I'd like to say that life has taken on a glow so bright that shades are required just to wake in the mornings, but the truth is that it's more dismal than I care to admit. So far we're hanging on with a hope and a prayer that things will change for us and become "comfortable" again. I'd like to get back to the point where I KNOW, without doubt, that the bills will be paid. I'd like to drop in the mail the two payments we're behind on the mortgage and take a sigh of relief knowing that we aren't on the brink of defaulting on our home loan. I'd like to walk into the grocery store and buy a bill of groceries and NOT have to worry about what bill I'm not paying just to put food in my children's mouths. And, more than anything else, I'd like to not feel angry about the entire situation and guilty for buying CM's gifts for her birthday next week.
Yep, my baby girl is turning six years old on the 12th and I am in shock that the time has flown by like it has. It seems not that long ago that I was holding her in a receiving blanket and wondering how I was going to learn to be a mother. I recall the fear I had before leaving the hospital. I'm assuming they were normal thoughts and fears, but I wondered if I really had it in me to be a mother. I feared that I'd fall short and not be able to care for her and all her needs, but so far, I've managed to NOT fail her completely. She doesn't have everything she wants and we skimp a bit on the needs sometimes, but she seems to be happy. And I know that she's made my life better everyday since she's been born.
And that brings me to the second of my loves... Lucian is growing so quickly. It's hard to believe he's already almost two months old. Yep, he'll be two months on August 16th! Some days it feels like I've held him a million times and other days it feels like it's the first time all over again. He is beginning to make more noises and I'm anxiously waiting for the giggles to start. He's holding his head up well and making great strides in scooting across the floor. I swear, at this rate, he'll be crawling full force within another month... if we have that long!
As for the other child, well... it is what it is. I'd like to say that he's better, but we have more bad days than good with him. He's insistant on being callous and cold to CM every chance he gets. The plus of the entire situation with him is that he's finally acknowledging that CM is his "sister" and he's warmed up to being a big brother to Lucian. We feared that he'd remain distant and that he'd never bond with him, but he has and it makes me feel good. As bad as it is to admit it, in the long run, I feel he'll ultimately have a closer, stronger bond with CM and Lucian than he will with his other sister and brother by his mother. He doesn't realize it now, but with having a home with us, that means ties will bind the tighter than simple weekend visits. Being here, with us, he'll grow and watch the others grow and change too. Now, if only God can give me patience and the open heart I need to learn to like TC. I've loved him because I love his father, but liking him has been the difficult part... I'm hoping beyond hope that we can fix that.
Another aggravation I have is the way the economy is going and the lack of concern R seems to have for our situation. He's a union ironworker and things have been really off for him for a long time now. He was laid off in October 2008 and stayed that way until February; he worked until the end of March and then was laid off again. He has worked a total of three days since then. I understand that everyone is struggling and construction work is tanking all over the place because they can't get financing for projects, however, if you don't keep your name active on the books, then you can't expect to be called to work. I asked R yesterday if his name was back on the list and active, he ignored me for a while so I asked again and insisted on an answer... the answer was "I'll call the hall tomorrow and get it added back on." Yeah, this pissed me off completely. I have no job to go back to, I've put in over 50 applications and am making a plan just in case we lose the house. R gets angry when I bring up foreclosure, but it's very possible this could happen, especially if he doesn't go back to work soon... REAL SOON! I mean really, how can he expect to cover the bills when we have NO income other than unemployment. The way I figure it, we either buy groceries or pay the mortgage, we can't do both. And if I do both of those, then we have no electricity or water. It's a no win situation without him going back to work and that can't happen if he doesn't become more pro-active about looking for a job SOMEWHERE, union or not, we need income.
The good note is that the kids started school this past Monday and they both seem to like it. And to make things more interesting, I'm going tomorrow for an orientation class to see about acquiring my GED. I figure I have no excuse not to go and take care of this. Since I no longer have time constraints I can take the prep classes that they offer to ensure I pay the fee only once to take the test. Keep you fingers crossed for me/us that all will work out the way it should. I have faith that God will see us through, but I wish he'd share the plan of action with me so that I could avoid the migraines and stress induced body aches.
Hugs to all!
Yep, my baby girl is turning six years old on the 12th and I am in shock that the time has flown by like it has. It seems not that long ago that I was holding her in a receiving blanket and wondering how I was going to learn to be a mother. I recall the fear I had before leaving the hospital. I'm assuming they were normal thoughts and fears, but I wondered if I really had it in me to be a mother. I feared that I'd fall short and not be able to care for her and all her needs, but so far, I've managed to NOT fail her completely. She doesn't have everything she wants and we skimp a bit on the needs sometimes, but she seems to be happy. And I know that she's made my life better everyday since she's been born.
And that brings me to the second of my loves... Lucian is growing so quickly. It's hard to believe he's already almost two months old. Yep, he'll be two months on August 16th! Some days it feels like I've held him a million times and other days it feels like it's the first time all over again. He is beginning to make more noises and I'm anxiously waiting for the giggles to start. He's holding his head up well and making great strides in scooting across the floor. I swear, at this rate, he'll be crawling full force within another month... if we have that long!
As for the other child, well... it is what it is. I'd like to say that he's better, but we have more bad days than good with him. He's insistant on being callous and cold to CM every chance he gets. The plus of the entire situation with him is that he's finally acknowledging that CM is his "sister" and he's warmed up to being a big brother to Lucian. We feared that he'd remain distant and that he'd never bond with him, but he has and it makes me feel good. As bad as it is to admit it, in the long run, I feel he'll ultimately have a closer, stronger bond with CM and Lucian than he will with his other sister and brother by his mother. He doesn't realize it now, but with having a home with us, that means ties will bind the tighter than simple weekend visits. Being here, with us, he'll grow and watch the others grow and change too. Now, if only God can give me patience and the open heart I need to learn to like TC. I've loved him because I love his father, but liking him has been the difficult part... I'm hoping beyond hope that we can fix that.
Another aggravation I have is the way the economy is going and the lack of concern R seems to have for our situation. He's a union ironworker and things have been really off for him for a long time now. He was laid off in October 2008 and stayed that way until February; he worked until the end of March and then was laid off again. He has worked a total of three days since then. I understand that everyone is struggling and construction work is tanking all over the place because they can't get financing for projects, however, if you don't keep your name active on the books, then you can't expect to be called to work. I asked R yesterday if his name was back on the list and active, he ignored me for a while so I asked again and insisted on an answer... the answer was "I'll call the hall tomorrow and get it added back on." Yeah, this pissed me off completely. I have no job to go back to, I've put in over 50 applications and am making a plan just in case we lose the house. R gets angry when I bring up foreclosure, but it's very possible this could happen, especially if he doesn't go back to work soon... REAL SOON! I mean really, how can he expect to cover the bills when we have NO income other than unemployment. The way I figure it, we either buy groceries or pay the mortgage, we can't do both. And if I do both of those, then we have no electricity or water. It's a no win situation without him going back to work and that can't happen if he doesn't become more pro-active about looking for a job SOMEWHERE, union or not, we need income.
The good note is that the kids started school this past Monday and they both seem to like it. And to make things more interesting, I'm going tomorrow for an orientation class to see about acquiring my GED. I figure I have no excuse not to go and take care of this. Since I no longer have time constraints I can take the prep classes that they offer to ensure I pay the fee only once to take the test. Keep you fingers crossed for me/us that all will work out the way it should. I have faith that God will see us through, but I wish he'd share the plan of action with me so that I could avoid the migraines and stress induced body aches.
Hugs to all!
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