Friday, April 08, 2016

Yep, A Good Day!

     Shocking as it may sound, I had a great day today! I didn't allow any negativity into my mind and it felt good. My husband and daughter left this morning for a daddy/daughter camping trip. I think it's a great thing for them to spend some quality time together. She's fortunate to have a great step-dad who loves her like completely. I would have given anything to have had that, even in small doses, through my childhood.  Since I didn't, I know the value of it and it makes me happy.
    As for me and the youngest... we had a "date".  It started out simple enough with a stop at the pet store for some guinea pig food. We left there and had a late lunch of Chinese food with no one to complain that "we always have Chinese".  Played for a few hours at the kids' arcade place and then stopped for a sweet at Dunkin'.  It was nothing expensive or fancy, but it was great! We played and took our time doing our thing without the older one getting frustrated or the dad noticing all the things we could do differently.
     I know that sounds like I'm pushing the blame on the ones that weren't with us, but it seemed a lot calmer just the two of us. I know the deal though. The twelve year old doesn't recall being a six and finds everything totally annoying.  Instead of asking quietly or politely for him to stop whatever behavior is on her nerves, she sees to it that everyone can hear her side and that causes all kinds of problems. At that point, Dad usually steps in and screams at the six year old and follows every movement like a hawk from that point on.  Today, it was different... I know what it's like being the youngest and I don't wish to fight over every small thing that doesn't really amount to anything.
    Yeah, it was good.  I had the one someone with me that never sees me as anything else than the best mom ever and I liked it. Now, don't get me wrong, I know my daughter loves me and that my husband is mine, but it doesn't mean that they don't make me feel bad sometimes. Truthfully, they make me feel unappreciated on a regular basis, so the break this weekend from that will be a nice change of pace for me.  I think I need the break; mentally, emotionally and physically.  Just in time too because next week will put me to the test again.
     My mother will be going back into the hospital again. This will be the seventeenth surgery on her legs for blood clots.  They are having to do the grafting from cadaver veins because hers have been completely used up.  I am concerned that we are getting to the end of our rope for "fixing" these issues. Thankfully she has had the brilliance of her vascular surgeon. (Sometimes the miracle isn't a healing, but who God puts in front of you!)  Anyway, the true stress comes from figuring out what to do with my kiddos. She's the only someone I have to take them to and get them from school.  Both suffer from horrible bus sickness (all the bouncing and stopping kills them).  I leave at 5:30 am and don't get back home until 6 pm.  They could go to after school, but if I don't have them picked up by 6 pm then they call DFACS on me. If I hit traffic of any kind I won't make it.  It causes stress like you wouldn't believe because I don't work for a company that really cares or understands about things like this, so it gets ugly real fast.
   Oh well, I'll worry about that tomorrow.  Today has been good and I want to relish in that for a while.  Life is good when the eyes of a six year old are shining and it's all because of a little time :D

Saturday, March 26, 2016


     Do you ever know, without doubt, that you need help?  And I'm not talking about the kind of help that just anyone can give you.  I can handle the things like cooking, cleaning, washing and working. True, I'd like some help with those things, but it's not the help that I feel I need most right now.  I'm feeling more and more broken all the time and I think, no, I know, that I need some professional help.  I was smart enough to take my daughter for help with her depression, but I'm terrified of delving into my own pool of blackness.  I sat in on her appointment and answered the questions asked of me and at the end of it, the doctor said that he hated that he didn't treat adults anymore, but that I seriously needed to reach out to someone.
     He's right, absolutely right!  I know that I need to figure out why I'm always sad.  There has to be something beyond feeling worthless, crying and just not certain being alive one more day will make any difference at all.  I find my thoughts going in and out of the realm of not coming back.  I drive on interstate and wonder just how much will my family be hurt if I veered too far one way or the other.  Just this morning, sitting at my dining table having breakfast, I wondered what it would do to my kids if I just got in my car and never returned. Would they be devastated?  Would they be fine?  Would they miss ME or just the fact that I did and do everything for them?  How long would it take for them to be "normal" if something did change with me?
     I'd like to say that these thoughts are only because I feel unappreciated, but it goes beyond that. I feel that this has been brewing since my birth.  Each person in my life, past and present, never really consider me or my feelings.  Sure, there's the occasional "how are you?", but it isn't followed through with any true concern to hear me.  It doesn't matter that I'm the first one out the door in the morning and last one back home. Just keep going; cook, clean, listen, do and then, only after everything else is taken care of, can you collapse into a numb slumber that has to be induced by sleeping pills.  My mother is draining on me and is a big preventative in me being able to change things. My sisters are worthless when it comes to helping take some of the burden. My husband can't see that he can do anything without intense direction by me. My children, well they're like all other children, selfish and lazy.  (That would be my own fault for not teaching them better.)
     I want to change everything! I don't want to work to support my mother who should have made better choices for herself.  I don't want to feel disconnected from my entire family.  I don't want to be the one who's the maid, cook, nurse, laundress and everything else for everyone else.  I WANT TO HAVE SOMETHING LEFT INSIDE OF ME FOR ME!!!!  I want the therapeutic help, but I'm terrified of letting that wall down.  I'm afraid that once that drip starts it will become a flood and I won't be able to return to what I've grown sadly comfortable with.  How do you decide how far to go with asking for help?  Where do you start and how do you get beyond the embarrassment of asking for help?  GOD HELP ME!

Friday, January 23, 2015

Does super glue work on humans?

It's pretty sad when you wake in the morning with the feeling that you are utterly broken inside.  From the moment I opened my eyes this morning I've wanted to cry.  I try to put on a face that will hide what's inside and I must do it well because no one ever asks differently.  I go through the motions and get both kids ready for school, I kiss the husband goodbye for the day and I turn the rest off.  The voices in my head that tear me down over and over again go quiet, but never silent.

I drop the youngest off at school and that gives me and my daughter about half an hour before she can go into the school.  We're sitting in the parking lot and I try to talk to her, but she cuts me quick with sharp, snide comments.  Then on the radio we hear where a caller asks what she should do because her daughter (14) was invited to a baby shower for another 14 year old.  I turned and looked at Chris and said that would break my heart if you came to me with this.  Without hesitation she pounced and snipped at me that she wished I'd stop saying things to her about NOT wanting her to get sexually active early and that really I needed to just shut up and stop being judgmental.

I was a bit more than hurt by this. I've never tried to hide anything from Chris.  I want to be deliberately honest with her so that she's aware of what the risks are and that the world isn't a warm, fuzzy place all the time.  I've talked with her in great detail about drugs, drinking, sex and the consequences that can follow all her choices.  I have no notion that my children will NEVER do anything, but I'm hoping to educate them to the point where they won't destroy themselves or someone else.  I want them to know their lives are made by the choices they make and consequences (both good and bad) that come with those choices.  One bad decision can send your life spiraling in a way you can't get control again.  I want to arm them in a way that if something should happen to me they'll be okay.  I want my kids to be aware that they have ONE life, live it to the best of your abilities and enjoy it.

Somehow these teachings and talks that I've had with her is now being thrown back in my face with a vengeance.   If I discuss anything I've seen or heard on the news it's like I'm making up lies in order to have a dialect with her.  I speak of my opinions about certain issues and ask her opinion to try and get her to think for herself and learn to articulate her opinions in a positive, productive way and she just turns it on me as being mean.  I try to invite her into a conversation that will make her use her brain and to build her own character, thoughts, opinions and ideas, but instead it all leads to her making me feel stupid and small.

And it isn't just my daughter that does this to me.  Yesterday at the store my family made me feel absolutely miserable.  There is no place we can go to that doesn't lead to either my husband and son battling it out or my daughter being snippy and moody to the point I just want to hide away.  I'm walking through getting what we need and every other word from all of them is either a whine, a snipe or a complaint.  Passing a mirror, glancing in,  I thought this is all my fault and I'm a horrible broken person who can't even make their own family work.  I can't seem to make anyone even want to pretend to be happy for a while.  It's like everyone is miserable and I'm the common denominator in this; therefore, it's all my fault.

I so wish I knew what kind of glue to buy that would put my pieces back in order so that I can find order with everything else.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Crying Over a Television Show

Yep, that's what I just said... I'm sitting here crying over something being said by a woman on "What Not To Wear".  She's describing her dressing style and she says "I never think of myself unless I'm thinking of ways to fix something that's wrong with me."  Man, that hit me extremely hard because that is EXACTLY what I do on a daily basis.  I simply don't exist except when I'm the one that's in my own way.  

I never had an extremely high self-esteem and over the years people have beat it down well below sea level. Better said, I've allowed people to beat it down. Somehow I've always been drawn to "friends" that lifted themselves up by putting me down. I dated boys/men that never put me first and showed me that I meant something more than just a few hours.  I've said it before, but I was NEVER asked out. Not one time did a guy approach me to ask for my number, to sit with me or buy me a drink at a bar, ask me to dance... NOTHING!  I always had to make the first move and then pursue with fervor if I wanted anything to happen.  I so wanted that first move to be made by someone, but someone never came along and I always felt like I was begging for someone to notice me.

Those things may seem trivial to most folks, but I'm here to tell you that it has been devastating to my overall life and perception of myself.  I've never felt anything other than the "sure thing".  Meaning I'm the girl the parents love, but you don't really care to be with. I'm short, overweight, not particularly beautiful (or even pretty) and I'm not well educated.  I came from a shattered home with extremely dysfunctional family members that included everything from alcoholics to severe narcissists.  I suppose I filed myself away as the most normal simply because I didn't cause the drama.  Because I lived with that drama and filed myself away for so long, I no longer know how to put myself first or even define what my wants really are.

At 21 I became a wife for the first time and that failed miserably. I tried for seven years to fix the problems that weren't mine to fix.  My husband was extremely attractive and extremely unhealthy for me. He started cheating just months after we got married and that combined with his partying, it was awful.  When I left that relationship I got involved with someone I'd known since I was 18 and that was a bust too. He constantly spouted off about all his exes and how wonderful they were (and noted that I didn't compare in any way).  The best part of that relationship is that I had my beautiful daughter.  

Then I started seeing my current husband.  We started off as friends, so we didn't do that weird "first date" thing.  We were honest with who and what we were.  That took a few years to grow, but we eventually figured out we were in love and wanted to be married. I knew quite a bit about his previous relationship and some of the things they had done.  They went places, spent time together and had fun being together though they had children.  I thought I'd get similar treatment when we became a couple.  And, at first, we did do some of those things.  Then it all fell away.  Rarely do we do anything outside of the house.  And I couldn't tell you the last time I got flowers just because or was taken to dinner on the fly.  We haven't had a date night in ages and I can't remember our last personal conversation.  Yes, we do have intimate moments, but they are simply for release not TRUE INTIMACY.

I know that I can't base my relationship on previous relationships, but I'm more than a little angry. When will it be my turn for me to be something more than the definite?  I know I'm smart financially and I don't do things without thinking of the outcome. I know that I'm the one you can bank on when no one else will be there, but damn! when do I get seen as more than that?  When is it my turn to be spoiled or pampered?  When do I get the feeling that I'm worth more than the usual?  Aren't I special enough to be put first?  Don't just look at me and say you love me... SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME AND WANT ME!  Show me that I'm more than the mom, the maid, the cook, the chauffeur, the accountant and all the things that I do all the time.

This sounds angry at everyone else, truth is, I'm most angry with myself. I've done this. I do this.  I'm the one holding me back from seeing my worth. I look in the mirror just enough to get the knots out of my hair, brush my teeth without leaving paste on my face and check to make sure no holes are in my shirts.  I try to think of me in a different light, but I can't. I'm so filed away that I don't know how to resurface and find something in me worth shining. I talk of getting my hair and nails done, but then I see it as a waste of money.  I think it won't make a difference if I dab on makeup cause it's still just me underneath it all.  I could buy clothes, but I'm still too short, too fat and too ugly.  And even if I did all this to feel pretty for a while, I'm only going to be at home, so why "waste" it.

I'm going back to writing. I need to purge my thoughts and feelings.  I may be redundant, but I have to get things out and see them myself.  I'm hoping that in this year I can find something better inside me by putting it all out there.  I'm hopeful to find a better me, a happier me.  I'm HOPEFUL!  and I pray that's enough.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Something's Wrong

I'm having a very hard time right now. Depression hits harder this time of year for a lot of people and I'm sure I'm just one of the masses.  Somehow all my inadequacies surface at the same time.  At work things are just as screwed as they've always been, so I'm not sure how that's making me feel worse.  I should be more accustomed to the fact there are more that slack than those that work.  I also should be able to deal better with the fact that all ARE NOT created equal when it comes to corporate America.  At my particular place of employment it's a case of what they call "reverse prejudice".  White folks are definitely the minority both on the management level and hourly level.  With that being said, there are a lot of things that are allowed to slide with one group over the other.  And to be honest, it totally pisses me off.  I know that if it weren't for ties like "that's my fiance who's best friends with the general manager" or " that's my cousin who use to babysit the general manager" and even the "I can do what I want because 15 years ago I dated the general manager"; things would be better.  In short, things are completely lopsided in the workplace and I don't see it changing anytime soon unless the general manager is in fact replaced with someone with NO ties to this location at all.  Clean eyes and mind may see and do things that should have been done a long, LONG time ago.

On the homefront things aren't so clear to me.  I know that I have a loving husband and two amazing kids, but I'm feeling empty.  I feel unappreciated and lonely.  I can't tell you how many times I've cried alone because of how my family makes me feel.  I work full-time outside the home and often make the joke that when I'm leaving I'm going to my second job.  I get home and cook, clean, and prepare for the next day.  Rarely do I sit down and watch television and when I do it's like there's a switch on my butt that signals that someone should yell for me.  My "me time" comes when I go and take my shower and go to bed.  That's it!

I feel inadequate with everything I do.  I can't find the good in me or anything that I do.  I'm guilty for thinking that I should have time for myself.  I feel guilty for what I think I'm depriving my children and husband of.  I hear of other families doing and getting so much out of their lives, knowing they are making the same amount of money (or close to it) as my husband and I and somehow we seem so much poorer.  Why can't I figure out how to give us the nicer things, how can I not manage to plan the "holy cow" vacations, and how is it that no matter what I do we can't get beyond the place we are right now?

As a woman in general, I feel inadequate in that way too.  I'm envious that there women out there who can put themselves first and do for themselves.  I've put myself on the back burner for so long that I don't know how to make my wants and desires a priority.  I'm never "put together" on the outside because I'm never really together on the inside.  I don't know how to be feminine in the way of pampering myself.  Having my hair or nails done seems like a waste of money, just the same as buying make-up and nicer clothes.  If I were going to nicer places or anywhere other than the grocery store and Walmart I may feel differently, but since I don't it seems like a horrible waste of both time and finances.

In closing, I think the problem isn't this time of year or anything else other than me.  How do I fix me and find a way to make me better?  How does one person find their worth and hold onto it?  I so wish I had someone to tell me how to get to a better me... the true me!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Learning on a Curve

We all know that we don't get "owner's manuals" when we have children.  No one gives you the rules and rundown on how to do everything through every single stage.  Of course, EVERYONE wants to help by giving advice when the babies are brand new, but those same "Helpful Hannahs" are often gone by the time the real hard work begins.  I've often heard that people tend to parent based on how they were parented themselves.  What happens when you were never really parented?  Where do you start from when there is no basis of comparison?  Or what if the comparison is to something not so good? 

I'm not here to bash my parents, but they definitely weren't Ward and June Cleaver.  Prior to their divorce when I was six years old, most of my memories are good, but in a not so wholesome way.  My parents did a lot of drinking and a lot of arguing.  Very seldom were the good times there without a beer or mix drink in hand.  And when there was neither, things could get pretty out of hand with their arguing.

After their divorce, things went to hell in a hand basket.  My dad had a stroke and was declared disabled.  Financially, he just couldn't do much for us and what he could do, he didn't.  If we lived with him, then it was my grandmother taking care of us.  She was as close to a saint that I'll ever get and I love her with all my heart still.  She was selfless and loving.  I can't recall a time when she put herself before anyone else, and that meant opening her home up to all of us.  The problem with "all of us" is that our cousins felt they had more right to be there than we did and they weren't shy in letting us know that we were outsiders.

Then there was living with mom.  That's a tragedy to say the least.  She was a horrible alcoholic for a long, long time. And bounced around the bar scene quite a bit.  And, as if that wasn't bad enough, eventually opened up her own juke joint.  Countless times I recall being left alone with my sister who is ONLY five years older than me.  She was 11 and I was six.  Mom would go out and party until all her money ran out or the crowd left completely.  We would fend for ourselves until the food ran out and then we'd hit the neighbors or friends.  And you'd think that would have ended when she got remarried, but no... it got worse.

After Mom remarried the drinking was then joined with physical abuse.  Her new husband was younger than her and would beat her on a regular basis simply because she was alive.  Most of the time there was no real reason to give for it. He was/is just a serious asshat.  And I suppose, I could say that my mother did the best she could with what she had, but truth is, she didn't want to do better until she was tired of it all.  So while she was avoiding black eyes and broken bones, I would be out doing whatever I wanted to do with whomever I wanted to do it with.  I spent many nights hanging out with older kids and wandering the streets.  At any given time I could have been abducted, raped, killed or anything else in between those extents.

I should also add that I drank from an early age, smoked dope early on and lost my virginity before entering high school.  Everyone thought my mom was so cool because I could do anything I wanted to including having my first live-in boyfriend at 14.  Yep, I was a sophomore in high school when my boyfriend lived with me.  What I couldn't make people understand is that my mom wasn't cool, she couldn't be bothered by being a mother.  She had her own life to live and agenda to run without being burdened by me.

So, with all that said, after being told that I would never have a baby of my own, I had one when I was almost thirty.  That little girl changed my life if not saved it.  I stopped drinking like a fish on my days off and I take my decisions  way more seriously.  She made me see beyond surviving and opened my eyes to planning a future.  Since then, I've had a son too.  She's eleven now and he's five.  I am NOT a great mother by any means, but I'm a caring mother.  I'm not a helicopter mother, but I do want to know.  I have tough love, but a caring love.  I want to be bothered and burdened.  I like that they need me as much as I need them.  I give every ounce of myself and would give to the last breath if needed.

BUT!!!! there are days when I feel like a total and complete failure.  I wish that I could give more, do more, be more for them.  I pray daily that my babies are happy, healthy and loved.  I hope beyond hope that I can give them something to smile about when they are grown and I'm gone.  I try to make my decisions with the thought of what would I have wanted my parents to do if they'd have put me first.  I'm not perfect, I don't even really want to be, but I want to know that when I'm not with them, my children will smile and know from the core of their being that I loved them more than I could ever, EVER show or say.  Yeah, that would be my heaven right there.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Life is Happening

I think it's amazing how the times goes so quickly when you are wrapped up in life.  Nothing that is exceptional is happening, it's "just life".  But then I think about it and everything about life IS exceptional.  My children, every single day, are changing and growing into the people they are becoming and will be.  Pride bubbles inside of me when they make big achievements as well as when they simply discover something small within themselves.  I'm in love with my babies and hate the fact that with each passing day they grow more and more independent. Now don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to the time when they will leave the nest and become their own adults, but I sure wish it would go a little slower.

As for me, personally, I don't like what time is doing to me.  I'm growing older too and with that fact, my body feels like it is beginning to fall apart. Most days are filled with one type of ache and pain or another. My joints hurt, my back aches and my feet kill me. Working in a warehouse, standing and walking endlessly on concrete and the heat and humidity of the place make me so tired, that I often feel like I have nothing to give when I get home.  Still, I push through and find a way to make dinner, clean and share some of what's leftover to my kids and husband.

My husband, well he's great and understanding. I know that there are times when he feels neglected, but he rarely complains out loud.  He patiently waits for me to approach him for everything.  This is both a good and bad thing.  The only real complaint I have is that he could offer to help more with the chores around the house.  Occasionally a load of laundry or sink of dishes being done wouldn't kill him.

Ce la vie, life is what life is and I'm happy to be alive!