX since I was a kid. It was the newest thing in museum attractions back then and it was a school field trip, but I didn't remember exactly how freakin' big it was. And of course it being the type of movie it was, let's just say... IT ROCKED! I totally loved it. And having handsome sitting right there next to me didn't hurt it either. I enjoy being with him, near him and knowing that it's HIS choice to be near me too. There is no obligation and I keep reminding him that plans don't have to be made with me week after week, but still, he's there with beside me. So, to show my "appreciation", when the movie was over and we were on interstate headed home, I began to play a little. I like taking opportunities like this and running with them. He inched the seat back slightly, I set him free of his denim restraints and the time and exits flew by with every stroke. Yeah, I know, I'm bad that way... but it's so much fun!

On Saturday morning we woke up with the plan of going to the fair. Neither of us had told the kids anything and were expecting it to be a great surprise. After a cup of coffee, R headed off to get T and I took time to get CM and myself ready. It's quite a drive from my house to the fairgrounds, but it was so worth it. The anticipation was growing in CM and she couldn't wait to see where we were going. Once there, I told her to check out her window as I waited in line... once she saw the spinning Ferris wheel she squealed, "Mommy, it's the fair!" And then the obvious question, "Is that where we're going?" I laughed and told her yes because she was such a good girl and that I wanted to share some fun time with her.

We had taken separate cars just in case anything weird happened; we parked side by side, unloaded the kids and walked our way to the midway. The rides were going, the food was filling the senses and the people were bustling around laughing and loving life. The weather was much warmer than we had anticipated, but it was a beautiful day in spite of the sweat factor. We walked the midway completely before buying tickets for the rides. The idea was that T, R's son, would ride with CM so she wouldn't have to ride alone; I would ride the bigger rides with T, so he wouldn't have to ride alone and all would be right with the world. Scratch that, it didn't happen that way. T didn't seem interested in doing much with us... either of us. He didn't jump in to ride in with CM except when he was "made" to and when R insisted I ride a couple of rides with T, he wouldn't even answer when I asked direct questions while waiting for the ride to start. It was obvious that T would have preferred it be just the two of them and I offered on more than one occasion to part ways and just meet up later. R wasn't having it, but I'm not sure he noticed what I felt was more than obvious. Anyway, we spent six hours there and all of us walked out exhausted. CM was asleep in the car well before we got home and I barely made it inside the door myself.

That brings us to Sunday. Ahhhh Sunday, to sleep in late, to wake gently and to savior the rich mountain grown flavor of some Juan Valdez's finest.... FUCK THAT! I HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD YA'LL! CM woke me well before my internal alarm went off notifying me that it was either get up or pee the bed. She knocked on the door and inquired, "are you gonna sleep all day?" Well this had been an option I had considered when I fell into the bed the night before, but obviously was NOT a part of hers. I drug my sorry ass out of the bed, opened the door before being bombarded with hugs and high pitched "I love yous"... yeah, that sounds wonderful, but before an ounce of coffee enters the system, it's almost too much to handle. I turned and retreated to the sanctity of my bathroom. After all, I did have to go pee!

I didn't accomplish anything on Sunday. It rained, so no yard work completed. It rained, so no draining, cleaning and allowing the pool to dry. It rained, so I just decided to be a bum. Around 6:30 I went to pick up dinner for CM, R and I. He was coming over to stay the night. He won't admit it to anyone, but he loves me getting him up and off for work. The alarm goes off and I get up without question or bothering him and put the coffee on for him. Then I come back in and gently wake him with the question "feel like breakfast?" Typically he doesn't, but I'm always prepared for the morning he says yes. Then when he decided to start becoming mobile, I sit on the bed and chat with him. When he's ready to walk out the door, I double check he has everything and walk him out to the car. Yeah, I think he likes the "June Cleaver" that I feel so comfortable doing. It's really too bad we aren't a couple.

And that brings me to the foolishness part of this. I jumped a little ahead and skipped the evening. We had dinner, watched "Lady in the Water" and then headed to bed. Can't pull a late night when the clock is set for 3:30am. He had to make the drive back to Columbus and I wanted to make certain he got some rest. As we were lying in bed talking it came up that I hadn't kissed him, held his hand or anything else in over 24 hours. I told him that I don't do it with T around because I'm not sure if he'll accept it and that I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. Then I said something I shouldn't have said aloud. I told R that I didn't do it because I didn't want to shame him. This hit hard, the tone in his voice changed and he corrected me by saying that he was NEVER ashamed of me and that if he were we'd never go anywhere together. I heard it, he said it, but something in my heart won't allow me to believe it. He said he was waiting on me to initiate the affection, I was waiting for a sign that the needed or wanted it.

See, I admit that I'm madly in love with R. There is no other person I'd rather see me spending my life with. First thought, last thought and a million through the day is what he is to me. I think long term and his face is there in front of me just like CM's. The problem isn't what I feel, it's what he feels. I have never been so totally in the dark and confused. His actions say that he cares deeply, possibly loves me, but his words remind me constantly that we're just friends, nothing more. We spend hours together in one way or another, but I still feel he's searching for something more, better... the trophy. Perhaps I'm pushing onto him the things the men from my past did, but I don't think so. It really hurts when I ask him why he's attracted to me and he answers because I have a great personality. I don't want to be the "but she's really nice" anymore, I deserve someone to think I'm attractive too. That is only a small fraction of the reason why I'm working so hard on my weight issues, but it is a part.

Fall is in the Air

2007-09-20T14:55:00.000-04:00

I do believe that summer has finally given way to autumn. The air is crisp in the early morning and late evening. The days are mild, sunny and breezy. I'm loving this and wish it could stay EXACTLY this way for about six months before releasing to the dread of winter. And with the change in weather comes the change in ideas, attitude, perception and situations. Nothing in life remains the same, change is inevitable, it's just left up to us to figure out how to adapt.

In the life of my family there is plenty for them to adapt to. First off my youngest nephew is being deployed to Iraq this Saturday. The fear has hit him and he's not wanting to go but understands that Uncle Sam owns his flesh now and there is no choice to be made. He'll be leaving his new wife behind and has no idea whether he'll return to her whole or at all. I fear the worst, pray for the best and expect him to come back a different man. Next is my youngest niece who is pregnant with her third baby. She's due in February and I suppose I should be happy for her, but I can't be. She's already been taken to court once for child neglest and I can't see where she's done too much changing since then. Anyway, that brings me to my oldest niece who will be going to court for embezzling $32,000 from her former employer. She denied to us, but she was carrying the load for an "X" and coke habit for herself, her boyfriend and everyone else for about a year. Now, she's having to face the music. To make it worse, her jukebox is playing two songs at once. She's not only facing court and possible jail time, but she and her husband of three years have decided to file for divorce. Tie all that up and then you have the fact that my sister, their mother, is still going through her mid-life crisis and has undergone breast augmentation and tummy tuck surgery. She went from a strong "C" to an enormous "E"! I can't even imagine it, but hey... VANITY IS A BITCH! She and her husband of 26 years are also going through a divorce. Tis the season right?

Other than their drama that is a constant, there is very little around my home. It's pretty damn dull and boring in comparison, but I kind of like it considering the life I grew up with. I'll take the weekends with nothing happening anytime over a Fist Fest at 3am on Saturday morning. My life isn't without change though, it just isn't so over-the-top as the rest of my family. My changes are within myself. I'm working very hard to find the inner beauty that I know has to exist in there somewhere. I'm working on my body and it's paying off. When I went to the doctor on Wednesday he told me that my blood pressure, cholesterol and thyroid were as close to perfect as you could get. The insulin issues are still there, but he's confident with about 20 more pounds gone that could change too. It felt so good to hear from someone who has no ties to me to say that I'm doing well. He was very encouraging and very positive about my physical future. There are days when I want to give up, but I don't, I go and I work hard and afterwards I feel like I've accomplished something. What I'm building inside my own head about ME is something NO ONE will ever take from me again... EVER!!!

As for my daughter, she is awesome! Few days pass when she doesn't just absolutely blow me away. Her vocabulary and comprehension amaze me and I love having conversations about anything that pops into her mind. I try not to talk down to her when she asks a question, so some of her "intellect" is based on my bluntness to explain quite a bit more than most would to a four year old. I'd like to say that her dad is visiting and being consistant, but he's not. In fact, the piece of shit didn't even call her for her birthday or since to see how she's doing. His excuse, "you're always busy with R"... like that has anything to do with him having a relationship with his kid... FUCKIN' TARD! Anyway, she hasn't asked for him or about him and I don't push the subject either. Other than that, I'm a bit sad for her. My mom picks her up from school at 2:15 and yesterday she got there early. The kids were out on the playground and my baby girl is playing all alone... just like she did last year at the church school. I hate that kids are already shunning her for her weight issues. I hate even more that I can't find anything that works to get the weight off of her.

Then there are the issues with R. He's perfect for me in every single way and I'm deeply in love with him, but I'm not really sure where I am in his heart, if anywhere. We spend tons of time together, talk non-stop almost, but still he holds on to the "just friends" description of us. I know he wants to take time to make certain whomever he ends up with isn't just the "rebound", but with all the time we're sharing, it makes it hard to maintain. Yesterday I spoke with my oldest niece and asked me if we were "dating" and I had to tell her no. She didn't get how we could be so close and consumed with each other and NOT be dating. So, I discussed it with R and he asked did I have a problem with it. I said no, but I'm not so sure that was the entire truth. It doesn't bother me until I have to explain it to someone and I get the "uh-huh" look from them. I know they're thinking "free milk and the cow" and I hate that. I know that nothing would change if we did consider ourselves dating, but with that label come unspoken promises. Promises that perhaps he isn't ready to make to me or that he never intends to make to me. When you're "dating" someone and it becomes exclusive, then that means you do not have anything with anyone else beyond the purely platonic friendships. It means that you have some hope of it moving forward into something long term.

Now this concept doesn't scare me, but I can tell that the big picture throws R off. He's never been married and isn't quite certain about taking that step. He's also spent the last ten years with someone who consistantly pointed out all the reasons why he wasn't good enough or things he needed to improve upon. I don't do this to him and can honestly say that I love him just the way he is right now. I respect him, I see the little things that he does for me and I like the way we are together. Nothing is taboo or off-limits between us and we've both begun to open up and share what and who we are. I joke about holding out for the big commitment, but I really am. Right now I can't see my future without him being tied to it in some way or another. Each day is surrounded with thoughts of creating a strong family from two broken ones. I see me happiest walking through life with R at my side.

Anywho... that's it for me right now. Nothing real exciting, but life is always amazing... live it, love it and share it with everyone you can.

Progress on the Work

2007-08-29T11:58:00.001-04:00

I rarely post photos on my blog, but I'm getting a bit bolder as I'm growing smaller. When I began the endeavor of losing weight I topped out at 242 lbs (that is the "then" photo). I toyed with getting in shape, bought a recumbant bike for home use and watched what I ate (for a while), but I didn't get serious until about 5 weeks ago. My best friend heard me whine and complain non-stop about my appearances, so he encouraged me to check into the local gyms. Knowing I didn't have the money to splurge on myself, he offered to help me. He considers it an investment in me and my mental and emotional well-being.

Anyway, I found a great place, open 24/7 and not filled with a bunch of ditzy, silicone Barbie dolls. I've worked out almost every single day since I began and I feel so much better about myself. I walk a bit taller, speak a bit clearer and just like the person that is waiting inside. I know it isn't much, but losing almost 40lbs (the "now" photo) is something amazing to me. I am determined that I will not be the "fat girl with the great personality" for much longer. I don't want to become "crack addict" skinny, but I do want to be significantly thinner.

So, for all my blog family out there, this is me THEN and NOW and I will update again when I lose another big chunk. Hopefully I'll get some full length photos taken of me now and I'll post those too.

Pasta, Passion & Perception

2007-08-25T23:17:00.000-04:00

Last night was an amazing night. It began with me and CM making dinner, lasagna, together. We had invited R over to eat and to watch a movie. We had so much fun putting the layers in and watching it stack up into ooie, gooie goodness. Then we prepped the corn and got everything going. Watching CM take an interest in things just amazes me sometimes. She’s so independent and intent on doing so much for herself now that I almost feel like a bystander in the projects. And without mincing words, dinner turned out great. I admit I got a little over zealous and baked it well before R got there, but all in all, I think it worked out well.
When he arrived, my heart began to beat a little faster and I anticipated when CM and mom would go to bed and leave us alone. I’ve never spent a single moment with him that I’d trade with anyone else I’ve known. And though it may be more from my perception than reality, I doubt seriously if he’d trade too many of those moments either. We laugh and talk like we’ve known each other forever. We’re comfortable in silence, we’re more comfortable in conversation and the affection is unending. This is something that happens all on its own and feeds itself over and over again.
When we slipped into the bedroom, the passion arose like a flame set amongst the dead leaves of fall. Swept up into him arms, wrapped around him, I felt alive and wanting. My breath staggered as I felt him slide into me and repeat it again and again. My legs spread wide to receive, I couldn’t help but beg for every inch. Climaxing isn’t something wished for, but something guaranteed by his every movement. Touching me in ways that I don’t remember any man doing before him, I hit my peak and fall in quick successions. My mind can only correlate it with an extreme speed roller coaster built with engineering genius to never lose the butterflies inside your stomach once the ride begins.
The intensity builds, explodes, builds again and erupts into something almost painful. I’m engorged, enflamed and needing to stop, but hating to admit that I can’t take a feather’s touch against my swollen clit. The hill upward begins again and I can hardly breathe. I’m there, at the top of the mountain waiting for the plummet into that sweet abyss once more and I can’t help myself but to beg him to stop. I can’t take another touch, another push inside of me. With a smile on both of our faces, he knows that he’s beaten me at my own game and I’ve surrendered to him everything that is weak inside of me. I’m vulnerable, I’m shaking and I’m deeper in love with him simply for the fact that he’s taken me, all of me, and indulged my needs of feeling sexy, sensual, feminine and free.
Catching my breath, laying next to him, I want to finish what we’ve begun. Indulging myself and him, I take him into my hand and mouth and begin the “ride” again. This ticket is for something more sinister, more taboo and exclusively what I share with him. Trust is something not given easily, but earned and rewarded accordingly. Saying in the first few meetings that I’d never do it, but realizing that I enjoy it as much, if not more, than he does, I climb on top of him and allow him to enter into me, but not in the traditional way. Anal sex is not for the weak or scared, it takes a whole different animal to find real pleasure in it. It also takes the confidence of a man who can be gentle and firm at the same time. Combined, we are a pair of these animals. He pushes into me and I lower onto him. I can feel the instant gratification inside of me as he reaches into me again and again. Leaning me back, my back almost to his chest, he continues to push inside of me.
The orgasms are amazing and I can’t wait to feel him swell and empty into me. Slowly, carefully, we change positions and he’s behind me. Giving him my hands, him taking the “reigns”, the ride intensifies and I can’t help but erupt once more, and then again. The idea of him having complete control of me only makes me want him to take more control. I hear his breath quicken, the depth of him is greater and the swelling inside of me tells me that we’re on the verge of his eruption and this alone is more than enough to push me off the cliff into the greatest, grandest orgasm I’ve had. There is very little that compares to reaching that point simultaneously, but we’ve managed to work that out on more than one occasion.
We fall into sleep satisfied and drowned in sexual gluttony. Taking advantage of each other, ignorant to the exact definition of what we are, rest finds us ready for more when the sun is just peaking over the horizon. With a quick taste of him on my tongue, I wake him in my favorite way. Then we begin another day, but not like most. There is no place to be on time, there is no one waiting for either of us, so we take the day as it comes. Finding ourselves in a different state, we devour the hours just being together. Unsure about so many things between us, but feeling that it’s just the way it’s meant to be. He’s my best friend, my lover and, though he probably hates for me to admit it, my love. I know there are no promises beyond the friendship, but something in me says that neither of us is willing to let any part of it go right now. There are moments caught in a glance, a touch, a gesture that make me believe that I feed some part of him that’s similar to the part he feeds inside of me.
Sex is a very strong thing between people, but I can’t believe that it alone is what fuels the rest of what there is. Any person watching us would probably assume what he (more than me) is afraid to acknowledge. We gel in a way that is so foreign to me I can’t place ever having it like this before. His tenderness and attentiveness is closer to my idea of being loved than any other man has ever shown to me. For the first time in my life, I have an idea of what it means to allow someone in and not fear them leaving. I may be fooling myself, but in time I think we’ll both arrive at the same place. I joke with him often about “when” he’ll realize it and take action, but the jokes only run so deep before the sincerity in it shows. He knows that I’m in love with him, he knows that I can’t imagine a day in my life without him, but most of all, he knows that I want him, with or without me, to be happy and sure in his choices. Now, it’s just a matter of waiting and letting emotion, fate and time prove what will be.

A Perfect Weekend

2007-08-13T00:06:00.000-04:00

Saturday morning CM and I got up ready to celebrate her birthday, she was turning four on Sunday. We made plans to go with R and his son, T, to the museum of natural history. They had an incredible exhibit of live lizards and snakes; something I knew both kids would thoroughly enjoy and we wouldn't mind seeing either. R and T got to the house around 10ish and we headed out. Got to the museum around 11ish and took our time seeing everything. The live exhibit was cool, but the entire visit was awesome. We saw clothing and ornamentation from around the world, the dinosaurs, natural wildlife of the state of Georgia, how the big bang theory is interpreted, and even played hands-on with some science experiments. T took to Cm without a hitch and enjoyed having her around. Being seven years older than her didn't hinder them a bit from having fun together. Not once did T seem aggravated or bothered by her being right under his feet. (She idolized being with him!) Total, we spent almost five hours there including our time in the gift shop. R bought us each a "token" to keep. He bought a cool onyx pyramid for himself, a couple of toys for T, a box of dinosaur dominoes for CM and a beautiful stone necklace for me. As we were walking out R pulled my necklace out and put it around my neck and then proceeded to hand the kids each a coin to drop in the fountain outside for wishes. CM made her wish first and went against the grain by speaking it aloud. Very carefully, and with a sincere heart, she wished she could have a big brother and then turned to smiled at T. T made his wish for the typical boy thing... new video games, but it all can't be mushy now can it?

After we left there we headed to Little Five Points for some dinner, iced coffee, browsing and shopping. The stores are so cool and all the stuff is tempting to buy. We checked out clothes, gift stuff, trinkets and I even checked on my tattoo I want to get. We went into one store where they sell the best silver rings, R wanted a new one and they were having a sale, buy one get one. He picked out the first without a second thought, then asked me to choose one. I commented that no man should buy me a ring and he said it would make it difficult to marry me then. We laughed as he told the guy working the counter to take a good look at me because I was the only woman he had ever known who didn't want a man to buy her things. The guy joked that if we broke up to come see him, I blushed and waited patiently. Finally R pulled me aside and told me that he'd really like to buy me a ring and to please pick one out. I relented and picked out a celtic unending circle... something to symbolize my friendship with R, and he was pleased. Sliding it on my finger, I thought I caught a glimpse of something special behind them. He had won the battle and given me something that would last.

Then we headed for home and had cake and presents. Again the kids played non-stop without bickering or boredom. T and CM had a blast playing with all of her toys and we sat quietly, snuggled up on the couch watching "300". Excellent movie if you haven't seen it. And as I watched it, I went back through the day and smiled when I'd hear the kids laughing in the background. Then it occurred to me that R and I had been affectionate towards each other all day. Normal behavior for us when it's just us or just CM with us, but this was a first around T. I didn't want to push anything on him considering he's dealing with the breakup between his parents, but when I wasn't touching R in some way, he was touching me. We held hands, sat close to each other and hugged on more than one occasion. We talked in whispers and smiled like school kids with big crushes and it was good and okay. Neither of us felt the need to hide anything about what we are to each other and T seemed to take it as "normal" too. When it came time for them to go home, T hugged me, said he had a good time and looked forward to spending time with us again. R pulled me close, held me for a while and then kissed me softly before walking down the stairs to the car.

Sunday morning I slept in late and got up to play with CM for a while before they went to church. We played Hungry Hippo, Uno and a whole lot of stuff before putting her in the tub. While she was bathing R called and asked what my plans were for the day. He mentioned he had to go to the mall to buy new workboots and asked if I'd like to join him. He was taking T home around 3 and would come pick me up afterwards. When he got here Mom and CM had just left so we had the house to ourselves. This is a dangerous thing when you take into consideration our raging hormones and the fact of being unbridled by the presence of others in the house. We locked into an embrace, fell into a kiss and carried it directly to the bedroom for some serious action. He was wanting to try out the latest in the "toy" collection that he's building with me and I wanted to play too. What should have been a quickie turned into something all together different, but who am I to complain?

With my make-up a mess, my hair soaked with sweat and my knees weak, we got straightened out enough to make it to the car and head to the local mall. We joked the entire drive there and made comments about the act we'd just completed and strolled hand in hand through the parking lot and started to enjoy our evening alone. He bought his boots, we headed to the stores he wanted to check and then had dinner at the food court. Our conversation varied immensely and we laughed and talked for more than an hour. Deciding to walk off some of the pasta, we headed downstairs to Borders to puruse the books and music. Again, we flirted with each other, talked about our weekend together and just enjoyed being together. Back in the car, we put in my new CD and listened to music and talked all the way home. Once here, he walked me into the house, said hello to everyone, including the dogs and said our goodbyes.

It was a great weekend, one that I won't forget anytime soon. T has more idea of what we are, R is fine letting him know that and I'm pleased that CM had a good birthday filled with laughter and friends. And the icing on the proverbial cake was that I weighed myself on Friday and I'm down a total of eight pounds... watch out, hottie in the making!

The Love of Judas

2007-08-10T17:29:00.001-04:00

We all know that the interpretation of the Bible is left to the interpreter him/herself. Each person given the same chapter, verse or scripture will come up with their own summation of what it means and how to apply it to their lives. Some make it very literal, some choose for it to be more symbolic, but regardless there is meaning, answers and questions to every word that has been written and passed down. Here is merely my idea of one such story...

Considering the fact that "Christians" are taught that Jesus was conceived, born, lived and died for the sole purpose of forgiveness of our sins, then it stands to reason that the events that led to the crucifixion had to be unfolded in just the way that they were. Most believe that Judas betrayed Jesus and "sold him out" to Pontius Pilate. They also believe that Judas then killed himself because the guilt and demons were too much for him to bare. Personally, I'm not so sure this is the whole entire story. After watching a special on Discovery regarding the scrolls that were found and translated regarding Judas' story, I lean heavily toward their being a different truth. Follow along and see if it makes you wonder...

Jesus, knowing that he was to sacrifice himself as our saviour, may have had to make a decision about who to trust to enact the events that followed. Perhaps Judas was the closest and most devout follower and the most trustworthy man in the fold of the apostles. Jesus may have pulled Judas aside and told him of the things that were to come. Telling him in confidence to go tell the guards where he could be found and when to take him. Judas being the believer that he was acted in perfect love and obedience to Jesus, did as he was requested and put himself in harms way to make the "blessed events" transpire. We all know that all of the apostles were in danger of dying if found out; therefore, Judas risked his own life in coming forward to announce that he not only knew Jesus but followed him and knew of his exact whereabouts. He took the silver more to shield his own life, but not necessarily for the reasons we are told.

In turn, when the guards came to take Jesus from the garden, Judas went to him and kissed his cheek... some see this as a sign of pointing out the right man, but it could have been more of a tenderness shared showing that he had completed the task given to him by the one he believed completely in. A last moment of love shared between the servent and the savior if you will. Shortly after this "admittion", the other apostles disbanded and denied knowing Jesus in order to save their lives; however, Judas walked out surrounded by demons and people who were ready to send him to slaughter as well. As the story goes, Judas came back and threw the silver down at their feet and begged for this to stop. Easily he could have walked away a rich man and continued his days in a different place, but instead he gave it all away and hung himself from a tree by a rope found around the carcass of an animal.

To millions they believe this was a sign of weakness and guilt, but it could very well have been grief that propelled him to end his own life. How many times have we seen a man die leaving his wife to mourn the lose of her love so greatly that she dies soon after? Or a woman killed in a wreck has her husband take his own life in order to be with her in the hereafter? Guilt is a strong emotion, but nothing in comparison to love and grief. Throughout our lives we feel it many times and it never becomes easier to withstand or bounce back from. Perhaps Judas' love for Jesus, and his part to play in the grand picture of saving our souls, was simply more than his heart would allow. Tying that noose around his neck and taking the plunge may have been the only saving grace Judas had from the heartache of knowing his teacher, his friend was going to die a horrendous death.

I suppose everyone who ever picks the Bible up and reads it will find a different interpretation of this story; however, I'd like to think that what I've written may make you think a bit more. We all know that stories of betrayal motivate us more than stories of love. The balance between good and evil often have to be portrayed in order to teach us anything at all. Judas could have been Satan himself trying to destroy what was pure, but he could have been the strong messenger that carried out a deed many would have ran from. Perception is key to finding the truth about God, love, forgiveness and sacrifice. We all must face our demons, question the good in us and ask ourselves what price we are willing to pay for our faith.

TAGGED!

2007-08-07T12:47:00.000-04:00

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog post containing your own middle name game facts.

4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

L: Loving - I enjoy being affectionate
Y: Y'all - I suffer from a bad case of country charm and dialect
N: Nicotine - The one truly bad habit I can't seem to break
E: Earful - What I will give you if you piss me off or ask my opinion
T: Taboo - the things I like to talk about and try
T: Ticklish - severely and in way too many places
E: Easy - In more than one way :D

Would love to tag some folks, but I'd rather just have those that visit decide for themselves without pressure if they'd like to play along.

Doctor Visits, Turbulance, 2nd Dates & Butterflies

2007-08-03T23:30:00.000-04:00

I took CM to see a pulminary doctor on Thursday. They were thinking she had a mild case of asthma, but the doctor didn't seemed too concerned with that. He did send her for a few x-rays and some bloodwork to check her lungs for blood clots and to see if she has a clotting disorder of any kind. He also recommended us taking her for a sleep study. She has a bit of sleep apnea and they think that could be playing into her being so easily tired and weight gain. I swear this is turning into a nightmare. You get sent from one doctor to another and nothing is being said or found. My child continues to gain weight even though we are limiting and changing everything she consumes. I can't even begin to imagine how she's doing this and, so far, there is no cause for it. It's frustrating and terrifying. A child of three should have no clue what high blood pressure or high cholesterol is, but yet, she does. I just wish they could tell me something that would work to help her because I'm feeling like a loser right now.

I've had quite a week myself over and beyond the doctor visits for CM. First it started off with me and R having some big time disagreements and misunderstandings. We went back and forth for several days saying hurtful things to each other. Most of it due to the fact that his ex wouldn't move out like she has been promising to do for months now. The other part was my "demanding" more time from him. I pulled the standard "if you can't make time for me then don't bother coming around at all" thing and he retaliated with "maybe I shouldn't" and it just grew from there. Finally it ended with me declaring a day of silence and taking some time to regroup where I was and what I would and wouldn't tolerate from this whole situation.

Needless to say, that didn't last long at all. R decided that it was high time I owned an adult toy, so he ordered me one. (This idea came before the argument.) Considering the fact his ex was still in the house, he opted to have it mailed directly to me. She decided to check his email and found the confirmation of the order. The seller included photographs of what it was along with all my information confirming mailing accuracy. This didn't sit well with her and her idea of them reconciling, so she confronted him with it. He acknowledged some or all of it and she got pissed. The next day, she packed all of her things and vacated quickly. That led to a text message that said not only had she found the email, but that the package had come to him anyway. He insisted that he bought it specifically for me and that he had no use for it and wanted to deliver it to me, so we discussed that and kept it civil. (And for all those with curious minds, it's the "Venus Butterfly"; great with or witout a partner.)

All this talk of delivering my "gift" to me led to us setting up a date. Our second "real" date to be exact. We met tonight for dinner at Logan's Roadhouse and had an excellent meal and tons of conversation. It's like all the bull melted away and we were what we've been for over a year now... best friends and a little more. We've discussed what we both want, need and expect from the other at this point. I need to know that I'm more than just an easy piece and he needs some time to experience a little freedom. We came to the conclusion that we will get together when we can, see other people if the opportunity should arise and figure out the emotional part as we go along. He knows all too well that I'd like to try for the long haul with him, but I respect the fact he won't jump from one serious commitment straight into another. Plus, I'd rather be patient and certain than rush and hurt worse later on.

After dinner was over I half-heartedly expected him to tuck tail and leave, but he asked if I'd stay a while and just talk. We walked around the parking lot of the shopping center and we laughed and joked the entire time. Both of us played off the others weaknesses and felt comfortable with it. I'd touch his arm gently and he'd take my hand and kiss my fingers. It's nice having that closeness even when sex isn't involved. I liked the fact he made the effort to put his arm around me and to hold my hand. I liked the feel of being "courted", something I could definately get spoiled to very easily. I know it's not all perfect, but there is definately something between us that neither can fully deny. Even though he says he needs space, he doesn't really take it when I offer it up to him. I try to step off some and he comes closer. I really like that. Let's just hope that in the end we see what's there and not walk away only to find regret later on.

I've been sticking to the gym thing. I've gone every single day except Thursday and I feel great. I weighed myself this morning and I'm down by three pounds. I know it isn't anything great or grand, but it's a start in the right direction. Of course, V thinks I'm doing it all for R, so he's making wise cracks some, but really I'm doing it for me. I don't want to be the obese girl who is constantly overlooked anymore and I just want to find myself attractive again. I have noticed a severe change in my perception of me since I've been going. I feel more confidant and proud. I'm doing it and I never thought I would. I've started something that isn't all that easy for me and I have desire to continue. Right now, life is looking pretty damn good.

Weighing In

2007-07-27T13:27:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, on my way home, I stopped in and paid for my gym membership. I didn't sign a big contract, but I did do a six week program they were offering. It's a 24/7 place, so I can go anytime I want to, and it's conveniently located between home and work. I've never been to a gym before, so this was a big step for me. I am ready to work this fat off and I needed the boost to get me going. R insisted on paying for half of it, and after fighting about it, I gave in and let him. He said if it makes me feel better about me, then he'll happily pay it and if I want to continue after the 6wks, we'll work something out for him to either take care of the fees or help with them. How awesome is he for that? Anyway, this morning I had my appointment to meet with the trainer. She talked to me about the goals I had in mind, what I felt was realistic for me to achieve and how much I could do if I worked hard for the time I had. She was awesome and very personable. She didn't laugh or get pissy when I said I didn't know how to work the machines, she was patient and kind and took her time to show me everything. I didn't have much time to work out this morning because of all the learning, but I'm going back this evening and working it, then I'll do the Saturday and Sunday early morning thing.

In other "self-help" news, I did an experiment this week and I think I'm going to continue it. I started on Monday morning and with the exception of today, I've worn make-up every single day this week. Now, this may not be a big deal to most women, but to me, it's HUGE! I've never been a big fan of cosmetics, never felt they did much for my appearances and just was too lazy to do it all the time. Well, I've had a small change of perspective. I like the way my eyes look when I have them shaded and I feel good just taking some time "working" on myself in the mornings. For the first time maybe in my entire life I felt like a woman... a real woman, not some knock-off, want-to-be, watered down version of one. Now if I can figure out how to really fix my hair, I'd be deadly.

This weekend is filled with a whole lot of nothing. Trying desperately not to spend money so I can afford school clothes and birthday presents... both things needing to be bought the SAME WEEK!!! How does this shit happen? And to make it worse, CM is really into Barbie and got tons of the dolls from my boss' daughter, but there were no clothes. I've searched high and low and there is hardly anything available and NO Ken clothes at all. Even on Barbie.com there isn't anything really to buy unless you want the entire doll. And that is their gimmick, if you want Barbie in a swimsuit, then buy "Beach Barbie" and so on and so forth. I think it's a damn shame that companies have to get so greedy. I can remember picking a new outfit from an entire wall of fashions, but not now... filthy, money hungry pigs. Speaking of her birthday, I've opted out of having a party and will be taking CM to see "Snakes Alive", an exhibit at Fernbank. She's really into stuff like that and it will be SO much cheaper on me. Not to mention, we won't have to worry with the disappointment of no one showing up, which I think will be the case considering these kids haven't seen each other since May.

As for me and R, well I'm not real sure about any of it. He helped me pay for the gym thing and I appreciate it, but it makes me feel kind of like he's paying for services rendered. His ex is refusing to leave for whatever reason she can come up with today and my patience is wearing REALLY thin. I'd like to think that he's tolerating her out of concern for his son and kindness in his heart, but there are times when I question whether it's just a big ole lie I've fallen for. Perhaps he's merely playing the "cake and eat it too" game and I've been blind to it. I'd hate to think I'm so pathetic that I'd do that, but hey, it's happened before. Something in me believes that IF she'd get out and give him some room, there could be a chance at a real future for he and I, but NO... now that she's aware of me, it's like she's finding EVERY excuse to stay another little while. I wish I had her cell phone or email, I'd let her know every damn thing in great detail. I'm ready to be brutal.

Regardless of what she does or doesn't do, I have a timeline for myself. Some things I can fluctuate on, some I won't. I figure if there is any real desire to be with me then R will do what it takes to continue with me, even if it means he moves out and leaves her with his mother (which is a whole different issue). I'm tired of not going out and doing things, so, if the sex continues, then is some sense, he should pay for it. Not like leaving money on the dresser, but I deserve to have the dinners and movies sometimes too. I want more than the late evenings where we watch half a movie before going to bed. I deserve more, I'm a good woman and I am worth some of the extras too. So, with that said, my deadline for certain things is my birthday. Maybe this year I'll get some wishes to come true for myself.

Catch-Up!!!

2007-07-24T15:54:00.000-04:00

Over the last week or so things have changed, resumed and altered. I wish I could say that I was crystal clear on everything, but mainly, I'm confused as hell! It's the normal order of things for me. I'm almost positive that when the day comes where I know exactly what is happening in my life, it will also be the day I take my last breath.

R and I have seen each other quite a few times over the past week. Thursday we met up at Border's and talked for a couple hours before "playing" a little in the parking lot. We always find a way to really enjoy each other and our time together. Considering our lives don't make it all that convenient, we have to get creative and bold sometime. Friday, he came to my house and stayed the night. Unfortunately, he got there too late to really call it a visit. It was definately more along the lines of a "booty call". The next morning, he had things to do, I had company coming over and so it was up and running with the light.

Saturday was an interesting day to say the least. H & her daughter came over for the day. I won't lie and say that I didn't have some reservations, I did, but I was hoping for the best. When they got there the daughter, B, said that she wasn't feeling well. So, this declaration led to her being somewhat nasty to CM right off the bat. She didn't want to be talked to, played with or anything else that CM was trying to do. On more than one occasion I saw my baby girl almost break down and cry.

To ease some of the tension, I suggested we go have lunch out and then maybe thrift shop. I allowed B to choose the place and we went for subs. It was good, but she showed, even in public, that she had very little regard for direction being told to her. At least we weren't hearing about how bad she felt for a while. After we fueled up, we headed to the local thrift store and rummaged through clothes, movies and toys. (I did really well, I stayed away from the books.) Then my phone rings and it's R; he's at the mall and wants to know if I want to meet him up there. I tell him that I still have company, he said "bring them with you", so I did.

Totally by surprise, we get there and R turns around to show me that his son, T, is there with him. Now I know this wouldn't be big to most, but to me it was HUGE! This was my first meeting with him and I wondered why now, why today and who brought it up. Anyway, the kid is absolutely handsome, quiet, polite and just a doll to be around. We all walked the mall, had some ice cream and just visited a bit before the boys headed to the theater. It was a good day and I left wondering what impression, if any, I had made. He seemed okay with me, I mean he sat with me when R was paying for things and we chatted a bit, so I think it was okay. CM loved him and can't wait to see him again. (She's convinced he will be her big brother one day!)

Sunday wasn't all that interesting and this week hasn't proved to be any more exciting. It's just kind of one of those weeks. I'm terribly confused about a lot of things, working through trying to maintain patience and understanding, but it's rough. I wish I could change some things, but I can't and it's frustrating waiting to see what fate has in store for me. Well, I gotta go for now, but I'll finish these thoughts later.

Blogger Awards

2007-07-17T17:07:00.000-04:00

This amazing honor was bestowed upon my by a lovely woman who has touched my heart on more than one occasion, KSHIPPYCHIC. About me she wrote, "Cuz she has been through some shit - and has survived it all. She has so much strength and courage. (And she should totally write porn!)". Now, I pass this awards on to 5 of women I think are Rockin Girls!!

1. Liz - You have no idea how much hope you give to me, thank you for being so determined.

2. Jali - I think you are simply wonderful and I can't wait to meet you in person.

3. Mist1 - Girl, you never fail to make me smile, laugh and occasionally become totally disgusted.

4. Mixed Lynn - I love the way you weave your tales and regardless if they are fact, fantasy or a combination of both, they make me think and feel.

5. Kellie - To an amazing mother of two very preemie boys. You've shown me that miracles can not only be born, but grow and thrive. Your strength during it all has given me something I can't describe. Thank you for sharing your journey with me so far, I hope to continue watching from the sidelines as time goes by.

Well, that's the 5 of the ladies I couldn't live without on here. Now, pick up your award when you can and display them proudly. If you can repost with 5 ladies of your own, go for it, if not, just know that you were noticed today.

Misery Loves Company

2007-07-17T16:24:00.000-04:00

When I started my blog I doubted that I'd have a handful of people reading it and had no expectations of finding a family on here. I have been so fortunate to have people who truly care about me. They not only read the trifling crap I write on this page, but they actually give me input, support and unconditional friendship to help me through the hard times.

The first person I recall getting a message from was KSHIPPYCHIC . She dropped in, read what I had written and before long she was welcoming me with "open arms" into the fold. She passed me around to the others she had met and connected with. Each one of those people took me in like the youngest of a grand, broken family. They wrapped around me and made me feel safe to open myself and let the flood out. Over the two years, I've realized that it's much easier to share the hard times, the pain and the sting of life with the people I've met here than anyone else. There have been times when I've set myself up for ridicule and condemnation, but I have a cavalry behind me waiting to charge in my defense. I'm not sure I've ever felt love like this before and I thank each of you, but mainly Bec for welcoming me in.

How I missed it before, I don't know, I found the second page... PURPLE SHADE OF BLACK and I read what was written there and the tears filled my eyes. For all the heartache I'm feeling right now, I know I'm not alone even in that. Misery does love company and I'm glad that mine has someone to talk to who'll truly understand. Life, love, friendships and sanity are hard to maintain, but we all struggle everyday in our own ways. Thank you for opening up in another way to share another facet of yourself. I can't tell you how much I love you or even why, but I know that my life isn't complete without you, and all the other blog family members, in it.

Here's to a long life of connecting through the box!

I Lost the Bet

2007-07-15T00:51:00.000-04:00

Today I knew that R would be spending time with his son, and by default, his ex. I also knew that he would be going out with a friend tonight so I made no assumption of seeing him. My mother, on the other hand, made a bet with me that he would find a reason to at least stop by. It was a bet that I happily lost.

He called when he was heading out to meet his friend just to talk a bit, or so I thought. Then he mentioned that his friend lived really close to me. I thought that's pretty cool, but still nothing to get jazzed about. Then he said "damn, your driveway is bumpy" and I knew I'd see his face if only for a moment. I can't quite explain what this is between us, but it's something that I feel isn't simply in my imagination. I don't think I can create a fantasy so strong that it pulls the other person completely in. For all that I allow him to see in me, I see that much back in him. He may play the charade that he isn't "attached" to me, but that just isn't true. He needs me almost as bad as I do him now and that's a good feeling to have.

Over the last 24 hours, I've seen more in his face and more in his actions than I have in the last 18 months. He's reached out and admitted that the feelings of wondering what the future hold come into his mind too. He contemplates what we can be and maybe what we should be and how to hold on to it and give it wings to grow. Understanding he's hesitant to bring me completely in, I wait patiently knowing that the door will open wide enough sooner than I may be ready for. There is no doubt that I love him and the doubt of his emotions for me are dwindling quickly. After having a long talk with my mother, I realized that the "need for speed" in all this is totally unwarranted and that she can see he's sincere in his actions, cares deeply for me and that I should just take life as it is and enjoy the time I have with him. She also said that I needed to stop worrying about the ex because I can't control it anyway... you know, she's absolutely right.

Today in all was a good day. I spent it with my daughter and mother, I went and pampered myself with getting my nails done and I saw the man who makes my heart flutter and my cheeks glow. I'm not sure how this all came to be, I don't know what fate has in store, but I'm ready for it all again. And with that confidence of facing each day renewed, I have to admit that R hasn't only been good for me emotionally, but he's been amazing at helping me see the deeper parts of me. I've taken to really checking myself out in the mirror, seeing the beauty that's me and the drive to be better. I'm working so much harder on my weight and my overall appearances that it's kind of scary. I'm determined to hit my goals and exceed them when I can. I feel more like a woman, even when I'm hurting, that I have in a very long time. He tells me that I'm beautiful and I'm almost ready to believe him. He touches me and I know that I excite him. We talk and I seem to open him up to more than he's thought about. It blows me away to know that I've found someone who stimulates every single part of me.

No more fantasies or expectations, no more grouping him in with the rest, no more thinking it will all end because of me not being enough... Nope, this could be the one and I could be better for it even if he isn't.

Through Hell and Back

2007-07-14T00:42:00.000-04:00

This has been one of the worst weeks I've had in a very long time. As you all know I'm madly and completely in love with R. There is no way around the subject and I can't hide it for shit, so I don't attempt to anymore. I'm more out of the closet with it than a drag queen at the gay pride parade. Each day over the last four months has been filled with his presence. I can't even begin to tell you how many hours we've spent either on the phone or online with each other talking. Let's just say his last cell phone bill showed more than 4,000 minutes being used, thank goodness he has free incoming!

Anyway, I found out that his ex is now not moving out into her own place, but got conveniently laid off from her job and is staying living with him at his mother's. She's attempting to play it like she still wants to be with R, but I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that her girlfriend (no I didn't studder) has decided things were moving way too fast between them and wants to take it slow. I feel her decision to stay is more of a monetary thing than really wanting to be with him, but who really knows. I don't care that she's there, but I thought R had denied knowing me in the way that he does. Simply put, I thought he had blown me off as a casual acquaintance and I was pissed. I sent an email telling him what I thought of the entire situation, how I felt about him and what I expected if we continued this "relationship". He got ticked and said that he needed time to sort things out. This was fine except when the silence hit me.

Keep in mind this is a person I've spent 4,000 minutes talking to, so it really got to me quickly. After only a couple of days, I began sending awful, judgmental IMs to him and threatened to remove him from everything. This only infuriated him more, so the silence continued. My mind raced more and more than it had before and I figured the absolute worst was about to happen. She had won him back over and he was dumping me without so much as a word being said. I just knew, without doubt, that he had decided I wasn't worth even a solid goodbye and that fueled my fire even more to be hateful and cold.

Finally, today, the silence was broken. He asked me why I had insisted on grouping him with everyone else when he'd only asked for a little time to get things straightened out. It didn't occur to me until that moment that is exactly what I had done. I assumed that he was going to be like everyone else in my past and leave me behind. I assumed I had served my purpose and he had discarded me. I assumed wrong!

Tonight on his way home from work, he came by the house unannounced. He quietly walked in and expected a grand reception, but the "Queen of Ice" stood her ground. I wasn't budging in any way. He's the one who asked to be hugged and then insisted that we have a talk. We walked into the bedroom and I told him coldly that his things were on the dresser if he wanted to get them and go. (Yeah, I can be a bitch when necessary.) He looked at me like I had punched him in the gut and asked again why I was acting this way. I told him that I would not be hidden or blown off and he replied with "so you don't believe I really told her about you?" I shook my head no and turned to find him opening his cell and calling her right then and there. He told her "I'm at T's, don't know how long I'll be here, does Mom need anything brought home?" She asked what and he repeated himself and you could tell she was pissed and hung up. He closed the phone and said "now, do you believe me?" With shame, I admitted that I was surprised and convinced. I had no idea that he was being honest with me about the whole situation and I felt like crawling under a rock and dying.

After that we continued talking about what had mad each of us angry and why it bothered us so bad to push the other away. We both admitted that we needed each other and that we'd have to find the patience and time to deal with all of it before making a bad decision. I understand he doesn't want me to feel like the "rebound" and he understands that I can't go back to being the "dirty little secret". We agreed that our trips will go on as planned and that we wouldn't be changing simply because the unlikely events had occured. Now, we're back to good and trying to figure it all out. Tonight I may actually sleep soundly knowing that my friend and my love hasn't left completely.

Blog Roll

2007-07-10T12:36:00.001-04:00

Just wanted to make a request to everyone who reads my blog, please leave me a comment or email me. I'd like the opportunity to visit each of your blogs and possibly add you to my blog roll. I know there are tons of interesting folks out there and I want to get to know you better!

Have a great day! Looking forward to the new reads.

I've Been Tagged!

2007-07-10T10:55:00.001-04:00

I WAS TAGGED BY AUNTSISSYFAYE, so THIS IS HOW IT WORKS...
EACH PLAYER MUST POST THESE RULES FIRST...
(1) EACH PLAYER STARTS WITH EIGHT RANDOM FACTS/HABITS ABOUT THEMSELVES, (2) PEOPLE TAGGED NEED TO WRITE THEIR OWN BLOG ABOUT THEIR 8 THINGS
AND (3) POST THESE RULES AT THE END OF YOUR BLOG, YOU NEED TO CHOOSE EIGHT PEOPLE TO TAG AND
LIST THEIR NAMES. DON'T FORGET TO LEAVE THEM A COMMENT TELLING THEM THEY ARE TAGGED AND TO READ YOUR BLOG

NOW HERE ARE MY EIGHT THINGS...
1. I bite my fingernails.
2. I believe "Women's Liberation" backfired on the succeeding generations.
3. I was in a baton twirling group when I was 10 years old.
4. My mother didn't want me when I was born because I wasn't a boy.
5. I sucked my bottle until I was 5 years old.
6. I often hold "what if" conversations with myself just to see what I'd say.
7. When I touch someone I often close my eyes hoping that I can remember the sensation longer.
8. I'm terrified of growing old alone and dying not knowing what the love of a man feels like.

These are some of my secrets, now I'm gonna be froggy and NOT tag anyone (most people I know have already been tagged), but whoever reads this blog of mine is more than welcome to play along.

Our First Real Date

2007-06-26T17:41:00.001-04:00

Friday was a "me" day. I did something I don't think I've ever done. I went shopping at lunch time and bought me some new clothes. I hit Old Navy and found the cutest pleated, denim, mini skirt in a size that was significantly smaller than I was anticipating. I also found a few shirts on clearance that were awesome to both go with the skirt and other pieces in my closet. On my way home from work I stopped and got my hair trimmed and, thanks to R, got my nails done and a full pedicure, both french manicure. I felt like a woman, I felt pretty and pampered, but most of all, I felt good. I didn't even let it faze me that I was spending money I didn't really have, I just did it without regard at all and it felt pretty damn good.

Anyway, the reason for the shopping and self-indulgence was for my first official date with R. What started out to be two couples turned into us going solo. I didn't mind that as much as I did the idea of him seeing me with make-up and dressed. We've been seeing each other for a year and a half, but he's NEVER seen me all fixed up. Knowing this, I left myself open for his honest criticism or approval. I told him that if the skirt wasn't appropriate or just didn't look right to please tell me so I could change and not embarrass us both. So, off to the bathroom I went to primp and parade before he got there.

He called and said that he was on his way and my heart began to race. I asked my mom why this was happening and she said because it's ya'll first date. Now this didn't occur to me until she said it, but she was right. This was our first official date, before it was merely meeting up for dinner with little to no preparation. This however, was planned, invited, dressed accordingly for and anticipated. It may be the first REAL date I've ever been on in my life. Anyway, R showed up, came into the house, saw me and smiled from ear to ear. I could tell instantly that he was pleased with what he saw. In that moment, I realized that I could be the old person I once was and I felt alive.

R was so handsome and he smelled so good. I hugged him and breathed him in before we walked out the door. We made it to the end of the drive when he stopped the car and turned to me and told me how nice I looked and how he really liked the outfit. All I could do was blush. I'm so not use to compliments that I'm not sure what to say when I get one other than "thank you".

Finally, we made it to the restaurant/bar. We waited patiently for a table to come open, which really wasn't a big deal since we talk so easily. Got seated and had dinner. The conversation and laughter poured and I enjoyed myself immensely. We decided to bypass the bar for a while and go through the mall. The stores were closing so we landed in Borders. In there we walked around allowing our eyes to lead us from one direction to the other. We discussed books, movies, music and anything else we found interesting.

An hour or more passed before we decided to head back to the bar. We walked in, the bad was taking a break, found a seat at the bar and ordered. He was the DD, so I indulged. One shot of Jack and One Lynchburg Lemonade... YUMMY! We chatted a bit more and listened to the piped in music and waited on the band. They took the floor (there was no stage, it was a patio type bar). and began to play. Talking about sucking big time... THEY DID! R asked me to drink fast so we could leave, so that's what we did.

On the way home, we decided to play a little in the car. It's a good thing he can maintain when he's on the receiving end of things. I'd never be able to do that if I were behind the wheel. There are some things that consume me when it happens and orgasms are one of them. Anyway, we played all the way home and then went in to watch a bit of television before heading to bed for more "playing".

All in all, it was an amazing night. I realized that who I am is more than enough to make him smile. I saw for the first time in a long time the woman I've missed being. I felt alive and good about my life, my body, my love and my prospects of tomorrow. The date was just the key opening the door, I'm sure there'll be many more to write about.

On Cruise Control

2007-06-19T14:56:00.000-04:00

I have become so slack on keeping my blog rolling that I'm almost ashamed to post anything at this point. I suppose the addage "misery loves company" is true because when things aren't so good it's easier to come pour my soul out than when I'm happy. And I am happy right now... extremely happy in fact. No, I didn't win the lottery or land a huge promotion and raise, but I just feel things are going in the right direction and I'm not even sure who's driving!

CM is the absolute greatest source of joy for me on most days. I say most because there are those days when all I'd really like to have is complete silence; however, days like that are growing fewer as we go. The things this child says blows me away. Half the time I can't figure out where or from who she's learned these things, but she knows them and knows them well. She uses words like nocturnal and peculiar and I know I don't use those words often at all. I suppose all children are sponges like this, but considering she's my first... I'm amazed daily!

Beyond her vocal abilities, CM is growing emotionally. She's opened up so much more to men and I know that it's all thanks to R. With him, she's seen that not all men are gruff and apt to swing a mood at a drop of a hat. She realizes that she's not a nuisance or in the way. And he makes her laugh and smile when he acknowledges her. My heart melts when I see him take her small hand in his or when he reaches over without prompting to help her at dinner. I could not have asked for a better man to come into our lives. Considering the length of time we've been seeing each other, I also invite him to correct her when she needs it. Most people would think this is a bit much, but I want her to understand that his authority is something to be respected same as mine. Also, I don't want her to think she can use him as a scapegoat for her bad behavior. I refuse to allow her to be a brat simply because he's around and giving her attention.

As for me and R, well we're still trying to figure out what we are and where we're going. Fate obviously brought us together and hopefully it will be strong enough to carry us along until we find "home". We've shared so many hours on the phone that I can't believe we still have things to say to each other. Our time together has been so much more relaxed too. I haven't felt this comfortable with anyone in a very long time. And he's actually perceptive enough to see how cozy I'm getting with him. (blushing) It's like he knows everything without me saying a single word. He may not call it love, but it's something far different than friends and neither of us argue that fact.

The shroud of darkness has been lifted too. The confines of shadow and secrecy are no longer there. We've ventured out quite a bit more than we have before. And we're discussing upcoming plans of trips and weekend excursions both with and without the kids. I also got what I was wishing but didn't ask for... he told HER a little about me. Of course he didn't go into the amount of time we've been "friends" or the extent of our friendship, but he did recognize CM and I to her and his son. With that door open, it leaves room for us to venture down the path of "family" type outtings. I know that this will please CM beyond belief. I made mention he had a son and that's all she can manage to talk about sometimes. She's very curious and determined to have a big brother, so let's see what the cards hold.

All this sounds wonderful and like a dream come true, but there are still shades of grey in there. Now that I've been "discussed", I'm terrified. I want to be the recipient of the same kind of love I'm giving so badly that I'm not sure if I've pushed this along or if Fate truly was working the controls. I want it all to happen while being on "Cruise Control". I don't want either of us to push or settle simply to save us from being alone or risking the chance of losing the other. You can't believe how attached I think we are and how scary it is to think of a single day passing without hearing his voice. I'm in deep, so deep in fact that I'm willing to sacrifice my stand on being married before living with someone again. Yep, I buckled and asked him to consider living with me once he figures out what he wants. I couldn't help it. I sleep so much better when he's beside me, like nothing in the world can touch me or hurt me again. He doesn't know it, but he's already saved me.

Now, it's all a matter of time and tide. Jali, I was open with my limits, but those limits closed themselves off. Things are falling into place it seems, I hope we're wise enough to stand clear and let it happen.

Life in the... Wait, What lane am I in anyway?

2007-06-02T22:44:00.000-04:00

There are days when it feels like life is passing at the speed of light, other times, it's barely moving at all. When I look at my daughter, time is fleeting and I can hardly believe that she's approaching her fourth birthday. Where has all the time gone? How much have I missed or taken for granted? What else will happen before that most wonderful day? See, like most mothers, I celebrate her life far more than I celebrate my own. There is more joy and laughter in hers. Love isn't something wished for but something given in spades without expectations.

I took her for her check-up with the nephrologist and it was a bit disappointing. Her blood pressure is still elevated, she's up by five pounds (NOT GOOD) and she's grown almost an inch in eight weeks. I swear the child is going to be a giant in comparison to me. Height wise that is a very good thing; standing at 4'11" I can honestly say that there is nothing promising about being too short to reach the top shelf. Weight wise, I'm worried for my baby girl. I've been obese my entire life and still am fighting with it. What I've gone through over the years is not something I want for her. Not that she has to be thin as a rail for me to love or be proud of her, but I don't want her to suffer the ridicule and alienation. Kids are brutal creatures and tongues can be sharp, I just don't want her to ever feel less than anyone. Next step is more bloodwork to find if there is anything wrong with any thyroid or insulin functions.

After the report from the doctor, we stopped at the Hair Cuttery. CM has been on me for over two months now to have her hair cut short so we did it. She is now sporting the most adorable layered "bob" I've ever seen. Her hair appears darker and so much thicker. I truly envy her healthy follicles. Now this typically wouldn't be the cause of any discomfort, but in our case it definately does. Since we've been attending the Pentecostal church we've heard a million times how women are NOT suppose to cut their hair to any degree. "If you trim it, you might as well shave it." Considering one woman was asked to leave because of cutting her daughter's hair last year, I'm expecting quite the confrontation about it. I respect our pastor, however, I don't do so well with "do as I say, not as I do" type mentalities. He allows his daughter (15) to get her hair cut on a regular basis, but continuously preaches about it being so wrong. This is my leg to stand on when the confrontation takes place. If he feels that it's so incredibly wrong then shouldn't he be pushing this "rule" in his own home before bringing it to the pulpit?

As bad as it sounds, I'm won't be all that heartbroken if I'm asked to leave. For the past six months I've felt like I was living under a microscope. It's a small church, 20 members at most, and every little thing that I or my mother does generally leads to the following Sunday's sermon. I don't think that I'm without fault and don't deserve to be "preached" at regarding certain issues; however, I don't like knowing that I'm singled out. I miss church, I receive an email about how it's more important than anything else in my life; someone else misses and it's excused away quickly and without comment of any kind. I just can't function this way. Not to mention, I have a real big problem believing that God is so concerned with our outward appearances that we cannot cut our hair, wear jewelry or make-up. Moreso than that, I cannot and will not ever see myself as less than any man and bow down to him and lose myself in the process. So, if this is what is meant to be... then so be it. Prayer and faith is about the person, not the place in which it happens.

Then there are the issues of my "personal" life. I'm in such turmoil right now that I'm not sure what to do or think. I'm consumed by this man. First thought is of him, last voice I want to hear is his and I fantasize about the mundane. I want to be the one that hears the alarm that rings to wake him early in the morning, I want to grocery shop together and stand side by side washing dishes. It's crazy how most women despise such things while I crave them like chocolate. I'm trying desperately to be patient and wait things out to see what happens naturally with time, but I grow weary. Knowing that he's had his girlfriend's girlfriend shoved down his throat continuously for the last month has put a bad taste in my mouth. It's okay for her to acknowledge what she's doing and with whom she's doing it with; however, my name is still unmentionable. I feel like he's more ashamed than just playing it safe at this point. I know that his life and family are going through transitions right now, but I feel it's time for him to stop allowing this woman to control the entire situation and him make a "confession" about where his interests lie. Playing pretend is getting old when the roles never change.

As stupid as it may sound, I've given myself time limits. Certain things have got to change (progress) in order for me to stay involved in this. I'd rather lose it all than stand in shadows forever. I will not remain the "friend with benefits" when I'm not receiving all the benefits of being with him. I want the dates, the movies, the dinners and the recognition of having some place beside him. If I can't have it then I have nothing. Living lies and dodging life is not the game plan I want to act on.

It's all wrong, but it's alright!

2007-05-22T12:31:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was probably the best weekend I've had in a very long, LONG time. R got there late Friday night and we slipped into our typical routine. We talked a bit, sat close for a while and then sauntered into the bedroom to call it a night. He feels so bad when he falls asleep before me but I totally understand that he gets up before the chickens, works in the elements and is extremely tired by 11 at night. It isn't a big deal to me and all I really care about is that I can fall asleep hearing him breathe, knowing that he's beside me. Crazy as it is, I sleep so much better with him there. And it isn't just the fact that its "someone" there, because other folks who've shared my bed haven't given me the same comfort, it's specifically HIM.

Saturday morning we woke early and spent some time playing around enjoying each other. We laughed and talked for a while before ever getting out of bed. The warmth of his arms around me, his breath on my neck, the sound of his early morning voice and my heart racing makes the day start so much better. I could have laid there with him indefinately, but that couldn't happen. We made plans to go to the Renaissance Festival. CM and I had never been, so I think it was something special for R to take us. We had breakfast at the Waffle House on the way and got to the festival shortly after opening. The weather was absolutely perfect. The day was going to be amazing. CM did better than I anticipated, but I kind of wish that it was just the two of us having a day together seeing what they had, talking, but I loved the point that he didn't mind her being there with us. In fact, he's wonderful with her in every way I can think of. He doesn't mind her constant talking or her questions, but we could work on her respect issues towards me. Anyway, on the way back to the house, she fell asleep in the car and we enjoyed some silence and some quiet conversation.

Sunday morning I woke first, tip-toed out to make a pot of coffee and reflect on the weekend I had so far. I sat still thinking how exceptionally comfortable it all felt. Knowing that it is wrong in every sense of the word doesn't change the fact that something in me believes it all has to be for a purpose. Fate is a strange thing, I refuse to believe we are all ambling around aimlessly, but rather believe we are driven by something greater than ourselves into and out of people's lives. "God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go." Plus, loving someone regardless of how it happens can't be all wrong... at least I hope it isn't.

CM got up and came into the living room so I decided it was time to wake R too. I walked in and kissed him good morning and our day began again. He got up out of bed, got dressed and prepared for us the most wonderful omelets. Appearing to be totally okay cooking in my kitchen, I marveled at how much in his own element he seemed to be. Nothing strained or uncomfortable about R as he stood there making breakfast for us... all of us. The feeling of it being for a purpose enveloped me as I smiled. After breakfast we went outside to get his laundry out of the van and clean it out for this week. CM and I "helped" by keeping company and holding the garbage bag open. The music played, the conversation kept going and the sun kissed us gently.

CM grew weary of being outside and went in, R decided he was ready to have "the talk" with me. I wanted to hear it, to know where my place was but feared hearing the worse. I had built myself up to hear that I was a friend, best friend, but nothing more in any way. I anticipated holding back while my heart silently shattered inside my chest; instead, what I got was a beautiful man standing with his arms around me telling me how I had grown into something more to him too. He told me how I had gone from a simple friend to a friend with benefits to something entirely different that neither of us anticipated in the beginning. I'm sure at that moment I exhaled. He didn't profess his undying love, but it's a place to start. It's nice to know that all I've seen hasn't been just my dilusions of grandeur, but something with real substance to it. My loving him hasn't been in vain and could possibly grow into something more, something amazing, something that endures. Only time will tell....

CM and my mom went to church while R and I stayed home for some private time together. This man can turn me inside out quicker than any man I've ever known. It's like a perfect fit for us and I can't get enough of him. The way his skin feels next to mine is like a drug. Seeing his face above me is intoxicating. I can't find all the words and phrases to explain what my body, my heart, my soul feel when we are in those moments together; all I do know for certain is it's mind-blowing for me. After we were done, R took a shower and I anticipated the arrival of my child. We, R, CM and I, went to Walmart to grocery shop, we picked up rotisserie for dinner and headed home. We did laundry, we got him ready for Monday morning and I felt my heart drop a bit when it was time to go to bed. I just didn't want the weekend to end. Not yet, not this soon. Damnit, couldn't we have one more day? Just one more, not a lifetime, just one more day to feel this good, this happy, this normal and this in love? Nope, it wasn't to be, so the morning came. The clock went off, his arms wrapped around me and we began to talk. After a little while he got up, got dressed and began loading his things. I kissed and hugged him goodbye, whispered a little prayer for his drive as he pulled away and I returned to my life.

I wouldn't have traded this weekend for all the money in the world. The discussions we had, the time spent together, all of it was absolutely priceless to me. Not knowing what the future holds for either of us or our situation/relationship, I'm holding these days close to me. I'm filing them away into that special place that the most precious of moments are caught, labeled and carefully packed away until we need something warm to wrap around us. Life is good... real good!

A Night, A Morning, A Day!!!

2007-05-13T00:41:00.000-04:00

This week has been a little of both, good and bad, but it's all relative. I anticipated hearing something from the partners concerning the request I made to borrow money. My boss decided he wasn't going to do it personally, so it came down to a discussion between the three partners. From the moment J said this, I knew it was a no go situation, but I kept hoping to be wrong. It took them till Friday to let me know something and it was exactly what I expected. Nope, they won't do it! After nine years of working for a company, going four+ years without a raise, taking on the workload of three ex-employees, losing my "salary" status after my maternity leave, excepting the reduction in hours and maintaining a somewhat good outlook overall means absolutely DICK to these SOBs!

The worst part about all of this bitching is that I can't quit. Since I don't have a high school diploma or anything beyond that, I can't go somewhere else and start off at what I'm making now. I've checked into other positions and it would be a minimal $6 per hour pay cut until I gained experience. Companies don't give a damn that I've done the job for nine years or that I know what I'm doing, they'd prefer to have a piece of paper that says I'm suppose to know what I'm doing. And trust me, after working with a college grad in the office for the past month or so, I know that a sheep skin doesn't mean they know their ass from a hole in the ground. It's embarrassing to know that my situation is so incredibly glum and have very few, to no options while snot-nosed kids who don't know shit get the good jobs.

Oh well, I didn't allow all this to ruin my life or my weekend. Thursday I had a Fed Ex package filled with bottles of various wines arrive at my house and plans for a good Friday night. There's no need in me saying that I had company, it's kind of a regular thing now. R came over for his weekly rendevous. He chatted with my mom a bit more than usual, but I think that's a good thing. Mom also exerted herself a bit more too. Perhaps it was the bloody marys she drank, but she was almost cordial. It isn't that she doesn't like R, but she is worried about her baby getting hurt. (Typical mother thing!) I promised CM that she could stay up and visit with R for a while and he is always so good with her. He talks to her and interacts with her on a level that has made her fall in love with him too. Not knowing whether it's good or bad, I allow things to move between them on its own accord. After a little while passed, I told CM she had to go to bed, without another word, she went and hugged R and he picked her up and took her to bed. Minutes later he comes out and she calls me in for my sugar and was smiling from ear to ear telling me that R had tucked her in and said goodnight. (Damn!, if only her dad were half as good with her as R is, things could be different.)

After the child was tucked in, the mother passed out, we popped in a movie and the corks off the wine. The first wine, a peach mead, was a bit strong, but okay. Definately better once it had chilled to maximum coldness! The second taste was an elderberry honeywine. That was very smooth and quite appealing to the palette. R liked it quite a bit and had several glasses. We cuddled up on the sofa and laughed our asses off at "Beerfest". (Definately recommend it if you haven't seen it.) It was so nice to be in that kind of slow paced setting. We just snuggled together and enjoyed being with each other. It still amazes me how comfortable R feels in my house and with my family. Not many people in the situation we're in would feel the same, but he's okay with it all and that makes me feel closer to him than I probably should.

I won't go into the details of our night together, but I'm sure it's pretty evident what happened when the door closed and the lights went off. But I will say that I sleep so much more sound and comfortable when he's there beside me. I typically toss and turn all night and wake numerous times, with him there, I fall asleep and stay that way until the clock sounds the next morning. And that is what I had last night with the exception of one very weird dream. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either, it was just a bit unnerving. (Keep in mind I see myself in my dreams, kind of third person observation.) I was walking down a street, it was dark, but not nighttime. I could hear the sound of laughter and crying, so I walk towards it. The sound grows more into crying as the laughter dies away and I get closer to it. The street is deserted, but there is litter everywhere. In the fringes of the light, I can see shadows playing back and forth in front and behind me. There are no other people on the street except me, but something, someone is there. I can feel them just out of reach and I can hear the breathing, but there's nothing in any direction. The crying stops and I stop, I look around me and I can see this shadow lingering just slightly to the right of me. I reach out my hand and this shadow does the same, it's cold and warm all at the same time. It's firm like a hand, but there is no substance, then a face, a face directly in front of me. No not a face, a shining glow with eyes that connect to something deeper inside of me. He, it, smiles and says quietly "it's time to come with me, the crying stops here". I feel the pull of me and my feet begin to lift off the ground and then the crying comes back. It's not my tears, but CM's. She's crying, blowing kisses and waving to me as I'm lifting up. I jerk my hand back scream as loud as I can "NO!" and fall to the ground.

I sat straight up in bed. I didn't want to know what I had done or if that thing would come back and force me to leave, but I wasn't taking a chance of seeing where the destination was. It was unnerving to feel myself leave my daughter behind. I don't care what tears I shed or hardships I face, I can't imagine for one second leaving her to stop my own sadness. And as I sat there in the darkness hearing R breathe beside me I wondered what it all meant. Was I sacrificing CM for anything that made me happy? Was what I doing with R hurting her or pulling me away from her in anyway? Why would I ever HAVE to leave her behind? Even in death I pray that I can keep hold of some part of her and leave a part of me behind. Her love, laughter, happiness and life are all that truly matter to me and I'd never forsake any part of that for myself. Regardless of what I think is good and true, nothing is more perfect and pure than her love for me or mine for her. So, I laid back down in the darkness, thanked God for her being my blessing and found sleep once again until the sun shown through the cracks in the curtains.

This morning we, CM, Mom and I, were going to have breakfast with the ladies from church. It was kind of a Mother's Day breakfast and a time for the ladies to fellowship together. Jokingly, I asked R to join us knowing he couldn't stay any longer. When we got to the end of the road R was pulled over to the side. I assumed he was making a phone call home and was just being safe, but he pulled out behind me. Nothing unusual with this considering he travels the same way I was going. I headed onto interstate and he followed. This I thought was a bit strange, but I didn't let it bother me. Then when he passed all the exits that he could have gotten off of to go home, I began to wonder if something was wrong with my car or with him. Then I thought that couldn't be cause he'd just call my cell and tell me instead of following me. I pulled into the restaurant and he pulled in too. I parked, he parked. He comes walking across the parking lot just about the time the pastor's wife is heading towards us. CM runs towards him and he smiles and said, "does the offer still stand?" I smiled and nodded my head. He said no one would be home until after 11 and that he really didn't want to leave when he did.

With his arm around me, we walked into the place and I made minor introductions of who he was and who the ladies were as they joined us at the tables. Silently we agreed that we didn't care what everyone thought about him being there and I was on cloud nine to have him with me a bit longer. At the buffet line he offered to help fix CM's plate and took her back to the table with him. I chatted with one of the ladies that was in our party and she commented on how good he was with CM. When we got back to the table, I found my daughter sitting beside R with a big smile on her face and him helping cut her pancakes and open her milk. We chatted and sipped coffee waiting on the question to be asked, but none came. All the ladies were very nice and respectful to R and I was pleased to be out in the open with him.

Then the time came for him to leave, but we were staying a while longer to chat. I excused myself from the table and walked R to his van. I told him that I really appreciated him joining us and that it was a total surprise that he had. He smiled and said that it was good we kept each other guessing. He's right, it is. It's nice not being so use to someone that you take advantage of them. I hope, regardless of what happens, that I never take this incredible man for granted. He's become so much to me and to CM that I can't imagine a day in my life without him in it in some way. Truly a friend and there's always the possibility for more, but only time will tell that story.

As for me, I sauntered back in and sat back down with the ladies. Waiting for them to begin the interrogation, I sipped my coffee and didn't volunteer any information. Nothing much was said to me, but I questioned Mom when we left. The only comment made was by the pastor's wife. She said that R was incredible with CM and that CM appeared so much more at ease with him than with her own dad. She also said that he seemed to make me happy and comfortable and that that can't be all wrong even if he isn't part of our church. Tomorrow is a different story, I feel I may be questioned by the pastor himself, but I'm prepared to tell him that R is someone important to me and that I don't believe meetings of any kind are by chance alone, but have meaning even if we aren't sure what it is. I'm also prepared to thank the ladies for not being angry at me for bringing a man with me. I think in retrospect they'll appreciate it more if I show my appreciation for them.

After that, we went to the pet store and bought some chew sticks for the hamster and an exercise ball so she doesn't get fat. CM's dad called and asked to come get her for a little while. This shocked the hell out of me, scared me a bit and made me slightly happy. I figure it's about time he started taking her to do things. What floored me more was the fact he came to get her to make me something for Mother's Day! He took her back to the grocery store that he works at and had a lady in the bakery help her decorate a cake just for me. CM loved it and had a good time. At first she was hesitant to go without me, but it turned out to be a good thing. When they got back, she talked non-stop about decorating it and how good it was going to be, so we all had a piece of cake and celebrated the day.

Yep, it's been a good and bad week, but it's all relative! And to all those wonderful moms that I've grown to know and love, and even those that I don't... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Being Strong is Overrated

2007-05-06T23:24:00.000-04:00

I've always prided myself on finding ways to make things work out. No matter what the situation, I figure out a way to keep going. Nothing has ever beaten me to the point of throwing in the towel, but I'm figuring out that having strength is severely overrated. What good is it to be able to hold the world on your shoulders when it's crumbling anyway?

I don't claim to be a financial wizard by any means and I've made some pretty damning decisions concerning my bank account on more than one occasion. This time though it could cost me the farm literally. I made a personal loan a while back to pay off hospital bills, a loan with my boss and numerous other things thinking it would benefit me greatly in the end. In fact, it was a loan that had money left to get, $3000 to be exact after a few car repairs and incidentals. Thinking it would be wise to pay my mortgage out of this remaining amount and get a bit more ahead with the cash on hand, I wrote the check and sent it in. Then I call to check on the payment of my homeowners insurance to find that that payment had been rejected by the "bank" (a/k/a the loan company). For no reason whatsoever, they had cancelled my loan out and had taken back the $3000 that was left available to me.

Fuck, fuck and double fuck! I was a payment behind on my mortgage with another due by the 16th of this month. How the hell am I gonna make this shit happen when I've already spent my cash money paying other bills? Can't squeeze blood out of a turnip and right now I was the rotten fucking turnip! There is no way living payday to payday that I can possibly get caught up and keep my lights on and food bought. Not to mention, my child's foot is growing like there's a cash tree in the damn front yard. I'm down and out and don't know how to fix this shit.

Thinking feverishly, I call the mortgage company back to find out my options... NOTHING!!! I have no options. My income to outgoing ratio is ridiculous and she can't understand how I'm living now let alone paying this missed payment in installments over the next few months. Then I asked could the one payment be rolled to the end of the loan, nope, can't do that either because I haven't had the mortgage long enough. The only option I have right now is to pay the one due and continue to look a month behind. Now I know this doesn't sound like the end of the world, but considering I'm the only breadwinner in the house, if something happens and I miss another payment, it's foreclosure time.

So, I do what I hated doing more than anything else in the entire world. I humbled myself, swallowed my pride and asked my boss personally for a loan. Not just a loan to pay my behind payment, but a loan big enough to pay the loan I made off in its entirety and the mortgage payment. I stressed to him how hard things were with the rising cost of gas and all the days I've had to miss with CM's lump issues and overrall health problems right now. I told him that I hated asking and wouldn't if I had any other option, but I was begging for help and he was the only one I knew who could. I stressed that nine years of working for him had to count for something and that he knew he could trust me even if it meant being a maid for him to pay the damn loan back in the long run. Needless to say instead of giving me an answer immediately, he chose to take the ideas home with him and tell me on Monday morning. God knows I need the help and hopefully He'll work in J's heart this weekend and he'll have pity on me. (And if a raise comes from it too, I won't be angry.)

With all this happening to me, I got to thinking how lucky some people are to have someone there to share the problems and harships with. I've carried all the burdens of life on my own for a long, long time. Even when I was married I didn't have someone to tell me things would get better or stand strong beside me. They say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but damn who wants to be Wonder Woman now days anyway? I damn sure don't. I'd prefer to fall into someone's arms and cry and be weak for a moment. I want to hand the wheel to my partner and say "baby, you drive a while". The closest I have to that right now is my friendship with R and even that isn't comforting to me in times like this. Hell, I can't even call him if I break down on the side of interstate on the way home, how can he help other than words of encouragement?

I suppose this is just another test in my life to see what I'm made of. It won't defeat me, I won't go down without a fight and I will make this work too. Take a deep breath, a deeper drink of something strong and take the next step. That's life as I know it... one more step past the one I just made.

Surgery, Pathology and Everything Else

2007-05-01T17:19:00.000-04:00

CM had her surgery on April 26th and she was amazingly brave. There were a few instances of momentary tears, but overall, she did great. Lucky for me that she was being so strong, it helped make me strong. It took forever to get her ready for surgery simply for the fact they didn't appear to have enough help, but that's typical in hospitals now days isn't it? They eventually got around to giving her the "loopy juice" and she was feeling no pain in a very short time. As I watched her try to make sentences and stay sitting upright, it occured to me that this is what I MUST look like when I'm drunk. At one time she turns to me and smiles, losing the balance war and falls to her left, again she finds me with those big, beautiful, blue eyes of hers and says "Mommy, I just love you so". My heart melted because I knew at that moment more than any before it that she didn't have the capacity to please me, but truly felt that way. Shortly after that they wheeled her down to surgery. Thinking this was gonna be the big scene where she's screaming and I'm crying my eyes out, she just kind of turns and smiles at me and says "see ya later Mom". I went to smoke a cigarette, grab a cup of coffee and head back to the waiting room. Back on the floor, our pastor had gotten there to visit with us and to check on CM. His visit helped with the wait, what short one it was. Before I reached the bottom of my vending machine cup, the doctor was there telling us what they had found.

The doctor's original idea of what it was was more than she cared to discuss at that moment, so she was very vague. They sent the lump to pathology and said they'd have results by Friday or Monday morning at the latest. Monday came and went and my heart was aching. I just assumed that the longer it takes the worse it has to be. Then today I called to check and still nothing from pathology. Scared, scared to death! My blessings have run out and my baby is sick! These are the horrible thoughts that have plagued me all day long. Finally my cell rings and it's the doctor.... "Please God let it be good". It was!!! Simple LIPOMA (fatty tissue) that had become extremely and unusually hard and discolored. They were a bit confused by this so they ran the tests multiple times to be certain without doubt. I was thankful and happy, relieved and blessed once again. God heard our prayers and he kept my baby girl safe and healthy. AMEN, and AMEN!!!

Now for the everything else. I went last week (April 20th) to visit my friend in Alabama. I drove down straight from work and got there around 7pm. He was playing a game on his laptop and I made myself to home. As I was lying there watching television, he quietly came behind me and wrapped his arms around me. Instantly I felt something, but I think it was more from myself than him. Either way, it felt warm and good to my skin, my heart and my soul. He kissed me softly, whispered on my neck and wanted me... ME!

After a little while of "playing" around, we got up and left for dinner. We sat there for close to two hours just enjoying our food and the conversation. And if anyone would ever overhear some of the things we talk about, they'd either blush or run screaming :) When dinner and dessert were over, we headed back to his room. We shared a little wine, a drink or two and then I exited to take my shower and prep for bed. When I came out, he was drifting in and out of sleep. When sleep won the battle, I got up turned off the television and lights and laid quietly in the darkness hearing him breathe. It was perfect, no sex involved, just closeness and hearing the rise and fall of his chest and feeling the warmth of his body next to mine... does it get any better than that?

Saturday morning was quite a different story. We had crazy sex before he had to go to work and I had to hop on interstate to come home. I know he wouldn't let me leave empty...um, yeah, empty. Okay, anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed getting up at 4am like that. No coffee necessary to get the juices flowing (a little pun intended). However, he did have to go to work and I had my beautiful 3 year old to come home to. So, he got dressed and ready to go and I putz around before leaving. The drive home was delightful as I recalled every second the last night. Again I felt warm, complete and, even in my own mind, loved just a little bit.

There's more to tell, but this is a good stopping point... till next time... hugs and love.

Getting To Know Me

2007-04-27T12:09:00.000-04:00

I got this from a couple of different folks whom I've had the pleasure of meeting through my blog, so I figured I'd respond the same way... ENJOY!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Yesterday

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Bologna (Beef preferably, but any will do)

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Just one :)

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Yes, but it depends on the company I'm in.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS ? Yep

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Already did it once, again wouldn't hurt me :)

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Grape Nuts

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Only if my feet swell

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG ? I know I'm strong

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Mint Chocolate Chip

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Smile

15. RED OR PINK? Pink

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My weight

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Granny and David (both deceased), followed closely by Paula and William (both just vanished)

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? I'd like to learn a few things, but no need to send it

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jean shorts and black sandals.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Martin's Hamburger

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Part Time Lover by Stevie Wonder

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? White, damn near impossible to be seen no matter how pretty the design or how hard you press.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? CM after a bath, Cucumber Melon and the scent of the man I love.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? A business associate

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes... all of them :D

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? On tv? Don't like sports since the dollar signs and egos got so inflated.

27. HAIR COLOR? Calico... naturally I have some blonde, some brown a little red... don't laugh I know it's FUCKED UP!!!

28. EYE COLOR? Blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No... glasses baby!

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Italian Food

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary Movies

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Pulp Fiction... I LOVE THAT MOVIE!!!

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer!!

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both... don't they go together :D

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Tarimisu.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? ???

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Blood Canticle by Anne Rice

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My mouse

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? Nothing, it was silent

42. FAVORITE SOUND? The laughter of my daughter and the sound of someone sleeping beside me

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? BEATLES

44. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Wyoming

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I'm a writer

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Natchitoches, Louisiana

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Whoever wants to answer

48. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG? Me and Bobby McGhee written by Kris Kristofferson and sang by Janis Joplin

The Flu and Being Happy

2007-04-19T16:03:00.000-04:00

I know it's rare to see those two words together; flu and happy, but that's what I've been doing lately. Last Thursday I left work early feeling like a 18-wheeler had ran over my back and lungs about 100 times consecutively. I couldn't breathe in without it hurting and tears filling my eyes. I got home, doped up and went to sleep and stayed in bed with the exception of the occasional bathroom trip until Saturday at 5pm. I just had no energy, no appetite and no desire to move at all. Every wiggle brought fits of coughing and the fever was damn near consuming of my flesh.

Then on Saturday, R came by to check in on me. He may belong to someone else, but I think I've managed to touch a spot deep inside of his heart. He's totally concerned about me and CM and for all the reasons it's wrong, it feels so right. Anyway, I'd like to say that we sat and had a wonderful, witty conversation, but we didn't. Instead he played with CM. It did my heart good to see her respond to him in that way. He got down to her level and talked to her and played WITH HER, which is more than I can say for her POS dad. On her own, without any reason whatsoever, she went up to R and wrapped her arms around him and hugged him as tight as she could. Then when he sat of the couch, she was right there beside him.

It's funny (though a little sad) how we both, CM and I, need him in our lives. We anticipate his visits and phone calls and it's a source of warmth and friendship, and maybe even a touch of love. R has a way of making you feel very comfortable and cared for. Something in the way he looks at you when you talk makes you realize what it means to be HEARD. CM is so much like me that she too needs the reaffirmation that she is wanted and loved by more than just the ones who are SUPPOSE to love you. So, as he sits there with a big smile on his face, our hearts are filling over the rim and running abound.

Needless to say, we didn't make it to church on Sunday. The flu still had me too weak and tired to really go, so I didn't go. Matter of fact, I'm searching inside myself to find a reason to continue going. I feel I can pray to God wherever I am and not have the idiot ideas of what is Right and Wrong as decided by one organized religion or another. I know how to read the Bible, I know how to drop to my knees to pray and I know how to ask for forgiveness without all the jumping through hoops. Mom asked if it had anything to do with the constant need of money by the church and it really isn't, although that does leave a bad taste in my mouth too. I give my 10% and that should cover my obligations, yet somehow, I always feel like they're expecting me to do more by the time they get through talking. Like I have so much to spare.

Not to mention, I really want to get a hair cut, a dye job, my nails and toes done and feel more than comfortable wearing my shorts for summer. No matter how they preach it to me, I don't think God really cares what we look like if our hearts are true. I can have piercings and tattoos covering my body, wear fishnets and a micro-mini, but have a heart of gold or I could wear modest clothing, be in church every time the doors open and go out and commit murder. Nothing inside of me has guilt for dressing a certain way or listening to music, reading books or watching television and movies, so why is that all I'm hearing about from the pulpit?

There is just so much going on inside my head today that I don't think I can get it all out. I will say that this weekend I'm taking a "night off" from my life. I'm driving down to Birmingham to stay with R tomorrow night. I'm gonna have a few drinks, a quiet dinner and then... well, you guys know what comes next :) Let's just hope that the drinks don't overload my mouth or my opinions; however, I do secretly hope their strong enough to open R up a bit to me. I'd like to know what ticks behind those beautiful brown eyes of his. Got some idea, but confirmation would be nice.

Well that's it for today folks... have a good one :)

What's New Pussycat?!?

2007-04-08T00:58:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I posted anything and not really sure where to start. Not that life is oh so exciting, but there have been some things going on. CM had her zoo field trip and she loved it. We spent six hours making certain we saw everything they had. Her favorite, of course, was the reptile house. The child is totally into bugs, snakes, turtles, lizards and anything else that grosses her mother out. We made the mistake of inviting one of the little girls and her mother and grandmother from church to go with us. They, the adults, whined the entire day about it being hot and about their feet/legs hurting. And the only thing I can say about the child is I'm quite positive she's somehow related, by blood, to Damien, the Omen child! All in all, we had a great time once we tuned them out and focused on our own fun. And CM was asleep before we even made it out of the parking lot.

Then we were scheduled to take a vacation to see family, but that got bumped out of the picture. It was two weeks ago Saturday that I was bathing CM and felt a knot inside her inner thigh. It is hard as a rock and nowhere near any lymphnodes. I thought I'd wait and see if it went away after a day or so, kind of like a muscle cramp. It didn't and I decided to call her pediatrician. They made an opening for her on Thursday morning. The doctor checked her out and made the evaluation that she was clueless as to what it could be and scheduled us for a visit with the pediatric surgeon. That appointment was for this past Monday. The surgeon checked and felt the knot then proceeded to examine the rest of her little body. Nothing, not one bump anywhere else. The doctor said the same thing, she was uncertain about what it could be, but she felt it needed to come out. We left with a surgery date of April 26th, so if anyone is the praying type... please do so for her (and me to be strong for her).

Then on Friday, CM had her appointment with her nephrologist. It was just a check up visit. She's gained three pounds (now 62) from somewhere and has grown another inch (3'5"), give or take, since her appointment just six weeks ago. This child is destined to be so much taller than me and that makes me happy cause it sucks being 4'11 3/4". Anyway, her blood pressure is still too high, so we doubled the meds and are going back in June to check again. The next appointment will also include a visit with the nutritionist who can shed some light on what I'm doing wrong food wise and what I should be doing from here on out to help with the blood pressure and weight.

Hopefully this is the last of it for a while with the doctor's appointments. I know the surgery is coming up, but we could do without anything new joining in. It's exhausting having a child with issues like this. And it's frustrating too. Nothing I do is helping her. I've cut out soft drinks, I don't let her eat junk food all the time, I don't buy candy to keep at the house and I've bought a exercise trampoline for her to play on and take her out walking when I have time and the weather let's us. I am at my end here. I've been obese my entire life and it kills me to see her so chunky. I love her, every little inch of her belly roll included, but I just want her healthier and happier than I was as a child. The ridicule and isolation I felt (and still feel associated with it) is heartbreaking. God willing, I will learn what I need to to get her back on track.

Then there is the issue of me personally, nothing new going on. I've been spending more time with R, good or bad as that may be to some, and I'm happy for the moment. He's making great effort to spend as much time as possible with me. Knowing that it may amount to a big pile of steaming NOTHING, it's what I have and want for now. Come summer, when the out of town work ends, things may seriously change and we've decided to take every opportunity we can to just be together. We know that the friendship will still be there, but depending on the demands from "upper management" the with benefits part may have to be removed from the title. And that's okay too. Nothing stays the same in life and we are creatures of change. I will take what I've gotten, learned and given and count myself fortunate for the time I've had with him and move on when, and if, the time comes. I figured it's better to love completely, without hesitation, and hurt from it than never to allow yourself to love with everything you have. And yeah, I can honestly say that I love this guy, regardless of the outcome, I love him.

So, with all that said, I'm about caught up on the great big everything of my life. Hope I haven't missed too much with anyone online. I think I've been hitting everyone's blog, but I'll have more time this week to play catch up. When the Atlanta bloggers decide to do something, don't forget me!!! I want to meet some of you guys really bad... JALI, that means you, you sweet poetic woman you! I can't wait to get the opportunity to "see" more than a picture and hear a voice behind the words! Hugs ya'll and hope I didn't scare anyone with me being gone for a while... life just gets hectic sometimes.

I'm Green

2007-03-18T22:14:00.000-04:00

And it has nothing to do with St. Patrick's day. I'd love to say that I was out getting schnokered on tinted beer, margaritas or grasshoppers, but I wasn't. Instead I was holed up in my house alone as usual. People say that I should get out and do things, but it's no fun to do everything alone. I wish I could be brave enough to walk into a bar and have a seat, but then if I got drunk, who'd drive me home? I'd probably never be able to find a cab in the podunk town I live in. I mean really we have a population of less than 6000 do you really think there's cab service around here? Plus, I don't want to be the pathetic woman sipping drinks all night, smoking cigarettes and talking to myself when the buzz hits good. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I had the chance to possibly meet someone that I knew there, but to walk into a new place all alone is unthinkable to me.

Nope the green I feel is envy, pure and simple. It's that evil emotion that grabs hold with both hands and makes us feel like total shit. I know perfectly well why it's one of the "Seven Deadly" as well as one of the Ten Commandments. It destroys us completely, but we have no control over it. We see something we want and we fall in for it and covet it until we can't see anything else in front of us. It isn't just material possessions either, it's people and lives that we covet. We see what we perceive to be the "perfect" life or partner and we want it for our own. Knowing that it too must have it's downfalls, we still wish it for ourselves because it beats whatever we have (or don't have) in our own lives.

For me, I covet a relationship. He's a wonderful man, hardworking, affectionate, smart and funny. She's a woman who is out to count the pennies and make certain she has hers well before he has anything. Rules are put into play that benefit her and her alone. Still he stays. Every conversation is filled with complaints and desires for something more, but then he stops dead in his tracks to reinerate the value of commitment even when it's bad. There is nothing he won't compromise for her... nothing except honesty and faithfulness.

I've found this man between my sheets on more than one occasion. We've made a game out of finding a secret place to meet and be. Countless hours on the telephone have been lost talking about what we want, like, hate, need and desire. All the while, I'm reminded that she has him and that he is only a "friend" for me. I envy her when he talks of days spent walking through the mall or catching a movie out. I envy her when I know he goes home to her at the end of the day. I envy her for knowing she has a hold on him so strong that he'll never walk away.

This envy is killing me softly and yet, I can't stop it. I'm so pathetic that I feel compelled myself to continue this charade of some dream. It's a fantasy that has a nightmare ending each time I have to say goodbye and move back into the reality of life for me. It isn't fair that she has something better than me when I'm willing and able to give what he needs. I deserve the happiness and security that she has. I deserve to be more than the "friend". I deserve to step out of the green and into the golden... Damn it! I want this emotion to die!

Congratulations and Much More

2007-03-16T16:39:00.000-04:00

First off, I want to take the opportunity to tell my friends JJ and Shane that I am so happy for them both. Tomorrow they will begin the endeavor of building a life together. Marriage is hard, requires effort and compromise on a steady basis, but I have no doubt that these two will put in the time and work to make it something wonderful. Though I couldn't afford a gift, I have said prayers and wishes that God will bless the union and give you many, many years of love, laughter and happiness... CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU BOTH!!!

Now on to things that aren't quite as glowing, but still part of my life. CM is doing great with the exception of the stomach bug hitting a couple of times. She had class portraits on Wednesday and looked adorable for them. I know I probably should have "dolled" her up, but I want her photos to be more of how I see her everyday than "special occasions" only. It's the moments that are snapped in secret that tell the greatest stories when we get older.

My mom had her check up with her vascular surgeon. He's really a God send to say the least. This man has done numerous surgeries so that my mother could keep her mobility. He's come to the point where he can't figure out what is causing the blockages. They did the ultrasound and doppler on her neck and those arteries are still at 60%+, but the ones in her legs are beginning to close off again. I have a feeling that we will be beginning the surgery route again and it scares the hell out of me. All the questions start going around in my head and it drives me nuts. Who will take care of Mom? Who will take care of CM if Mom is in the hospital, bed ridden or worse, dies? Who will come in and help me to deal with it all? Can I make it alone... completely alone? Fuck! Why can't things be easy and good indefinately?

Oh well, be thankful for the time and things that we have and not cry and worry so for those things we cannot control. And with things being out of my control, I might as well say that I'm still working on my weight. I am a bit discouraged that I'm not closer to my goal. I have to keep reminding myself that I started at 242, not 140 and that 120 is a long way from that original number. Another thing that I can't control is my fear to go places alone. I know it sounds stupid to some, but I cannot fathom the idea of me walking into a bar that I've never gone to and sitting alone all night long. The consensus seems to be that I should make myself available by going to dinner, movies, bars and anything place they can think of alone. Yeah, that's gonna make me feel better... people looking, clicking their tongues thinking poor girl can't get a date... NO THANK YOU!

I'm getting ready for my vacation to LA too. I admit that I'm not looking forward to it for many reasons, but the foremost is the fact I don't want to pretend to love and be loved. My dad has never really given a damn about me and has gotten worse at faking it as time has passed. He calls my home every single day but NEVER asks to speak to me. When I do answer the phone first he still doesn't talk TO me, but rather spends the precious moments asking me about my sister. I just can't make him see that he makes me feel like shit. In fact, I blame his sorry ass for me being the way I am when it comes to "relationships". I'm so hungry for that male attention and acceptance that I continuously make myself to be the stomping ground for any asshole that smiles my way. The 4th Commandment says "Honor thy Father and Mother", but it's hard to honor someone who overlooks you entirely.

So, "that which doesn't kill us or provokes us to kill someone else, makes life what it is!" I won't break from any of my heartache or loneliness. I've grown stronger in my charade and no one has to know that inside of me is a scared little girl that just needs to be held and comforted. Inside there is the woman that has a heart full of love and the need to be loved in return. Deep down, there is vulnerability, but the world will NEVER break me.

Hope everyone has a stellar weekend partying their asses off for St. Patty's Day. Congrats again to JJ & Shane and much love to all the rest of my "family" on here. Love ya!

March Winds

2007-03-04T22:27:00.000-05:00

February and it's dreaded Valentine's Day is behind us and March has arrived. This is the time of year that the winds pick up and blow the dried leaves around and makes way for Spring to really come. I'm ready for the color and life to come back. Even more ready for the warmer days and the time outside with my daughter. I'm determined that this year we will work on planting flowers and shrubs around the house. CM is finally old enough to help some with the work and I think she'll love waiting for the flowers to bloom. Recently while outside we noticed a hard wood tree that is growing in our backyard. It obviously began about the time we moved here, so we've named it Christree and we'll watch it grow with CM as the years pass.

I did take the initiative to hire someone to come and cut down all the weeds and underbrush from my bottom yard. It took the guy 3+ hours with a commercial grade weed eater, but he did an awesome job. I now know where all the actual trees have sprouted and can't wait until they mature too. We have a full acre to roam on now and the next step is to have it all fenced in. To me, it would be a slice of heaven to open the door and just let the dog out without fighting to get her on her runner chain. Not to mention, her "poo area" wouldn't have to be so damn close to the house if she could roam the bottom part. I also am trying to figure out where to get the cash to buy CM a new swingset. The one she currently has is small and the slide is hazardly steep.

Ultimately, I would love to have the bottom graded and made completely level. I'd build a stairway down the hillside to it and then save to install a pool. I figure I'm gonna be here the rest of my life, might as well make it into the home I want. The really nice part about the land I have is that my trailer is on the upper part and doesn't take much room. If by chance I should need or want to build a home, I could build it down below and still reside in my current residence without issue. I know that's a big dream and what if... but it's still nice to know it. The other thing I have to do this year is strip and paint or stain my porches. I didn't do it last year, so I have no choice this year. I'd also like to check into having at least two of them covered. It would be nice to have a shady place to sit and relax during the spring and summer. (Damn! This to-do list just keeps growing!)

Other than the thoughts of what to do for and around the house, I've been thinking of my changes in me. Over the last few weeks I've managed to get down another 10+ lbs. I'm seeing the changes more now than I did before. It amazes me how when you begin to lose weight it happens in the most unnoticable places first. For instance, the inside of my knees no longer bulge when I sit down. Oh, and my watch, even on the last hole, is too big. Now, who else would notice those things except me? Why can't we lose the bulge around the mid-section first? That is so unfair... I can't wait to lose down enough to where the arms don't flap and I don't have a "fat back". I suppose the trick is to just stick with it until the goals are reached and not whine about the hows and whys of it all.

Another change I'm attempting to make is feeling positive about myself. For years I've worked hard at making myself self-sufficient and did such a good job at it that no one thinks that I need anyone. Truth is, I don't need anyone for the typical stuff like paying bills or changing a flat, but I do need and want the companionship. I'm reading a book called "Do I Look Fat in This?" and it's helping me to realize that the things I hate about my body are holding me back from achieving other goals in my life, including finding a relationship. There is definite truth in "no one can love you until you love yourself". Because I feel so invisible I don't allow myself to explore opportunities that may come my way. I don't venture out to places where I could meet new people and I don't take the risk of rejection with people or with my career. It's like I've told myself that I'm unworthy for so long that I exude that idea on others before I allow them to make their own judgments. No more of that! The change has to come from me first before I can expect the world to change towards me.

The last thing that I'm hoping the March winds will bring is sense to some of the otherwise senseless ideas that I have. R is my best friend, no doubt about it, but the fantasy of more is getting old and tiring to maintain. I know that he cares about me and often wishes things were different, but wishes rarely come true. I think it's commendable that he is willing to sacrifice what he wants and will make him happy for the sake of his family. Most people, without so much as a second thought, would up and leave and not think of the one they left behind or the family they allowed to come apart. He does and that alone makes him amazing to me. I have to work harder on being a friend and not someone with alterior motives backing every word or gesture I make. It's far more rewarding to have his friendship than to push and lose it all.

Yep, Spring is a time of color, life and change... this will be my chance to change and grow too. I can feel good things coming. I just hope I don't blink and miss the golden opportunities because those are the ones that pass the quickest and never come around again.

Judge Roy Moore

2007-02-27T10:54:00.000-05:00

Some of you may be wondering what Judge Roy Moore has been doing since he was removed from the bench for refusing to remove the Ten Commandments from his courtroom wall.

The following is a poem written by Judge Roy Moore . Judge Moore was sued by the ACLU for displaying the Ten Commandments in his courtroom foyer. He has been stripped of his judgeship and now they are trying to strip his right to practice law in Alabama ! . The judge's poem sums it up quite well.

America the Beautiful,
or so you used to be.
Land of the Pilgrims' pride;
I'm glad they'll never see.
Babies piled in dumpster's,
Abortion on demand,
Oh, sweet land of liberty;
your house is on the sand.
Our children wander aimlessly
poisoned by cocaine
choosing to indulge their lusts,
when God has said abstain
From sea to shining sea,
our Nation turns away
From the teaching of God's love
and a need to always pray.
We've kept God in our temples,
how callous we have grown.
When earth is but His footstool,
and Heaven is His throne.
We've voted in a government
that's rotting at the core,
Appointing Godless Judges;
who throw reason out the door,
You think that God's not angry,
that our land's a moral slum?
How much longer will He wait
before His judgment comes?
How are we to face our God,
from Whom we cannot hide?
What then is left for us to do,
but stem this evil tide?
If we who are His children,
will humbly turn and pray;
Seek His holy face
and mend our evil way:
Then God will hear from Heaven;
and forgive us of our sins,
He'll heal our sickly land
and those who live within.
But, America the Beautiful,
if you don't - then you will see,
A sad but Holy God
withdraw His hand from Thee.

~~Judge Roy Moore~~

This says it all. Let's offer our prayers for Judge Moore to be blessed and for America to wake up and realize what we need to do to keep OUR America the Beautiful.
IN GOD WE TRUST!!!

The Circus and the Life of a Clown

2007-02-21T15:48:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone, I'm sorry it's been a while since I've blogged. Life has been busy, not to be mistaken for exciting, just busy. Last Friday, I took my daughter to her very first circus. It was Ringling Bros./Barnum & Bailey, but it wasn't anything like I remember as a child. I was expecting the three rings going simultaneously and acts that made you draw your breath in and hold. Instead, it was three hours of mediocre clowns, single person trapeze acts, a few men flipping over each other and a woman who made kittens run, dogs fetch and birds fly. Do you sense the lack of enthusiasm I'm trying to express? There were even moments when I looked and saw that CM wasn't all that impressed with it either. She did like the fact I bought her almost everything she asked for to compensate for the lack luster performances on the floor.

Then over the weekend, we just played and had a good time being with each other. Didn't do anything special, but it was good. We painted pictures, made bugs and flowers out of pipe cleaners and poof balls and we even played a few games of Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders. Her laughter is worth more than gold on weekends like this.

Sunday was a treat. We had a guest preacher at church who specializes in children's ministries. He's raised tons of money for all kinds of organizations that help children. He was colorful and enthusiastic and he talked to the kids on their level. They performed a puppet show and taught bible study type lessons and CM listened intently. She takes praying and God very serious and she's enthralled with the idea that God is everywhere but invisible. To her God is better than a super hero and I'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible.

This week, things have been a bit rough for me emotionally. I'm still getting over the hump of Valentine's day and the lack of having someone in my life, but I'm gaining strength. I have hope that refuses to die quietly, so I guess I'll keep plugging along until something breaks. I mean something HAS to break eventually right? I can't be disgustingly ugly to every man who walks past me. I figure the odds have to come in to my favor and someone notice me for the right reasons. Right now, all I have is an ex who wants to do the occasional "drink and ride" with me and I'm not wanting too much of that.

Hope everyone else is doing well. I'll drop in again real soon and post a bit more. Love ya tons :)

With Hope

2007-02-14T11:32:00.000-05:00

There is no "Valentine" in my life right now, but that's okay. I have wonderful friends who care for me and help me to see that my glass is always half full. You guys lift me up and carry me when I get too weak. I can't explain how much that has helped me over the last year and a half. Being a single mother, working full time and trying to carve a minute or two out for rest isn't easy and it doesn't leave much time for anything, including finding Mr. Right. As you all know, I have a Mr. Right Now type thing and to be honest, he has turned out to be my closest friend in the way of conversations. I keep nothing from him and feel good about being honest about me and my life with someone other than family. I don't think it will ever be anything serious, but it is something that makes me want to do more about finding the love inside myself.

I've been reminded this week that I am a beautiful woman, inside and out. So, this morning, I woke up and told myself that even though I'm not Kate Moss I still have worth and beauty to be seen and noted. I also hopped on my scales and rejoiced in seeing the number drop by another 3 1/2 pounds. It's a slow road, but one I'm determined to find the end of this time. I know longer want to be the fat girl and it has very little to do with the prospect of "catching a man". Instead, I want to be happy with what I see when I look in the mirror. And that mindset has led me to be more determined and dedicated in my endeavors.

So, with all that said... Let me say that to all of you who read this that are blessed with the love of someone else... enjoy it and hold it close to your own heart. Give what is given to you and love beyond yourself. For those like me and are single, the right person could be just around the next corner, but if you don't love yourself, they won't even see you coming. And for all of my friends, committed or single... HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY... I LOVE YOU ALL!

Anti-Valentine's

2007-02-13T12:53:00.000-05:00

Yep, as you all guessed, I am so totally anti-Valentine's right now. So much so that I'm about ready to get directions to Hallmark corporate office, take the day off and drive up with the sole purpose of cussing out every single fink who works there for making it the single most sappiest day of the freaking year. They contribute to millions of folks feeling like t-total shit because we didn't receive a red, heart covered, foil lined, card of emotional vomit in our mailbox. I would also mark on my map the place that makes the heart-shaped boxes of candy. Those folks would get an earful too.

Now the cards that I've attached here along with the others from the site are wonderful. These folks should be applauded, they've hit the proverbial nail on the head and gave us a handful of non-conformist cards to share on the special days of the year. Even though they reinerate the fact I'm alone and have no prospects, they comfort me somehow. It's like I can hear Cupid, the winged, pansy, ass son of a bitch that never drops in on my "significant other" until he's with some trifling bitch take his last breath. Yeah, now that's just what we needed to hear... no more cupid, no more mushy ass sentiments and damn sure don't need no stinkin' chocolates to make my day... just kill the winged one and we shall be free.

13 Years Ago Today

2007-02-08T23:36:00.000-05:00

I lost someone that I loved very much. He was beautiful, funny to the point of making you cry and the one who said he couldn't wait to grow up and marry me. I've talked about David several times on here, so this isn't anything new, but it's something that touches me twice a year and makes me sad. No one should ever die young and leave a life unlived and that is exactly what happened to him.

David was the youngest brother of my brother-in-law and a distant cousin on my father's side. I can't recall a time in my life that he wasn't around. He was always at the family get togethers and church functions. Even though he was three years older than me, he made it a point to be right by my side every chance he got. I can remember him begging me to hug him and me being shy and not wanting to do it in front of everyone. We'd play chase and he'd grab me up in his arms when he caught me. He'd make funny faces and make me laugh and came to my rescue more than once.

One of my favorite memories was when we lived in the trailer park and he was staying with my sister and his brother in their trailer down the street. He had walked over to my house to get me. There was gonna be no walking alone that summer. Anyway, he came and got me to take me back to my sister's and one of the boys that lived in the park began tormenting me. His name was Tom and he was quite a bit older and loved to hurt my feelings. Being the pudgy little girl that I was, I was an exceptionally easy target. The name calling began as soon as he saw me come around the corner, but he wasn't expecting my "knight in shining white t-shirt" to be coming up behind me. David flew into a fit of anger and threatened to beat the shit out of him if he didn't stop and apologize to me. David told Tom that I wasn't fat, but that I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen or known and that he had no right to hurt me that way. Tom ducked and ran and David took my hand in his and told me that he had meant what he said and that he loved me just like I was and to promise I would never change.

I looked at David a bit different after that. The boy I was afraid to hug in public was suddenly the boy that I knew I would love unconditionally for all of time. We grew and our lives crossed paths time and time again. He spent many years in a boys home and I wrote to him religiously. I sent letters, poems, card and small gifts bought with the money I earned from babysitting. I anticipated him getting out at 18 and coming to live in Georgia. I wanted to hold him, kiss him and I didn't care who saw it or what they thought. I loved him and he loved me and that was what was meant to be. Finally, he arrived and I couldn't get to him fast enough.

When we pulled up in the drive, he heard the car door and ran out the door. Swept me up in his arms and kissed me like it was the most normal thing to do. We laughed and cried right there in front of everyone and he quietly whispered in my ear that he loved me just like he did all those years ago. And when all the hellos were said and we could sneak away, he took me into the garage to show me something. With a big smile on his face, he dug through a box to find a smaller box bound with twine. David had saved every single letter and card I'd sent to him in those three years. From that moment, we spent every single weekend together.

Then his mother found out about us seeing each other and gave him the ultimatum... see her and be disowned or stop it entirely. He was still a boy in so many ways and needed his family, so he took me aside, cried and said he couldn't be my boyfriend anymore, but promised that someday it would be different and that his promise to marry me would come true. I believed him, every word and I tried to make it easier for him. Months passed where we didn't talk at all and then something would happen to bring us back together. A cook out at the park, a party for one of the nieces or nephews, it was meant to be and we couldn't stop it.

Then it happened! We took the leap and found ourselves in each other's arms. We made love through the night and slept entwined. I couldn't see where my body ended and his began, it was like colors running into each other and no definate line that divided us. David's arms were strong and tanned from working in the sun, his lips soft and sweet and the way his skinned smelled made me feel like I was home. I never wanted the night to end, but soon the sun came through and we had to go back to believing we could live without each other.

Years passed and he moved back to Louisiana and I stayed in Georgia. I'd see him on occasion, but our lives had taken different directions. He dated girl after girl and would tell me all about them and then sadly ask me if I had anyone special. I'd rattle on and on about who I was seeing hoping it would cut him to the quick. He'd sit and listen quietly and put in his remarks about it all, but when no one was around, he'd steal a kiss and tell me "when we get older, I'm still gonna marry you". We'd be right as rain again until we had to part ways again.

Then the phone call came. I was devastated and broken. Who was going to marry me when I got older? Who was gonna love me like he did? How could I possibly say goodbye to someone that I loved so deeply and keep going? Would he know that I loved him before, at that moment and every day after? He looked so handsome in his suit. His eyes softly closed and his hands placed on his chest. I wanted him to look at me once more and give me the chance to say I love you one more time. I wanted to hold him once more and feel his strength around me. They placed him in the ground and buried a piece of me with him.

Every time I go back "home", I visit him and cry for the love I had, have and will carry with me until I die too. So, David, if you can see me, hear me know that I love you today as I did every day you were alive. Sweet peace to my dark haired angel... I LOVE YOU!

David Bruce Barbo

August 1, 1971 - February 8, 1994

Life and other Whatnot

2007-02-01T21:44:00.000-05:00

Life is going as life should, quickly along with me trailing somewhere behind it trying to catch up. Over the last month, I've done more work than I have in the last two years. I'm here to tell ya, it's kicking my seat loving ass all over the place. Thank goodness that my carpal tunnel hasn't come back yet or else I'd be really screwed. The partners have joined forces with a group of up-and-coming brokers who are destined to carve their names in stone. Just today, I think I shuffled out six contracts. And in the last few weeks, I'd have to say I've put together around fifty packages, if not more. These guys are either committed to making a million this year or in conspiracy with the partners to kill me. I'm hoping that a ton of these deals go through and that some of the reward will trickle down to me. It's pretty heartbreaking to know that I made $4K less this year than I did last and that I'm making basically the same as I did when I started eight years ago.

The only good point to this is all the contact with Brandon, the eye-candy that is part of Super Broker group. He's gorgeous! And I don't mean just a pretty boy, but a GQ cover type beautiful. He's slightly olive complected, bright eyes and dark hair with the brightest smile I've seen in a long time. Then there is the issue of his voice... he has an incredibly sexy voice that I don't mind hearing about a million times a day. In fact, I've obviously thought so much about this guy that I'm inducing dreams about him. He's younger, destined to make a ton of money and TOTALLY out of my league. Oh well, no harm in flirting a bit I guess. And I'm here to tell ya that if that opportunity came up... I ain't letting it slide by.

There are also changes in my situation with my "friend". He will be going out of town to work for the next four months and the whimsical visits will cease to be. We've discussed me coming down on Friday after work and staying the night, but then I thought better of it. He doesn't need someone seeing me walk in and out of his room and then chatter at the next union party. Plus, I told him that I thought this was the perfect opportunity for us to step back and make a change in the situation. I figure it's time to set the limits and hold them firmly in place. We are at the point where we're either going to move forward or become bored. I don't see him making any changes (not that he's insinuated or promised anything) and I'd rather stop while it's still good between us.

CM's dad hasn't been making things easy for me either. He's been really sweet and kind the last couple of weeks. It's like he's trying to build brownie points or something and it kind of weirds me out. I have to admit that I'm proud of him for coming to CM's dad's day at her school, but that is about all the admiration I can muster for him. He's still a pathetic POS and I can't get past the fact he can't get his act together and be a consistent, contributing part of CM's life. Oh well, it will suck when the guilt and old age hits him... that's all I got to say about that :)

Other than this crap, I've been trying to decide what to do with my tax return. I could go the pay stuff off and eliminate the payment route or I could do the savings thing and hope to not have to use it anytime soon. Regardless what I decide, some of it will be used to make the trip to Louisiana to visit the family. I'm excited to go, but dread spending the money and making the drive. It's like no one understands how difficult it is to drive 12 hours with a kid proned to car sickness. I can tell you from experience, it sucks big time! I suppose it's unavoidable, I mean my dad refuses to take a bus to come here and I don't want too much time to pass between visits. We never know what tomorrow holds, got to make the most of each opportunity to tell those you love how much you do.

I had a revelation today, I'm jealous! And I don't mean the "slightly green with envy" kind, but rather the "pissed off at the world" type. I try to hold my tongue, but it's difficult to do so. I hope that I don't offend anyone so I'm trying to choose my words carefully. With that, I think I'll speak from experiences that I know first hand. My sister is five years older than me and she's living with a man who is twice her age. He retired a long time ago and is living off of his pension/retirement. He gets up every morning and makes her breakfast, washes her clothes, cleans the house, cooks her dinner and pays her bills 99% of the time. She knows that his income is limited and that he can't afford to continue spending the way that he does, but she refuses to get a job and keep it. Since being with him, three years, I'd say she's quit at least 15 jobs. He doesn't expect her to pay household bills, but he has stressed on numerous occasions that he'd appreciate her help in paying her personal bills (i.e. car insurance, doctor bills, credit cards). I don't think this is too much to ask for considering the situation; however, to her, it's the end of the world. She's constantly bitching and complaining about what she wants that he won't buy for her and has gone as far as discussing his sexual problems with an entire bar full of people he's known his entire life.

Then there is my "friend's" situation. He works very hard to provide a good life for his family, but they've hit some hard times and needs help in getting back on their own. Half wanting to help his mother and half helping themselves, they moved in with his mother and disabled step-father. Now, he's wanting to get a home of their own and has stressed the necessity of her working consistantly to make this happen. Well, she's quit two jobs that I know of and refuses to understand you can't call out all the time and expect to keep your job. She expects to spend like a fiend, but doesn't want to work for any of her wants. So, he goes to work every day that the weather permits and deals with the cold, the heat, the rain and dangers associated with his job and brings his money home for her to pay the bills. Do you think he's appreciated for his efforts? NO! She's constantly gripig and complaining that he's not romantic enough and he never does this or that and that she's tired of being in the house with his mother. NEWS FLASH!... get a job and help out some. When you make a check, don't go to the mall and see how fast you can blow it on stupid shit.

It just pisses me off to know that there are so many women out there who expects their boyfriends, husbands, partners or whatever to provide everything for them while their complaining about it never being enough. I've worked consistantly since I was 15 years old and I'd never imagine putting the entire load on my spouse. True, if he made more than enough to carry the load and we had small children, I'd stay home for a while. Once kids get to be school age, there is no excuse not to go back to work or to school or something in order to benefit the entire family. The jealousy comes in because I'm not sure if it's stupidity that drives men to tolerate this bullshit or if it's the fact that they are that much in love that they can overlook the inappreciation they get. If it's the latter of the two, then I hope to someday find a man that will sacrifice himself and everything he may want to make me happy. It would be nice to meet someone that can be that giving; however, knowing the woman that I am, I wouldn't allow them to do that for long, if ever. I find that I get arrogant when I discuss the differences between me and these women (and yes, that includes my sister). I work hard, I don't ask for anything that I'm not willing to do myself and I don't expect to take advantage of anyone. I want to be a contributing part of my family and my own life. I want to look back and see what I accomplished to contributed to the way our lives end up. I refuse to sit in the back seat and strike with the whip until I break someone else's back. I mean isn't this why the war of Women's Liberation was waged? Didn't we demand to be seen as stronger and more able to contribute? If not, please someone explain this to me.

2007-02-01T17:31:00.000-05:00

WILL POST SOMETHING TONIGHT, I PROMISE!!

UNTIL THEN...

CONGRATS TO SHANE & JJ, WISHES FOR MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIVES!

AND TO THE REST OF YOU, I'VE BEEN READING, REPLYING TO SOME, BUT SO SWAMPED AT WORK THAT I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO MUCH OF ANYTHING. LOVE TO YOU ALL, MISS YOU TONS AND WILL BE BACK LATER TO FILL IN THE GAPS.

A picture worth sharing. This is reality.

2007-01-24T14:33:00.000-05:00

This is something you will never see in the news. Here's a tough, but heartwarming story and a picture of John Gebhardt in Iraq . His wife, Mindy, related that this little girl's entire family was executed. They intended to execute her also and shot her in the head, but they failed to kill her. She was cared for by John's hospital and is healing, but has been crying and moaning. The nurses said John is the only one she seems to calm down with, so John has spent the last four nights holding her while they both sleep in that chair. The girl is coming along with her healing. *He is a real Star of the war and is representative of what America is trying to do. Please keep this going. Nothing will happen if you don't. The American public needs to see pictures like this and needs to realize that what we're doing over there is making a difference. Even if it is one little girl at a time.

James Gates U.S. Navy.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match

2007-01-22T23:31:00.000-05:00

Today, I pondered the idea of putting a profile on EHarmony and taking the chance of finding a date that way. It seems to be very popular to internet date and find happiness with a click of a button. So, I searched and read about a million reviews stating that they had no luck and that the matches were bogus or dreadful and the idea of cancelling once you begin is almost unheard of. Even with multiple methods tried, most people were overcharged and no one ever received a refund. Some even had to go to the extent of cancelling credit cards in order to stop the billing each month. Needless to say, EHarmony won't be getting my pathetic business anytime soon.

I also considered going on BBWsingles.com. And for those that don't know, BBW stands for big, beautiful women. In my current physical shape, this may be okay to find a man who is attracted to bigger women; however, I am changing that a little more with every given day. I'd hate to meet someone fantastic and accepting, lose the weight and then him leave for that reason. Wouldn't that just be a kick in the damn teeth? Could you imagine the argument, "but baby, I don't love you skinny, please eat this whole chicken and gallon of mashed potatoes and gravy!"?

I know that finding Mr or Mrs Right does happen online, take Shane and JJ for instance, but I just don't know if that's really what I want to happen. Not that I'd turn it away solely for that reason, but I'd prefer something a bit more old-fashioned like bumping into each other in the Walmart and striking up a conversation. Or maybe standing in line at the bank and get noticed by someone three people back and he figures out a clever way to speak to me. Perhaps it could be the new mechanic that repairs my car or the FedEx guy making a delivery to my office. Hell, it could be the burger flipper at McDonald's for all I care, as long as I get noticed spontaneiously!

I know that "love at first sight" is a romantic notion, but there has to be some initial interest that hits immediately that makes you want to take the chance to get to know someone. There has to be something inside that clicks and says "go on, introduce yourself before she gets away". I'm curious as to how this happens. How do men identify who is worth their time and effort and who is not? What sparks that? Is it purely physical, if so, I'm screwed for a long time yet. If it's some small voice that tells them then obviously the guys I've seen have theirs on mute or tuned into a sports channel.

An even better question for me to ask is how do women feed that interest to keep them coming back to learn more? How do you move it forward from a sporadic conversation thing to a date? How does all this crap work? See, I apparently have the inate ability to scare the hell out of men within a few emails, phone calls or IMs. I'm extremely honest and have nothing to hide when asked directly. I tend to not volunteer too much info because I know that it can be used against me later; however, I NEVER dodge any subject approached. I figure if I lie up front it will eventually blow up in my face, so why initialize the confusion?

I need some help here to figure out how all this dating thing is suppose to work. I need to know what men find attractive in a woman and what women do to intice them. And no, I don't want to post an over the head boob shot on MySpace in order to get a new friend request. I also don't want to dress 20 years younger than what I am or wear a board sign that says "will have sex on the first date". Give me some real insight to use... tell me the story of what caught your eye and your partner's.

Green Pasture

2007-01-19T23:04:00.000-05:00

Somewhere inside of me there is a fountain of imagination that never stops flowing. My mind is constantly churning thoughts, ideas, dialogue, scenarios and the "what ifs". Blend it all with a kaleidoscope of emotions and it becomes a good day to daydream. Being on somewhat of a roller coaster today, my heart and mind were determined to take me someplace else. The whirring traffic to either side of me and the music playing from the radio created the soundtrack of what was playing behind my eyes.

I could see the green pasture that I've been correlated with. The sky above were many shades of blue and the clouds looked more like coal drawings that had been softly smudged. The grass was soft under my feet. The smell of rain hung heavy in the air. The breeze pushed warm air across my bare arms and I felt alive, more alive than the flowers that were blooming in the distance. He was there, walking up behind me and watching me take in the beauty of spring in the middle of nowhere.

I could hear his heartbeat as he wrapped his arms around me. His breath on my neck and the words spoken in a near inaudible whisper, I heard him tell me his secrets. The nightmares had subsided and he found his way here. He was beaten and bruised from life, weary from wanting something more, but the fire still burned behind his eyes. The wall that he'd built around his heart was crumbling. As he spoke, I knew he'd let me in past the world, the demons and the fear. The rain began to fall and I knew there was no turning back.

Cradling me in his arms, he laid me back on the plush green and filled my mouth with warm kisses. The sky cried for all that we'd been through and the thunder applauded our finding each other. This world we were in was created purely from desire and a love that can never be. It was ivory and gold, it was diamonds and incense, it was perfect and here we were lost in it. The euphoria washed over us as the lightning began to flash in the sky. And just as quickly as he had appeared he was gone.

Blinking the tears from my eyes, I looked around and noticed that the world still existed around me, the cars passed by and the road lingered ahead of me. The dream, as beautiful as it was, was just that... a dream. He still has his secrets, I still have my loneliness and the sky fades to black over the green pasture.

Doctor, latte and whispers

2007-01-18T23:09:00.000-05:00

Today was a really good day. Only had to work four hours and then headed to the endocrinologist for my quarterly check-up. Cholesterol down by 50 points, blood pressure was practically perfect and the best part, I'm down to 214. I know some would say that that still makes me a fat cow, but it's a less fat cow than before and that's the main thing. I'm down a total of 32 pounds and moving in the right direction. Keep fingers crossed that I can continue this until summer. The only bad part about my appointment is that my insulin is still elevated. I'm having to up my dose of glucophage to four times a day. That is a big part of the reason why I feel it so necessary to get this fat off of me (not to mention, I want to be "hot" by summer).

Anyway, after my appointment, I met R at the Starbucks for a Chai Tea Latte and a piece of pumpkin bread. Delicious way to fight the cold. The conversation came as easily as ever and we found our natural groove pretty quickly. It's amazing to me how comfortable I am with him. It's like most of my fears and doubts about myself disappear and it's okay to just be me. I tell ya, that's a wonderful feeling.

After the lattes were gone, we decided to take a drive. Feeling a bit awkward, I climbed into the passenger seat of his car. That always bothers me a bit because I know I have no business being there with him. Anyway, we ended up at the head shop laughing at the obscene birthday cards, t-shirts, magnets and movies. We roamed the aisles checking toys and discussing their possibilities. Sorry girls, but I can't imagine using some of those instruments on myself. There was one that would have made a donkey blush... hard!!! Then we found ourselves in front of one of my favorite things... edible gels and body paints. After reading each label and deciding that anything with coconut was totally disgusting for those purposes, I settled on buying a bottle of Green Apple flavored gel. Now my mind was wondering when and where we would use this particular indulgance.

Driving back to the meeting area, we decided to take a few detours and so did R's fingers. Now, I won't lie, I've often pleasured myself on the way home from work after thinking of and talking to R all day long. Call it my way of easing the rush hour! Not to mention, it's kind of fun to see if anyone in the lanes next to me will notice. Yeah, I'm a freak that way. Back to tonight, his hand felt really good caressing my leg and inching their way up. Thankfully, I had enough sense to wear my thigh highs and leave myself "open" to get what I got. With cars all around us, his fingers began to play me like an instrument he had long since mastered. It was wonderful and the fogged windows proved it.

Removing his fingers, I took them into my mouth and delighted in the taste of me that he had so effortlessly brought forth. It was almost like he could read my desires and knew that I wanted more before calling it a night. He turned down one subdivision, but it had been completed and there were too many chances of getting caught by someone coming home. Then there was an uncompleted ranch-condo development. We drove around a bit and giggled like school kids. He tickled and I touched and finally, I had to do something. I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned over to him and kissed his neck and ears. Finally, he found a place to park and that is when the fun truly began.

Kissing him and urging for more, I reached down and stroked him through his jeans and anticipated using my edible gel on him. Afterall, I bought it for that sole purpose and I wanted to try it out... ya know, taste test it! Tilting the steering wheel up, dropping the back of the seat and sliding it back a bit, R unzips. HELLO BIG BOY! Unlike most women, I desire this and take great pride in doing it well. Out comes the little bottle and I put a few squirts of it in my hand. Warning him that it was cold, I stroked him a bit more until it got nice and warm and then began the task at hand (no pun intended). Stopping only long enough to lose the panties in their entirety and making it easier for him to play while I "told secrets", I continued until I felt the slap on my backside. Yes, big girl likes it kind of rough sometimes. Then it was on... I was ready for the real thing. Concentrating to make certain that I did my job well and thoroughly, I felt him begin to rise with each drop of my head. I felt the swell and new what I was about to get. All my efforts were about to pay off and then "oh fuck yeah, here it comes" and that was it until I had it all.

Then I made the big blunder. I leaned up, kissed his neck and whispered in his ear those three deadly little words that can be the biggest deal breaker known to man. It was purely for selfish reasons. He didn't need to hear this, he knows this without a single word being uttered, but I wanted to leave something more lingering in his head than just the blow job. I wanted him to take those three words home with him and hopefully have them resonate each time he looked at her. Yeah, I'm a bitch like that too.

He zipped up, I slid into my panties and we headed back to my car. He got out and walked me to my door and gave the traditional hug goodbye. I won't lie and say that it isn't a little disappointing to always end things so quickly, but I know the deal and there is never enough time to enjoy the deep conversations that typically come when you've reached orgasm. I drove home with the taste of him in my mouth and the wonder of what goes through his mind when he walks through the door at home. Even as I sit here now and type this, I can't help but think of all the things that might have gone on behind his eyes when he hugged and kissed his girlfriend hello or even when he went and laid beside her in their bed. Did I make an impression tonight? Is there something about me creeping into his mind as he talks to her? Back to the bitch thoughts, but that's what I'm so good at.